Missing Hubcap Found Face Down In Ditch

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Issue 4344

Fancy Man Enjoys Tea

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—"I normally have some Earl Grey in the morning," said Baumer, referring to the tea named after a guy who ran around England in a wig and fruity tights.

Slow Month In Baseball Saved By A-Rod

DENVER—Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez found a way to inject some excitement into baseball and make the slow month of October interesting last Sunday when he announced that he would opt out of his quarter-of-a-billion dollar contract...

NBA 2007 Season Predictions

As the new NBA season opens, Onion Sports analysts take a look at the league's trends and tendencies in an attempt to predict the progress of...

49ers To Start Backup Coach

Frustrated by the ineffectiveness of head coach Mike Nolan, the 49ers organization announced Monday that backup coach Tom Gorzynski, a journeyman the...

Banking Industry On Hard Times

The banking industry is being hit hard by the subprime loan collapse. Bank of America laid off 3,000 workers and Merrill Lynch posted its first...

Gerbil Growing Distant

TEMPE, AZ­—"Lately it's almost as if he cares more about burrowing in his wood chips than he does about me," owner Doug Kerlin said.
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.