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Atlantic City Cocktail Waitress Crowned In Mistress USA Pageant

• Man In Inner Tube Completes First Lazy Transatlantic Journey

  ISSUE 44•18 | 04.30.08 | News

  LA ROCHELLE, FRANCE—"You just have to go with the flow," said the epic hero, who navigated and survived the 3,012 nautical mile journey with nonchalance and snacks. more»

  

• Potential Employee Uprising Quelled With Free Pizza

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.02.08 | News

  NEW YORK—Besides suppressing office acrimony, the pizza appeared to subdue frustrated employees on a physical level, leaving many full and slightly fatigued. more»

  

• New 'Get The Fuck Outta The Road' Program Aims To Increase Pedestrian Safety

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.03.08 | News

  WASHINGTON—The program is designed as "an easy-to-understand informational tool that will hopefully get future geniuses to pay the fuck attention," reports say. more»

  

• Man Use Big Word

  ISSUE 44•18 | 04.28.08 | News in Brief

  HERE—Tom, a guy who think he so smart, use big word Tuesday and make feel stupid. "You are a traw-glow-dite," Tom said, and then he smile... more»

• Gears Of War Crimes Court Finds 2006 Locust Horde Massacre Justified

  ISSUE 44•18 | 04.29.08 | News in Brief

  JACINTO PLATEAU, SERA—An independent group holding a Gears of War Crimes Tribunal at the Coalition of Ordered Governments headquarters... more»

• Naughty Butcher Specializes In Penis-Shaped Veal Cutlet

  ISSUE 44•18 | 04.30.08 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Although he is adept at fashioning representations of genitalia out of raw meats, ranging from pork belly to giblets, 36-year-old... more»

• Dying Newspaper Trend Buys Nation's Newspapers Three More Weeks

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.01.08 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—A recent glut of feature stories on the death of the American newspaper has temporarily made the outmoded form of media appealing... more»

• Son Discovers Dad's Welcome Back, Kotter Spec Script While Cleaning Out Attic

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.02.08 | News in Brief

  WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—While cleaning out his parents' attic Sunday, Mark Norton, 24, stumbled upon a Welcome Back, Kotter spec script... more»

• Grand Theft Auto IV Hits Stores

  ISSUE 44•18 | 04.30.08 | Infographic

  The latest installment of Rockstar Games' popular Grand Theft Auto franchise hit stores this week. What are some of the... more»

  

• Your Horoscope

  ISSUE 44•18 | 04.29.08 | Horoscope

• What Are We Using As Collateral?

  ISSUE 44•18 | 04.30.08 | Statshot

  

• Area Kindergartner Tackles The Shit Out Of Dream Girl

  ISSUE 44•18 | 04.29.08 | Radio News

• Rowdy Teens Take Over Local Perkins

  ISSUE 44•18 | 04.30.08 | Radio News

• President Bush Unveils New 'Impotence Only' Sex Policy

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.01.08 | Radio News

• Workaholic Wakes Up In Pool Of Own Paperwork

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.02.08 | Radio News

• Urinator Apprehended

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.03.08 | Radio News

• Longtime Sexual Fantasy Awkwardly Fulfilled

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.04.08 | Radio News

• Four-Year Descent Into Complete Self-Obsession Live-Blogged

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.05.08 | Radio News

• 12 Shirtless Firemen Save Woman From Year Of Loneliness

  ISSUE 44•18 | 04.29.08 | News in Photos

  

• I Couldn't Help But Notice Your Product Hasn't Been Endorsed By Anyone Yet

  ISSUE 44•18 | 04.30.08 | Commentary

  p>My specially designed Tiger Woods TAG Heuer watch read 11:45 a.m. yesterday when I got back from the practice range. After washing up and shaving... more»

• I Won't Ever Let The Position Of County Surveyor Go To My Head

  ISSUE 44•18 | 04.30.08 | Commentary

  My fellow citizens of Wayne County, thank you. You have entrusted me with a sacred duty—the most-honored position of surveyor for the entire... more»

• The Silent Killer

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.02.08 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Editorial Cartoon - April 28, 2008

  ISSUE 44•18 | 04.28.08 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Terrell Owens Not Sure About This 'Pac-Man Jones' Character

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.01.08 | Sports News

  IRVING, TX—Upon hearing that team owner Jerry Jones had traded draft picks to the Tennessee Titans for troubled cornerback Adam "Pac-Man" Jones, Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens held a press conference to discuss his personal misgivings... more»

  

• Millions Of Dollars Of Scientific Research Helps Gatorade Create New Peach Flavor

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.01.08 | Sports News in Brief

  BARRINGTON, IL—According to scientists at Gatorade's Sports Science Institute, the nearly $90 million and approximately 40,000 man-hours the... more»

  

• Nomar Garciaparra Tells Wife To Meet Him On Disabled List At 8 p.m.

