GENEVA—"Ahmadinejad? I can't even say it, let alone write it on a Black Ops memo." President Bush jested during the roast of Iran ...

DETROIT—Urging consumers to forget everything they thought they knew about job security, GM described the new cutbacks as "a major breakthrough in downsizing."

SALEM, OR—Alicia Maas often asks to be taken to dinner, go grocery shopping, and embark on meandering walks without a fixed destination, purpose, or ...

WASHINGTON—Deputy Secretary of Agriculture Charles F. Conner told reporters Tuesday that he plans to meet later this week with President George...

LAREDO, TX—This time—unlike the time you moved in with the alcoholic chick from New Jersey, the time you and your buddy stole those ...

QUEENS, NY—Despite urgent pleas to the contrary, landlord Arnold Ngyuen remained unconvinced that the heat in Ted Myer's apartment is not on,...

The stage directions from Tennessee Williams' Cat On A Hot Tin Roof is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask The stage directions to ...

FOXBOROUGH, MA—As the once-invincible, still-insufferable Patriots attempt to come to grips with their 17-14 Super Bowl loss to the Giants, the death of their ...

NEW ORLEANS—Gas and oil stock trader Cooper Manning, older brother of Peyton and Eli Manning, turned in an MVP-level performance for his...

CLEVELAND—Cavaliers forward LeBron James held a press conference Tuesday to announce that he had begun his annual observance of Basket History...

PHOENIX—Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, the target of much criticism this week after his brusque exit from the playing field with one...

NEW YORK—In what sports fans across the nation are calling uncannily perfect timing, both the National Basketball Association and the National...

PHOENIX—The self-reflective New England Patriots issued a brief but enlightening statement concerning their nearly perfect season Monday,...

Onion Sports looks back at the best-ever moments from Super Sunday's other big event throughout the years:

Every year the best players in football get together in Hawaii for reasons that remain unclear.

Panelists discuss whether stringent new suicide-vest laws would make sure only responsible people blow themselves up.

Sepak takraw fan favorite Nguyen Thi Buch Thuy has once again angered Coach Lap with his antics on the pitch.

The accidental severing of three undersea cables has led to a massive Internet slowdown in India. What do you think?

Unites Airlines will begin charging $25 for a second checked bag on select low-fare flights. What do you think?

British scientists claim to have created an embryo with genes from three people. What do you think?

While Obama polls well with women under the age of 30, Clinton polls exceptionally well with women over the age of 30. What do you ...