WASHINGTON, DC —"He broke free from the straps that secured him to the bed as he normally does after heart surgery. But then he hugged ...

WASHINGTON, DC —Thanks to the group's tireless efforts, six generations of civilians have never known the cruelty and duress of quartering unruly foot-soldiers.

DENVER—"When Daniel first showed up, he was like many of the kids we see – timid and unsure of himself. But look at him now ...

CHICAGO—The American Association of Laundry Workers released a startling new report Thursday warning against the use of enzyme-based...

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Though friends and family of Michael Swinton, 15, were initially devastasted upon hearing the news of his recent suicide,...

NEW YORK—In the face of Apple, Inc.'s 3- billionth iTunes sale and soaring stock price, some Wall Street forecasters are predicting that...

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Representatives from Merriam-Webster grudgingly announced Tuesday that, due to the Taco Bell–coined term's recent...

WALDEN, TN—While family members stood silently by and did nothing, visiting aunt Debbie Koeler proclaimed her desire to consume the "tiny...

Since it was reported that Blackwater killed more than 25 Iraqi civilians in a seemingly unprovoked attack, it has also come to light that the...

Morty And Betty Crocker Executed For Selling Top-Secret Cake Recipes to Reds

NEW YORK—Saying the American League wild-card bid is "beneath the dignity of the Yankees organization" and "an affront to everything [we] stand for," New ...

PHILADELPHIA—Osi Umenyiora, whose six sacks against the Eagles on Sunday tied him for second on the NFL's single-game  record list,...

MINNEAPOLIS—Mere moments after Brett Favre threw his record-setting 421st touchdown pass, a slant to receiver Greg Jennings in the first...

After a record-setting collapse which saw the stunned New York Mets squander a seven-game lead with only 17 games left to play in the season ...

PHOENIX—Chicago Cubs players reluctantly followed Coach Lou Pinella's orders to pack their equipment for a trip to Arizona Monday, causing...

MIAMI—After smoking three pinners, pulling five monster bong hits, and filling out his forms for reinstatement into the NFL Monday,...

With baseball's postseason underway, Onion Sports takes its annual look at the playoff teams and their chances to take home the 2007 World Series...

Guerrero is a monster of a power hitter, but is monstrous power enough?

The Onion News Network’s Brandon Armstrong responds to viewers’ emails, texts, and chats--no matter how inane.

According to the Western Conservation Union, the Western Gorilla is now closer than ever to global extinction. What do you think?

Stating that the current campaign finance laws preclude a "middle-class candidate" from running for president, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich...

Six nuns in Arkansas were excommunicated from the Catholic Church for heresy after failing to leave a Canadian sect run by a woman claiming to ...

North Korea will disable all nuclear projects and dismantle its Yongblon nuclear reactor with in exchange for U.S. aid. What do you think?