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Man Finally Put In Charge Of Struggling Feminist Movement

• 30 Miserable Lives Lost In Greyhound Bus Crash

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.05.07 | News

  ALBANY, NY—Emergency crews called to the scene described the remains of the victims as "slightly more lifeless than they were before the accident." more»

  

• U.S. Breath Reaches All-Time Worst

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.07.07 | News

  WASHINGTON—"We can no longer afford to turn our heads away and ignore this problem," Department of Breath and Human Services Secretary Michael Leavitt said. more»

  

• Overweight College Student Announces Plans To Wear Shorts, Sandals For Rest Of Year

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.08.07 | News

  STATE COLLEGE, PA—Kyle Norton stated that he would also forgo a winter coat and continue to don the same coffee-stained sweatshirt he has been wearing since mid-October. more»

  

• Local Radio Station Has Got Some Doobie Brothers Coming Up For You

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.03.07 | News in Brief

  NORWALK, CT—According to sources, local radio station 95.9 The Fox has got some Doobie Brothers on the way for you in just a few minutes,... more»

• Conservation Group Condemns Waterboarding As Wasteful

  ISSUE 44•27 ISSUE 43•49 | 12.04.07 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—National Water Watch, a Washington-based conservation group, criticized the government's use of waterboarding Monday, calling the... more»

• Seating Chart Revised To Put Problem Senators Up Front

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.05.07 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—After several incidents of bipartisan name-calling and disruptive filibustering, Senate president Dick Cheney announced Monday... more»

• Single Parent Wishes She Had Thought Of Abandoning Child First

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.07.07 | News in Brief

  HERKIMER, NY—Following the unannounced departure of live-in boyfriend and father of her 2-year-old son, Joseph, Kelly Sperino, 22, told... more»

• The Mideast Peace Talks

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.05.07 | Infographic

  At last week's historic Mideast peace conference in Annapolis, MD, Prime Minister Ehud Olmert of Israel and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas... more»

  

• Your Horoscope

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.04.07 | Horoscope

• Why Is The Pope Snubbing Boston?

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.05.07 | Statshot

  

• Retired Hobo Afraid He's Losing His Hobo Chops

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.04.07 | Radio News

• God Makes Spanish Official Language Of Christianity

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.05.07 | Radio News

• Explosion-Themed Movie Tops Weekend Box Office

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.06.07 | Radio News

• Area Man Pronounced Dead On The Inside

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.07.07 | Radio News

• White Castle Plundered By Turks

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.08.07 | Radio News

• Jewish Texans Commemorate Holocaust...Texas-Style!

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.09.07 | Radio News

• Conductor Vows To Whip Ragtag Elementary School Chorus Into Shape By Christmas

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.10.07 | Radio News

• Grown Man Enjoys Duping Children

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.04.07 | News in Photos

  

• Excercise Ball All The Way Over There

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.05.07 | News in Photos

  

• These Time-Management Issues Will Be Easily Resolved With A Series Of Streamlined Meetings

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.05.07 | Commentary

  It's come to my attention that this office hasn't been managing time efficiently lately, so I'd like to use this open forum to address just a... more»

• My Son And His Friends Will Never Find My Secret Playboy Stash

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.05.07 | Commentary

  I consider myself to be a good, responsible father. I put a roof over my children's heads, I'm always willing to sit down and help them with their... more»

• America's Richest Pets

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.07.07 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Editorial Cartoon - December 3, 2007

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.03.07 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• NFL Meteorologists Warn Steaming Black-Guy Heads Occurring Later Every Year

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.06.07 | Sports News

  NEW YORK—Steaming black-guy heads, the traditional sign of approaching winter for generations of football fans, have been occurring later in the season with every passing year, a fact that may be evidence of a climatic change with long-term... more»

  

• Bob Costas Spontaneously Eulogizing At Sean Taylor's Funeral

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.06.07 | Sports News in Brief

  MIAMI—Sportscaster Bob Costas interrupted the scripture reading at the funeral of slain Washington Redskins player Sean Taylor Monday,... more»

