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Children, Children's Children: 'Stop Worrying About Us'

• CGI Team Creates Realistic Oscar For Michael Bay

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.20.08 | News

  LOS ANGELES—A crew of nearly 200 technicians working on a 15,000-square-foot soundstage was required to realize the director’s wildly imaginative fantasy world. more»

  

• Victim Of Mall Shooting Determined Not To Die In Yankee Candle

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.22.08 | News

  BUFFALO, NY—"I told myself there was no way in hell I was going to let them find me curled up beside a stack of Jasmine Housewarmer jar candles," said David Mull. more»

  

• E-Mail From Aunt Accidentally Opened

  ISSUE 46•52 ISSUE 44•08 | 02.23.08 | News

  CHICAGO—After waiting for the e-mail to load, Gwen Petersen was subjected to mass-circulated poetry, pet humor, and vaguely religious inspirational aphorisms. more»

  

• Last French Fry Told To 'Get Your Ass Over Here'

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.18.08 | News in Brief

  AURORA, IL—Plaza Diner patron Roger Trabers, upon noticing that one french fry on his plate had eluded his field of vision, demanded that the... more»

• Area Dad Will Only Watch Things In HD

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.19.08 | News in Brief

  SHELTON, CT—According to family members, ever since area father Gerry DiCenzo purchased a 52-inch HD LCD television last month, he has refused... more»

• Attempt To Buy Gift For Boyfriend Results In Hatred Of Boyfriend

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.20.08 | News in Brief

  SIERRA VISTA, AZ—After a week spent searching for the perfect birthday gift for Jed Lowry, her boyfriend of eight months, Susan Novecky... more»

• Pornography-Desensitized Populace Demands New Orifice To Look At

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.21.08 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON— Jaded by the sight of what it deemed "run-of-the-mill" orifices, the nation's pornography-saturated populace released a statement... more»

• Bush Hopes Recession Doesn't Affect Sales Of His Memoirs

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.22.08 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush told reporters Monday that he remains optimistic that the impending recession will end before his memoirs... more»

• Bush's Surveillance Act

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.20.08 | Infographic

  President Bush has urged the House to pass a bill that would broaden the surveillance powers of the government and protect phone companies from... more»

  

• Your Horoscope

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.19.08 | Horoscope

• How Are We Keeping Young?

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.20.08 | Statshot

  

• Country Mouse Raped By City Mouse

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.19.08 | Radio News

• Search Continues For Articulate Witness Of Tragedy

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.20.08 | Radio News

• North Korea Takes Technical-Assistance Jobs From India By Force

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.21.08 | Radio News

• CIA Finally Unseats Fidel Castro With Retirement Cigar

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.22.08 | Radio News

• Scientists Isolate Pepsi-Resistant Gene

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.23.08 | Radio News

• Man With Hammer-Induced Thumb Injury Appeals To Christ Almighty

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.24.08 | Radio News

• 60% Of Federal Budget Wasted On Eating Out

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.25.08 | Radio News

• Thousands Return To Unemployment Following End Of Writers Strike

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.19.08 | News in Photos

  

• Empty Beer Bottle Released Into Wild

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.20.08 | News in Photos

  

• I Say Live Life To The Fullest In Terms Of Yearly Income Set Against Monthly Expenditures

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.20.08 | Commentary

  Each morning, I wake up with a smile on my face and a renewed sense of vigor, because this day is unlike any other, and it is full of potential.... more»

• Comedy Tonight!

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.20.08 | Commentary

  I'm still not sure what possessed me to walk into Laughingstock's Comedy Club and sign up for their open-mic night. But I guess sometimes the less... more»

• Can Angels Help You Win The Lottery?