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.01.08 | Sports News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—Dodgers third baseman Nomar Garciaparra left a voicemail message for his wife, former soccer star Mia Hamm, asking her to meet him... more»

  

• Michael Waltrip Wins NASCAR's Sixth Cousin Award

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.01.08 | Sports News in Brief

  RICHMOND, VA—NASCAR teams took a break Wednesday from practicing for the Crown Royal Dan Lowry 500 at Richmond International Speedway to honor... more»

  

• Padres Game Sunned Out

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.01.08 | Sports News in Brief

  SAN DIEGO—Following a two and half hour delay for heavy sunshine Monday, umpire Charlie Reliford canceled the game between the Padres and... more»

  

• Tyler Hansbrough Staying In School To Take This One Awesome Philosophy Class

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.01.08 | Sports News in Brief

  CHAPEL HILL, NC—University of North Carolina forward Tyler Hansbrough told reporters yesterday that his decision to forgo the NBA Draft and... more»

  

• Worst NFL Draft Picks 2008

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.01.08 | Sportsgraphic

  Grading the annual NFL Player Draft is an inexact science, but some selections are obviously wrong from the start. Onion Sports runs down this... more»

  

• Kobe Bryant

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.01.08 | Strongside/Weakside

  The hype about Kobe Bryant cannot be denied, but can it be amplified? more»

  

• Greg Maddux Wears Sweater-Vest To Mound

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.01.08 | Photo Finish

  

• Astronauts Suffer Agonizing, High-Pitched Death After Helium Leak

  ISSUE 44•18 | 04.30.08 | O-SPAN

  Two astronauts on the International Space Station display courage, honor, and squeaky voices as they struggle to patch a deadly helium leak. more»

  

• NHL Star Called Up To Big Leagues To Play For NFL Team

  ISSUE 44•18 | 04.29.08 | OSN Video Vault

  The Miami Dolphins have drafted NHL star Alexander Ovechkin, making his dream to play professional sports a reality. more»

  

• Diet Could Affect Gender

  ISSUE 44•18 | 04.28.08 | American Voices

  A new report from Oxford and the University of Exeter in England says that diet at conception can influence the sex of the child. What do you... more»

• Price Clubs Restricting Rice Sales

  ISSUE 44•18 | 04.29.08 | American Voices

  Because of incidents of hoarding, Sam's Club and Costco have put limits on the amounts of certain kinds of rice consumers can buy. What do you... more»

• Dean: One Candidate Must Quit

  ISSUE 44•18 | 04.30.08 | American Voices

  Democratic Party chairman Howard Dean said that, in order to maintain party unity, either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama would have to drop out of... more»

• Hospital-Record Snoop Indicted

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.01.08 | American Voices

  A former administrative specialist at the UCLA hospital was indicted for illegally accessing the medical records of some celebrities, including... more»

• LSD Inventor Dead

  ISSUE 44•18 | 05.02.08 | American Voices

  Albert Hofmann, the Swiss chemist who created the hallucinogen LSD, died the age of 102. What do you think? more»

• Anime Bible Stories

  CTN

  10 a.m. EDT/9 a.m. CDT

  Jacob and Esau do battle in Rebecca’s birth canal—who will be banished to the land of ghosts?

• Supernanny

  ABC

  9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT

  New team member Nanny Lawton starts with the pinky and will keep going until she gets some bloody respect.

• Flip Something!

  TLC

  9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT

  A refrigerator, a duck, and Craig.

• The Great American Blink-A-Thon

  Lifetime

  8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT

  With every blink of the eyes of celebrities Armand Assante, Olympic gymnast Amy Chow, and Louie Anderson, UNICEF gets another penny.

• Solve The Mystery!

  10' x 10' x 10' room for rent, locked from the inside. A man was found hanging from the ceiling with nothing in the room but a puddle of water below him. How did he manage to kill himself?

  Reference #OIR9248

  

• Car Lover’s Dream

  This cozy one-story is tailor-made for the auto enthusiast. Eat, sleep, work, and play either adjacent to or inside a real live car! Ultramodern features include two fully electric doors and motion-activated lighting. Comes with eight free cans of paint!

  Reference #OIR9258

  

• There should have been a price of $1.25 on this week's Onion. Please send that amount to our offices to the attention of the features editor.

• Following a barrage of angry letters regarding last week's article "10 Things You Can Try At Someone Else's Home," The Onion wishes to retract no. 7.

• ESPN2, 11 a.m. - 2 p.m. Thursday

  Although 24-year-old Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester beat cancer, ESPN made a movie about him just in case, and if they don't show The Jon Lester Story at some point they'll lose millions.

  

• 'Sorry, I’m 63 Hours Late, Guys'

  by Dan Childress

  

• Joke About Breakup Leads To Breakup

• Career Fair Loses Attendees To Career Carnival

• Plan So Crazy It Just Might Paralyze Everyone Involved

• STA

  Stock prices for the stationery maker surged on Monday with the news that superstar mathematician John Nash just signed a $90 million deal to endorse their new Angle Nash protractors.