  

• Confusing 24-Player Trade Sends You, Scottie Pippen To Utah Jazz

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.06.07 | Sports News in Brief

  SALT LAKE CITY—A multi-million-dollar blockbuster trade involving 24 players, six professional basketball teams, two hockey teams, and the... more»

  

• NCAA Abandons BCS, Implements New Argument-Based System For Determining College Football Rankings

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.06.07 | Sports News in Brief

  INDIANAPOLIS—The NCAA Board of Governors announced Monday that it would be abandoning the complicated BCS formula, with its interdependent... more»

  

• Dodgers Offer Twins Moon, Stars For Johan Santana

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.06.07 | Sports News in Brief

  NASHVILLE, TN—Dodgers GM Ned Colletti announced Monday that although he has nothing to offer in the way of financial or material wealth, he... more»

  

• Don Imus Returns To Airwaves For One Last 'Nappy-Headed Hos' Remark

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.06.07 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Don Imus, who was fired from his WFAN morning show in April after calling members of the Rutgers' women's basketball team... more»

  

• Explaining the 2007 BCS Top Ten

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.06.07 | Sportsgraphic

  1. Ohio State (11-1): Shows what can happen in a contentious season if you just play pretty good football and wait... more»

  

• Spurs vs. Lakers

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.06.07 | Keys To The Matchup

  Onion Sports looks ahead to the blockbuster December 13 meeting of these two heavyweight teams. more»

  

• Gatorade Inventor Robert Cade, 1927-2007, Given Touching Memorial Tribute

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.06.07 | Photo Finish

  

• Reporters Expose Airport Security Lapses By Blowing Up Plane

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.03.07 | Newsroom

  271 are dead after an Onion News Network Special Investigative Report on airport security. more»

  

• Evangeline Lilly Wins 'Best Wet T-Shirt Fight Scene' At Strong Women In TV Awards

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.05.07 | Today Now!

  Today Now!'s own Tracy Gill attended the Strong Women in TV Awards, which proves women on TV can be attractive and sexy. more»

  

• Christmas Trees More Expensive

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.03.07 | American Voices

  Due to high fuel costs, the price of Christmas trees will be around 10 percent higher this year. What do you think? more»

• Evel Knievel Dead

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.04.07 | American Voices

  Legendary stuntman Evel Knievel died at home last week at the age of 69. What do you think? more»

• God Told Roberts To Quit University

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.05.07 | American Voices

  Amidst charges of mishandling resources, Richard Roberts resigned from his post as president of the debt-saddled Oral Roberts University, saying God... more»

• Iran Gave Up Nuke Program In 2003

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.06.07 | American Voices

  A new assessment by American intelligence agencies stated that Iran halted their nuclear weapons program four years ago. What do you think? more»

• Kidnapping British People Legal

  ISSUE 43•49 | 12.07.07 | American Voices

  A lawyer for the U.S. government told the Court of Appeal in London that the United States could legally kidnap citizens of other countries because... more»

• tornado

  Inyourfacerly winds

• ChapStick, Inc.

  It's shaping up to be a cold, dry winter again, and even though everyone is sure their ChapStick from last year is around here somewhere, they're all going to have to buy a new one.

  

• The NFL Network Presents FALSE START, featuring three experts, all speaking out of turn, who utterly fail to discuss the issues that matter most in today's NFL.

  

• Allergies Prevent Man From Enjoying Dust

• Wedding Ring Taken Off For Reception

• Food Court Employees Take Lunch Break In Different Part Of Food Court

• Children Told To Give Dog Extra Hug Before He Goes To Vet

• FAIRFAX, VA—The nursing staff at St. Mary's Memorial Hospital got into the Christmas spirit this week by adding green dye to the blood samples.

• LANCASTER, PA—Drunken motorist Jeff Hamlin beat an Amish buggy at chicken.

• SHATTUCK, OK—The hopes and dreams of the whole damn town are contingent on that little fat kid making it to the state spelling bee.