Issue 4417 - 04.21.2008 | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

New Chemical Weapon 'Ennui Gas' Induces Listlessness, Dissatisfaction With Life

WASHINGTON—Pentagon sources say that when the gas is inhaled, the enemy will retreat to his bedroom, lock the door, and muse on the fragility of human existence.

…

Rubber Band Needed

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.23.08 | News

RALIEGH, NC—"There's got to be a rubber band around here somewhere," said market researcher Ron Meyer, who repeatedly shunned other poster-clasping methods. more»
NASA Intern Hoping To Go On Space Walk Before He Leaves In June

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.25.08 | News

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—"I'm already a fixture around here, and I get along great with everybody," said the eager 20-year-old cultural anthropology major. more»
Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.26.08 | News

BATON ROUGE, LA—Veteran partier Adam Girard was seen pedaling down the street on a neighbor’s bicycle, yelling that he going swimming and that his collarbone was fine. more»
Financial Analysts Offer To Talk About Recession For $5

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.21.08 | News in Brief

NEW YORK—With the nation almost certainly headed toward a recession, a coalition of top financial analysts announced Monday that they would... more»
Botanists Vow Not To Discuss Botany During After-Work Drinks

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.22.08 | News in Brief

AMHERST, MA—After years of promising not to discuss work after hours but always failing, botanists at Hampshire College's Agricultural Studies... more»
Elderly Woman Applying Makeup Most Heartbreaking Thing On Earth

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.23.08 | News in Brief

PARMA, OH—In an unbelievably heartrending and entirely futile undertaking intended to recapture some infinitesimal shred of her faded beauty... more»
Family Feud Pollster Tired Of Asking Strangers To Name A Fruit Typically Served With Breakfast

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.24.08 | News in Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Though he has only questioned 22 of the 100 people needed to complete his survey, veteran Family Feud pollster Rick... more»
Commas, Turning Up, Everywhere

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.25.08 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—In the midst of a crisis that may have reached a breaking, point Tuesday afternoon, linguists, and grammarians, everywhere say they... more»
Campus Security Measures Increased

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.23.08 | Infographic

It's been one year since the tragic killings at Virginia Tech, and campuses across the country have ramped up security to protect their... more»
Your Horoscope

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.22.08 | Horoscope
What's Our Secret Love?

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.23.08 | Statshot
Congress Overrun By Wolves

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.22.08 | Radio News
Amtrak's New Lady Train Debuts

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.23.08 | Radio News
Convicted Forger Freed By Presidential Pardon

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.24.08 | Radio News
Entire Coffee Cake Consumed Over Trash Can

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.25.08 | Radio News
Nation's Last Themeless Restaurant Closes

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.26.08 | Radio News
Boilermakers Protest Purdue's Mascot

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.27.08 | Radio News
Researchers Discover Massive Asshole In Blogosphere

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.28.08 | Radio News
Dead Deer By Side Of Road Covered In Graffiti

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.22.08 | News in Photos
Hanna Montana's Secret Identity…Revealed!

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.23.08 | Commentary

Item! Have you ever noticed that you never see Miley Cyrus and Hanna Montana in the same room at the same time? (She's kind of like... more»
Listen, Can You Do Me A Favor And Join The Army?

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.23.08 | Commentary

Hey, can you do something for me real quick? Could you enlist in the Army? I'm only asking because I was just wondering about it, because it would... more»
A Statement Followed By A Question Separated By A Colon

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.25.08 | Sunday Magazine
Editorial Cartoon - April 21, 2008

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.21.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Isiah Thomas: 'My Time With The Knicks Was Actually A Large-Scale Psychological Study Of New York Residents'

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.24.08 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Ousted Knicks coach and president Isiah Thomas, who presided over the team during one of the least successful and most shameful periods in its history, held a press conference Wednesday to announce that his four-year legacy of... more»
Mel Kiper Wakes In Middle Of Night Thinking He Missed NFL Draft

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.24.08 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Football personnel analyst and perennial NFL Draft fixture Mel Kiper Jr. woke from a sound sleep Wednesday night with a start and a... more»
Excited Dallas Stars Hear Dallas Morning News Reporter May Be At Next Game

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.24.08 | Sports News in Brief

DALLAS—After eliminating the Anaheim Ducks in the first round of the NHL Playoffs Sunday, Dallas Stars coach Dave Tippett excited his players... more»
George Steinbrenner Tells Sons To Mellow Out

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.24.08 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Following the latest in a series of animated outbursts by Yankee co-chairman Hank Steinbrenner, a tirade in which he said that "only... more»
Andy Pettitte On Recent Win: 'Now That's What I Call Throwing A Pettitte'

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.24.08 | Sports News in Brief

BALTIMORE—New York Yankees pitcher Andy Pettitte threw seven scoreless innings during the Yankees' 7-1 victory over the Baltimore Orioles... more»
Gilbert Arenas Claims He Can Play Despite Sore Ankle Part Of Arm

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.24.08 | Sports News in Brief

CLEVELAND—Following the Wizards' 30-point loss to the Cavaliers Monday, Washington guard Gilbert Arenas assured reporters that he would play... more»
Female Firsts In Sports

