Formerly Evil Wrestler Realizes Error Of His Ways

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Issue 4352

All-Time Greatest Upsets

Stanford's defeat of top-ranked USC is merely the latest upset in a season that has already held more than its share. Onion Sports runs down some...

Espionage In Sports

The Patriots may have used relatively high-tech methods to gather information on their opponents' strategies, but spying on the other team is nothing new.

Fucking Yankees, Reports Nation

BOSTON—Moments after the New York Yankees continued a month-long stretch that has seen them climb from the bottom of the AL East to pull within a once unfathomable four games of the first-place Red Sox by defeating the Baltimore Orioles...

Unbreakable Records

The assault on the home-run record is all the more remarkable when one considers that it was once thought unbreakable.

Kobayashi Retires From Eating

NAGANO, JAPAN—Mere hours after eating what he claims to be his "farewell meal" Tuesday, longtime competitive consumer of comestible goods Takeru Kobayashi formally announced that, after a career that has spanned nearly his entire lifetime,...

Sports Unable To Heal Small Town Following Tragedy

MILL RUN, PA—In a town where residents are still in shock over last Sunday's brutal mass slaying, in which a mentally disturbed man shot 17 men, women, and children in Main Street's St. John The Baptist Church before turning his shotgun on...

Women In Motorsports

In honor of this year's Indy 500, the first to feature three female drivers, Onion Sports looks at some other great moments for women in motorsports history.

New Michael Vick Revelations

The discovery of a dogfighting ring in a house owned by Michael Vick has led to speculation of what other secrets the Falcons quarterback might be hiding.

NFL's New Code Of Conduct

By introducing his new Code Of Conduct and suspending "Pacman" Jones for the entire 2007 season, Commissioner Goodell has sent the strong message...

NASCAR Unveils New 'Car Of Yesterday'

CHARLOTTE, NC—Only days after its long-anticipated, much-criticized Car of Tomorrow debuted to overwhelmingly negative reviews at the Bristol Motor Speedway, NASCAR responded to the wishes of competitors and fans alike by introducing the...

Conspiracy Theorists Insist Barbaro Still Alive

WEST GROVE, PA—Rumors and speculation that beloved racehorse Barbaro faked his own death last January in order to start a new life out of the public eye are beginning to surface among equine conspiracy theorists, who refuse to believe the...

NHL Signs Broadcast Deal With Food Network

NEW YORK—Flanked by Food Network president Brooke Johnson and cooking-show host Rachael Ray, Commissioner Gary Bettman announced yesterday that the NHL has opted out of its contract with the Versus cable channel (formerly the Outdoor Life...

Sports Fan Thinks He May Have Torn Rotator Cuff

BOSTON—Although the most strenuous thing he does in any given week is reload his office printer's paper tray, Red Sox fan Sean Mooney, 41, said he believes he may have torn his rotator cuff. "Ooh, I'm gonna have to ice this tonight," said Mooney, rubbing the muscle he pulled while removing a Massachusetts tax-code reference book from his shelf. "Now I know how [Red Sox pitcher] Wade Miller felt." Doctors said Mooney's condition is probably soreness resulting from a lack of regular exercise.

George Foreman Grill Retires To Promote Own Grill

HOUSTON—The George Foreman Grill announced Monday that it will retire in order to promote its own patented line of fat-reducing grills. "The George Foreman Grill has enjoyed a long and rewarding career as a kitchen appliance, but now it wants to get out of the rat race," the grill's publicist, Nate Harbert, said Monday. "From now on, the grill will be doing what it loves most: helping people live healthier lives via its infomercial for the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine's Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine." Harbert said the George Foreman Grill will also spend more time doing charity work.

Formerly Evil Wrestler Realizes Error Of His Ways

PONTIAC, MI—Manzilla, the American Wrestling Federation villain reviled for inflicting countless blindside folding-chair blows and barbed-wire-bat bludgeonings upon helpless opponents, rocked the world of sports entertainment Monday by converting to the forces of good.

Don King Enjoys Grandilomentitudinous Sandwich

LAS VEGAS—Boxing promoter Don King described himself as "outrighteously mesmerated" by a deli sandwich served to him at the Treasure Island Casino’s V.I.P. dining room Saturday. "The meatumental pastramification of this pumpernickelously toastified bread was augmenticized by slatherfication in sumptuous Switzerlander cheesiness," raved King following the meal, "and expertaciously mayonnaised by a condimental Hellmanifestation of sand-wich-Kraft-Miracle-Whiplash proportions that thrillified me down to my delicatesticles." King also praised the sandwich's generous helping of onions, lettuce, and pickles, offering its maker his "Undulatronic Spamboozled Donkey Kongratulations. Gumpzilla."


CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In an effort to generate excitement and public support for America's struggling space program, NASA announced Monday that it will join the wildly popular NASCAR racing circuit in time for the 1997 season.
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.