Issue 4419 - 05.05.2008 | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Pope Returns To Vatican With Comprehensive Plan To Blow Up United States

WASHINGTON—In what many believed to be a related incident, a blueprint of New York's proposed Freedom Tower was reported missing the day after the Pope's visit.

…

Local Bar Comes Out As Gay

ISSUE 44•26 ISSUE 44•19 | 05.09.08 | News

SEATTLE—"Once I saw two guys kissing in the bathroom, but I thought they were just drunk. Now it makes perfect sense, though," resident Frank Klein said. more»
Michel Gondry Entertained For Days By New Cardboard Box

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.10.08 | News

NEW YORK—Gondry greeted members of the press by placing the box over his head and declaring that he was a lonely building without a skyline to call home. more»
30 Years Of Man's Life Disappear In Mysterious 'Kansas Rectangle'

ISSUE 44•19 | 06.30.11 | News

CHICAGO—The last known communication from Kevin Corcoran made reference to plans to marry a large blonde woman and enroll in a local technical college. more»
Jaded Seismologist Can No Longer Feel Anything Under 7.0 On Richter Scale

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.05.08 | News in Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—Numbed by 30-plus years of recording more than 700,000 major and minor earthquakes, seismologist Richard Keefer, 58, told... more»
Watching TV Shows On DVD The Way To Do It, Area Man Reports

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.06.08 | News in Brief

MILLERSVILLE, PA—Local resident Thomas Humphrey, 36, blasted traditional American methods of viewing episodic television Monday, proclaiming... more»
Economic Stimulus Check Burned For Warmth

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.07.08 | News in Brief

HELENA, MT—Saying the extra bit of kindling material couldn't have come at a better time, 43-year-old school teacher Tim Donaldson received his... more»
Number Of Acceptable Things Candidates Can Say Now Down To Four

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.08.08 | News in Brief

NEW YORK—After Sen. Barack Obama's comments last week about what he typically eats for dinner were criticized by Sen. Hillary Clinton as being... more»
Obama's Minister's Outrageous Comments

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.07.08 | Infographic

Reverend Jeremiah A. Wright, Jr., the former pastor of presidential candidate Barack Obama, has been blasted for controversial statements he made to his congregation. What are some of the remarks he's under fire for? more»
Your Horoscope

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.06.08 | Horoscope
What's In It For Us?

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.07.08 | Statshot
Pope Stays Up All Night Telling God About Trip To America

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.06.08 | Radio News
Breakthrough Heinz Bottle Shoots Ketchup With Laser-Like Precision

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.07.08 | Radio News
Enterprising Dog Opens Own Kennel

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.08.08 | Radio News
Cheney Adds Rare '64 Kuwait To Oil Cellar

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.09.08 | Radio News
India's Top Physicists Develop Plan To Get The Hell Out Of India

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.10.08 | Radio News
Christian Slater Dropped From List Of Names To Drop

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.11.08 | Radio News
Rubik's Cube Solved With Hammer

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.12.08 | Radio News
Miley Cyrus Apologizes For Breasts

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.06.08 | News in Photos
Area Man Determined To Get Money’s Worth From Pay Toilet

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.07.08 | News in Photos
This International Space Station Is A Pig Sty

ISSUE 45•01 ISSUE 44•19 | 05.07.08 | Commentary

Flight Engineer Oleg Kononenko, pay attention. And make sure Commander Sergei Volkov and spaceflight participant Yi So-yeon hear this, too. I... more»
I'm The Denzel Washington In Training Day Of Booking Plane Tickets Online

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.07.08 | Commentary

Listen up, bitch-ass fools. When it comes to booking airline tickets on the Internet, King Kong ain't got shit on me. I'm the baddest motherfucker... more»
Natural Childbirth: How Morally Superior Does It Make You?