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.24.08 | Sportsgraphic

With her IndyCar victory, Danica Patrick became the first woman to win a race in a top-level racing series. Onion Sports salutes her achievement... more»
Jake Long

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.24.08 | Strongside/Weakside

Jake Long has already signed with the Dolphins, but he may have tremendous upside. more»
Sam Cassell Seen Playing For Rockets, Suns, Celtics

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.24.08 | Photo Finish
Study: Nearly 80 Percent Of Roommates Got So Drunk Last Night

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.21.08 | Newsroom

A survey by the Shuttleworth Research Center found that the majority of male roommates ages 18-24 got wasted off their asses the previous evening. more»
Poll: McCain Getting Even

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.21.08 | American Voices

According to an AP-Yahoo poll, Sen. John McCain was roughly tied with any Democratic candidate, a dramatic shift from a November poll in which a... more»
Pope Delivers Yankee Mass

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.22.08 | American Voices

Pope Benedict XVI concluded his trip to the United States by celebrating Sunday Mass at New York's Yankee Stadium. What do you think? more»
Sims Sales Top 100 Million

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.23.08 | American Voices

EA Games announced that it has sold 100 million units of its life-simulation video game The Sims since 2000. What do you think? more»
Army Engineer Passed Nuclear Secrets

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.24.08 | American Voices

An 84-year-old former Army engineer was arrested for passing on defense secrets to Israel, including documents about nuclear weapons, between 1979 and 1985.... more»
Snow Moves To CNN

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.25.08 | American Voices

Former Fox News personality and White House press secretary began his stint as a political contributor on CNN this Monday. What do you think? more»
NASA

ISSUE 44•17 | 04.17.09 | Slideshow
SAN JOSE, CA—A laptop computer containing the personal information of 3,000 patients and staff of the local St Vincent's hospital was used for its intended purpose.
SCOTVILLE, MI—Bob McNichol, 25, gave himself a haircut after practicing in his imagination first.
DOTHAN, AL—Eventually, somebody is going to have to come forward and claim ownership of that pig in the cowboy vest.
Letters to the Editor

Dear The Onion,

By the time you read this I will have canceled my subscription. I know this may be difficult for you to hear, but I’ve found another newspaper that informs me in ways I never thought possible. It’s the Dubuque Telegraph Herald and I’m moving to Iowa to be with it. I’m sorry. Take care of yourself.

Ethan Thompson, Seattle, WA
Young, Professional People French-Kissing

ABC

9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT

A group of young, good-looking professionals all work together at the same business downtown and occasionally make out with each other both on and off the job.
SPEED, 11 a.m. - 4 p.m.
SPEED will be running five shows in a row about muscle cars on weekday afternoons, as their market research shows people who own muscle cars don't leave the house during the day.
Unsung Heroes

Brett Matheson finally swallowed his pride and thanked his stepfather for rescuing his mother from a house fire.
New Legislation Would Classify Three Or More Gathered Homosexuals As Parade
Area Man Awards Self Five Points For Slam-Dunking Takeout Container Into Trash
Amazing Psychic Bends Truth With Mind
Chess Onlooker Sees A Move You Can Do
LLY

While traders remain unsure of exactly what this pharmaceutical company's new drug Zenetrol does, all agreed that its name sounded highly profitable.
EASLEY HOT SPRINGS, ID—Because her boyfriend had a bad day at work, Juliette Rancora gave him a six-month extension on her original ultimatum that he propose marriage by her birthday.
COLUMBUS, OH— Floundering oaf Nicholas Abrams wondered aloud again this week why he was continually being trailed around town by a tuba player.
BROCKTON, MA—Jonathan Frederick, 32, spent 10 minutes in Target to pick out the stupidest birthday card the store had to offer.

SAN JOSE, CA—A laptop computer containing the personal information of 3,000 patients and staff of the local St Vincent's hospital was used for its intended purpose.

SCOTVILLE, MI—Bob McNichol, 25, gave himself a haircut after practicing in his imagination first.

DOTHAN, AL—Eventually, somebody is going to have to come forward and claim ownership of that pig in the cowboy vest.

Letters to the Editor

Young, Professional People French-Kissing

SPEED, 11 a.m. - 4 p.m. SPEED will be running five shows in a row about muscle cars on weekday afternoons, as their market research shows people who own muscle cars don't leave the house during the day.

Unsung Heroes

New Legislation Would Classify Three Or More Gathered Homosexuals As Parade

Area Man Awards Self Five Points For Slam-Dunking Takeout Container Into Trash

Amazing Psychic Bends Truth With Mind

Chess Onlooker Sees A Move You Can Do

LLY

EASLEY HOT SPRINGS, ID—Because her boyfriend had a bad day at work, Juliette Rancora gave him a six-month extension on her original ultimatum that he propose marriage by her birthday.

COLUMBUS, OH— Floundering oaf Nicholas Abrams wondered aloud again this week why he was continually being trailed around town by a tuba player.

BROCKTON, MA—Jonathan Frederick, 32, spent 10 minutes in Target to pick out the stupidest birthday card the store had to offer.

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SPEED, 11 a.m. - 4 p.m.
SPEED will be running five shows in a row about muscle cars on weekday afternoons, as their market research shows people who own muscle cars don't leave the house during the day.