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.22.08 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Editorial Cartoon - February 18, 2008

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.18.08 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Yankees To Play Exhibition Game Against The Media

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.21.08 | Sports News

  TAMPA, FL—In a spring showdown between two venerable organizations that will battle one another daily during the 2008 regular season, the New York Yankees are scheduled to play a nine-inning game Sunday against their greatest rivals: the... more»

  

• NHL Offers Will Ferrell $350 To Do Movie About Hockey

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.21.08 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—National Hockey League commissioner Gary Bettman announced yesterday that the NHL has offered actor/comedian Will Ferrell $350 to... more»

  

• Pitchers Secretly Meet To Rehearse Skit Making Fun Of Catchers

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.21.08 | Sports News in Brief

  TAMPA, FL—MLB pitchers snuck out of their bunks well past lights-out Tuesday night, meeting at the Tampa Bay Rays training facility to rehearse... more»

  

• Ernie Els Missing After Entering Woods To Find Golf Ball

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.21.08 | Sports News in Brief

  TUCSON—South African golfer Ernie Els followed an errant golf ball into the scrub woods of the Dove Mountain course rough Wednesday during the... more»

  

• Cupcake Used In NBA Slam-Dunk Contest Inducted Into Cupcake Hall Of Fame

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.21.08 | Sports News in Brief

  COOPERSVILLE, NJ—The pink-frosted single-candle used in the second place-winning slam-dunk contest routine of Timberwolves guard Gerald Green... more»

  

• NBA Committee To Investigate Allegations Of Traveling During All-Star Game

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.21.08 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—NBA commissioner David Stern held a press conference Tuesday to announce that the league had formed a 15-person committee to probe... more»

  

• Greatest Moments In Slam-Dunk Contest History

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.21.08 | Sportsgraphic

  The NBA Slam-Dunk Contest is the most popular part of All-Star weekend, outshining the game itself, and for good reason. Onion Sports looks back... more»

  

• Penske vs. Hendrick

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.21.08 | Keys To The Matchup

  Penske's cars won at Daytona. Hendrick's cars are the best bet to win it all. Onion Sports breaks down 2008's hottest NASCAR rivalry. more»

  

• Penguins Goalie Goes For Breakaway

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.21.08 | Photo Finish

  

• Nation Of Andorra Not In Africa, Shocked U.S. State Dept. Reports

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.18.08 | Newsroom

  The United States gave billions of dollars in aid to the wealthy European principality of Andorra, which it mistakenly assumed was a poor African country. more»

  

• New Auto Security System Will Not Allow Car To Start If Driver Is Nick Nolte

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.20.08 | Newsroom

  The Department Of Transportation unveiled a new mandatory safety system designed to protect American drivers by keeping Nick Nolte off the road. more»

  

• Romney Endorses McCain

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.18.08 | American Voices

  Former Republican presidential contender Mitt Romney has endorsed John McCain for their party's nomination. What do you think? more»

• Bush: Keep Abstinence In AIDS Plan

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.19.08 | American Voices

  President Bush wants to keep a contested provision in his global AIDS package in which one-third of all prevention spending goes to abstinence... more»

• Hi-Def Format War Over

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.20.08 | American Voices

  With Warner Brothers, Wal-Mart, Best Buy, and Netflix committing to Sony's Blu Ray discs, Toshiba announced that they are no longer manufacturing the... more»

• Kosovo Independence Rankles Nations

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.21.08 | American Voices

  The news of Kosovo’s secession from Serbia has been met with concern by countries such China and Spain. What do you think? more»

• Teamsters Endorse Obama

  ISSUE 44•08 | 02.22.08 | American Voices

  The powerful Teamsters labor union endorsed Barack Obama. What do you think? more»

• St. Patrick's Day

  ISSUE 44•08 | 03.14.09 | Slideshow

  

• SPEED

  SPEED Network

  7-10 a.m. Monday: Motochat

  Top motocross, supercross, and arenacross riders discuss piles of dirt they dream of jumping over.

  

• Display Of Genuine Enthusiasm Mocked

• Trail Of Bread Crumbs Leads To Shirtless 34-Year-Old

• Phrase 'Rack-And-Pinion Steering' Enters Area Man's Mind For No Apparent Reason

• American Apparel

  Stocks soared this week with the introduction of a new, long, light-green tank top.

  

• MILWAUKEE—Janitor Joseph Humadi thought he'd get a bigger laugh from his coworkers when he said "It's time to take out the trash" in the manner of an action-film hero.

• STAMFORD, CT—Andrew Stack's hand slowly moved from Kim Kershaw's lower back to her left jeans pocket, and neither party could be more thrilled.

• PENSACOLA, FL—Perry Yoder shamed his father, William H. Yoder, by following him into the family business of asking everyone else in the family for money.