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Study Finds Working At Work Improves Productivity

• Fall Canceled After 3 Billion Seasons

  ISSUE 44•27 ISSUE 43•45 | 11.07.07 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—Autumn, which had been slotted between summer and winter, will be replaced by stifling humidity, constant sunshine, and little precipitation. more»

  

• Local Boy Trapped In Family

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.09.07 | News

  HARRISONBURG, VA—"We're doing all we can," said Lt. Barnes, who coordinated efforts to replace the retarded hand-me-down parka that once belonged to the boy's brother. more»

  

• Female Serial Killer Has To Work Twice As Hard To Achieve Notoriety

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.10.07 | News

  OTSEGO, MI—Like many women who simply want the chance to kill as many victims as possible before being caught, Huxley has faced fierce resistance at every turn. more»

  

• Friend Of Friend Better Friend Than Friend

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.05.07 | News in Brief

  JOHNSTOWN, PA—Though friend Chris Brey, 31, and friend-of-friend Bill Scafuri, 33, did not immediately form a close friendship following... more»

• Bush Proud U.S. Economic Woes Can Still Depress World Markets

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.06.07 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—While speaking to a group of White House reporters, President Bush fended off questions about the weak state of the dollar,... more»

• R.L. Stine Reveals Slappy From Night Of The Living Dummy Was Gay

  ISSUE 44•26 ISSUE 43•45 | 11.07.07 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Children's author R.L. Stine broke his long-held media silence Monday to announce that Slappy, the evil ventriloquist's dummy from... more»

  

• BBC Upgrades Flap To Row

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.09.07 | News in Brief

  LONDON—The nightly Ten O'Clock News program on Great Britain's BBC One channel upgraded a minor flap in Parliament's House of Lords to an... more»

• Democratic Candidates Turn On Clinton

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.07.07 | Infographic

  In the latest debate, Democratic presidential candidates singled out Hillary Clinton as a subject for criticism. Here are some of their... more»

  

• Your Horoscope

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.06.07 | Horoscope

• Least Honored Treaties

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.07.07 | Statshot

  

• Area Man Wants You To Smell His New Bag Of Weed

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.06.07 | Radio News

• Talks Between Movers, Shakers Break Down At 11th Hour

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.07.07 | Radio News

• Apartment Built On Sacred Samoan Land Brings No Complaints From Residents

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.08.07 | Radio News

• New Silt Deposits A Hit With Local Oyster Community

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.09.07 | Radio News

• Blues Musician To U.N.: 'Yemen Done Me Wrong'

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.10.07 | Radio News

• Radically Less Cool Lifestyle Born To Area Couple

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.12.07 | Radio News

• KFC Releases New Family-Size Nugget

  ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 43•45 | 11.06.07 | News in Photos

  

• As An Upper-Class Gourmand, I Will Settle For Nothing Less Than The Luxury Of Ritz-Brand Snack Crackers

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.07.07 | Commentary

  As a member of what might be called the "ultrarich," I have attended some of the finest soirees in the most elegant surroundings in the world.... more»

• Nov. 9, 1960

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.09.07 | History

  John F. Kennedy's Dad Defeats Nixon more»

  

• The Top 50 Tyler Perry Movies of 2007

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.09.07 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Editorial Cartoon - November 5, 2007

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.05.07 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Cats Are Better Than Dogs

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.07.07 | Point/Counterpoint

  I've always been a fan of felines. As far as pets go, you can't beat them! I have three myself, and I couldn't adore them more. I don't care what... more»

• Andy Reid On Family Problems: 'Red Right 32 Trap'

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.08.07 | Sports News

  PHILADELPHIA—Eagles head coach Andy Reid addressed his recent family turmoil in a press conference today, responding to allegations that he had neglected his paternal duties in order to focus on football with the simple statement "Red Right... more»

  

• Notre Dame Football Team Having Worst Season Since Corinthians

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.08.07 | Sports News in Brief

  SOUTH BEND, IN—A mere 1-8 following their 46-44 triple-overtime loss to Navy, their first to the service academy since 1963, the Fighting... more»

  

• Detroit Lions Not Buying Detroit Lions

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.08.07 | Sports News in Brief

  DETROIT—Following their 44-7 victory over the Denver Broncos Sunday, players, coaches, and staff of the 6-2 Detroit Lions football team... more»

