Country Music Stars Challenge Al-Qaeda With Patriotic New Song ‘Bomb New York’

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Issue 4339

Unusual Sports Injuries

In light of the knee injury Padres outfielder Milton Bradley suffered while arguing with an umpire, Onion Sports presents a catalog of some of the...

Bush Makes Surprise Visit To Work

WASHINGTON, DC— Dressed in a special suit-and-tie uniform, Bush entered the East Room at about 3:30 p.m. and greeted an enthusiastic crowd of staff members.

Dollar Weakest In 31 Years

For the first time since 1976, the Canadian dollar has achieved parity with the American dollar. What are the factors behind the slide of American...

Texans Elect Gun

AUSTIN, TX—In a landslide decision, the people of Texas elected a .44-caliber revolver to the U.S. Senate.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.