WASHINGTON, DC—Tuesday's arrival stunned a nation still recovering from Monday's nightmarish slog, leaving some to wonder if the week was ever going ...

LOS ANGELES—"McCluskey's a good man, but he needs to clean up his act," Chief William J. Bratton said. "Same goes for Conroy, Peterman ...

FAIRFIELD, CA—The orgy was marked by long stretches of silence despite the use of only two ball gags, and began with a melancholy daisy ...

ATLANTA—The Sept. 29 death of actress Lois Maxwell, best known as flirtatious secretary Miss Moneypenny in 14 James Bond films, was all the...

ST. LOUIS—Jury members in the murder case against real estate agent David Steffen said that the angry message Steffen left on victim Ron...

MCKEESPORT, PA—Auspiciously attired in khaki Dockers and a Structure-brand blazer, longtime Sears Gold MasterCard holder Larry Halfhill, 52,...

HEAVEN—Explaining that He had been "absolutely swamped," God announced yesterday that He was finally able to find time in His busy schedule...

TAMPA, FL—Local authorities were reportedly appalled and disgusted after discovering the brutalized remains of a Taco Bell meal strewn...

This month marks the 50th anniversary of the launching of Sputnik, the earth's first artificial satellite. What are the highlights of these first...

This month marks the 50th anniversary of the launching of Sputnik, the earth's first artificial satellite. What are the highlights of these first...

Recently Opened Empire State Building 'Giant-Ape Proof,' Say Architects

NEW YORK—Dan Marino, the former Dolphins quarterback, former multiple NFL all-time record holder, and current co-host of HBO's Inside The NFL, was the ...

CLEVELAND—MLB.com programming executive Martin Fried reminded recently hired baseball analyst Harold Reynolds in a matter-of-fact manner...

MIAMI—The winless Miami Dolphins have conspired with the Cleveland Browns in an attempt to finally defeat the unbeaten New England Patriots...

CLEVELAND—Following Eric Gagne's 11th inning meltdown in Game 2 of the ALCS, Red Sox manager Terry Francona informed the reliever that he...

TAMPA, FL—Saying that their No. 2 national ranking is "not something we really want or need at this point," nervous University of South...

KANSAS CITY, MO—Players on both the anemic Kansas City Chiefs offense and the porous Cincinnati Bengals defense celebrated with high-fives,...

As the 2007 NCAA basketball season gets underway, Onion Sports reports on the midnight festivities on campuses across the nation:

Tony Stewart is a complex mix of aggression and talent in remarkably unequal measure.

Panelists discuss ways to care for the nation's paranoid schizophrenics, such as hiding cameras in their homes or audio transmitters in their ears.

For a majority of likely voters, meaningless bullshit will be the most important factor in deciding who they will vote for in 2008.

First Lady Laura Bush said Tuesday that the White House was ready to slap sanctions on the Burmese military government if it did not move ...

NBC Universal has agreed to pay $925 million for Oxygen, the media company designed to attract women. What do you think?

Turkey recalled its ambassador to the U.S. and warned there would be dire consequences if Congress passes a resolution classifying the massacre of...

Madonna left her longtime music label Warner Bros. for a 10-year, $120 million contract with the world's largest concert promoter, Live Nation. What...

A study from the Centers for Disease Control found that potentially deadly drug-resistant staph infections were more prevalent than originally...