  

• Yankees Liken A-Rod's Growing Greed To Kino From Steinbeck's The Pearl

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.08.07 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—In a two-page, 500-word report released Monday, Yankees GM Brian Cashman compared the destructive force of Alex Rodriguez's greed... more»

  

• Joe Torre Signs Classiest Contract In Managerial History

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.08.07 | Sports News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—With an easy smile and an elegant stroke of his Mont Blanc fountain pen, newly hired Los Angeles Dodgers manager and beacon of... more»

  

• Jimmie Johnson On Winning The Dickies 500: 'Yee-Haw'

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.08.07 | Sports News in Brief

  FORT WORTH—Hendrick Motorsports driver Jimmie Johnson, who took the points lead in the NEXTEL Cup championship with his win in the Dickies... more»

  

• NFL Midseason Report 2007

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.08.07 | Sportsgraphic

  Upon reaching the midpoint of the 2007 NFL season, Onion Sports lists the notable moments, achievements, and situations in pro football thus... more»

  

• Dr. J

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.08.07 | Strongside/Weakside

  This week's Strongside/Weakside  Classic explores the wonder that was Julius Erving. more»

  

• Ed Hochuli First Down Signal Decapitates Player

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.08.07 | Photo Finish

  

• Mean Automakers Dash Nation's Hope For Flying Cars

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.01.07 | Newsroom

  Onion News Network anchor Brandon Armstrong argues passionately for the existence of flying cars. more»

  

• Messages From Our Troops To The Families They Can Barely Remember

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.08.07 | Newsroom

  In this Onion News Network special feature, our soldiers stationed abroad remind us there's still a war going on. more»

  

• Controversial Tell-All Book Reveals Wrestling Fans Are Fake

  ISSUE 43•45 | 12.26.07 | Newsroom

  A professional wrestling "fan" has written a shocking new book that claims wrestling fans are actually paid actors. more»

  

• The Onion News Network's Morning Show: Today Now!

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.06.05 | Today Now!

  You'll think you're still dreaming. more»

  

• Atlanta Running Out Of Water

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.05.07 | American Voices

  By Army Corps of Engineers estimates, the city of Atlanta could run out of water in about 100 days. What do you think? more»

• Aid Workers Stealing Children

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.06.07 | American Voices

  Several French aid workers are charged with trying to smuggle 103 children they claimed were orphans from Darfur, but in reality were children with... more»

• New Trojan Horse Strikes Mac

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.07.07 | American Voices

  A rare new Trojan horse that targets Mac users and takes over their computers has been found on pornographic websites. What do you think? more»

• Cheney Impeachment Resolution In Committee

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.08.07 | American Voices

  A resolution to impeach Vice President Dick Cheney was sent to the House Judiciary Committee for review. What do you think? more»

• Pat Robertson Endorses Giuliani

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.09.07 | American Voices

  Televangelist Pat Robertson has endorsed former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani as Republican presidential candidate despite Giuliani's... more»

• Bush Gets First Veto Override

  ISSUE 43•45 | 11.12.07 | American Voices

  For the first time in Bush's seven-year presidency, the Senate overrode a veto, for a water resources bill that would preserve wetlands. What do... more»

• sun

  See OUTSIDE, 6E

• ESPN2 presents ESPN2 College Football Downtime , featuring the puttering and housework of Lee Corso and Kirk Herbstreit.

• Yum! Brands Inc. (YUM)

  Shares in the parent of Taco Bell were up slightly on the heels of a government report that forecast an increase in the market price of a barrel of tacos.

  

• Snapple Fact Cited In Thesis

• Sprinting Jogger Figures He Might As Well Snatch Purse

• Cyborg From The Present Doesn't Have Much To Say

• Struggle With Pistachio Nut Enters Second Minute

• Morgantown, WV—While pondering how to mediate minus-strand DNA transfer, microbiologist Carl Manning paced furiously around his lab, pounded his fists on his desk and exclaimed, "There has to be a better way!"

• Lewistown, PA—Twenty years after she had to quit college to tend to her ailing father, Delores Barker finally returned to the classroom on Tuesday to pick up the black bag she left in the bio lecture hall.

• Little Rock, AR—Tom Chambers' neighbor is selling another shitty vehicle in his yard again.