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.09.08 | Sunday Magazine
Editorial Cartoon - May 5, 2008

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.05.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Nationals Book It After Foul Ball Accidentally Smashes Capitol Rotunda

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.08.08 | Sports News

WASHINGTON, DC—An 8,976-foot foul ball off the bat of Washington third baseman Ryan Zimmerman crashed through the U.S. Capitol Building rotunda Sunday afternoon, prompting both the Nationals and the opposing Pittsburgh Pirates to gasp, turn... more»
Baseball Swing So Bad It Makes Joe Morgan Vomit

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.08.08 | Sports News in Brief

ST. LOUIS—Moments after watching Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina get fooled into swinging well ahead of a 73 mph curveball, ESPN Sunday Night... more»
High School Team Denies Winning For Dead Teammate

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.08.08 | Sports News in Brief

MONONGAHELA, FL—The Monongahela West Tarpon, a boy's prep baseball team that has surged to a two-game lead in the Frostproof conference with a... more»
MLB Pickpocket Suspected In Series Of Stolen Batting Gloves

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.08.08 | Sports News in Brief

MILWAUKEE—According to an urgent notice from the commissioner's office, the infamous "MLB Pickpocket" is at it again—in the past week... more»
Report: Olympics Mathematically Likely To Happen This Year

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.08.08 | Sports News in Brief

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—Despite the numerous and varied difficulties faced by Beijing officials as the 2008 Olympiad draws nearer, International... more»
New NFL Rule Will Force Players To Have One Of Three Appropriate Haircuts

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.08.08 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Hoping to address the issue of long hair obscuring players' names and numbers, NFL owners passed a new rule wherein players would be... more»
The Debut Of The UNFL

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.08.08 | Sportsgraphic

A New Haven-based investor group recently announced the formation of the United National Football League, saying their 22 professional teams will... more»
Barry Zito

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.08.08 | Strongside/Weakside

What did the Giants get for their $126 million? more»
Bruce Bowen Fouls Back In

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.08.08 | Photo Finish
Age-Progression Technology Indicates Missing Child A Prostitute By Now

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.07.08 | Today Now!

Today Now! utilizes computer technology to show a mother how rampant drug use and prostitution has ravaged her little girl's body. more»
Walters Had Affair With Senator

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.05.08 | American Voices

In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Barbara Walters admitted that she had an affair with former U.S. Sen. Edward Brooke. What do you think? more»
Pittsburgh No. 1 In Soot

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.06.08 | American Voices

The American Lung Association named Pittsburgh as the sootiest city in America. What do you think? more»
Stronger LASIK Warnings Urged

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.07.08 | American Voices

An FDA panel urged medical providers to offer more accurate warnings about the risks of refractive laser eye surgery. What do you think? more»
Peanut Allergies May Be Cured

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.08.08 | American Voices

According to Duke University medical researchers, a cure for peanut allergies may be five years away. What do you think? more»
Earliest American Scat Found

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.09.08 | American Voices

The earliest-known fossilized feces was found recently in Oregon, placing humans on the American continents 1000 years earlier than previously... more»
The Papacy - A Look Back

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.07.08 | Slideshow
Hollywood's Slicked-Backed-Hair Men

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.08.08 | Slideshow
Michel Gondry With Box

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.10.08 | Slideshow
ESPN2, 2 a.m.-3:30 a.m.
The ESPN Deportes crew steps in to bring you every soccer score of every soccer game from every country of the world in El Informe Exhaustivo Del Fútbol. Repeat airing follows.
Enron

Shares of this defunct energy company continue to be worth nothing, so stop looking through the stock reports, you're never getting that money back.
Trial Lawyer's Closing Statement Lifted Straight From 'JAG'
Fat Suit No Longer Fits
Last Corner In Iraq Turned, Forming Dodecahedron
DALLAS—An evening of siphoning gas yielded an unexpected benefit for Luke Neely, who discovered that he genuinely loved the taste of premium unleaded.
HARRISONBURG, VA—Following a few successful trials, Will Hoving vowed that he would never again look both ways before crossing the street.
FARMINGVILLE, NY—Drunk pollster Andre Huget just called to see how things are going with what's-his-name.

ESPN2, 2 a.m.-3:30 a.m. The ESPN Deportes crew steps in to bring you every soccer score of every soccer game from every country of the world in El Informe Exhaustivo Del Fútbol. Repeat airing follows.

Enron

Trial Lawyer's Closing Statement Lifted Straight From 'JAG'

Fat Suit No Longer Fits

Last Corner In Iraq Turned, Forming Dodecahedron

DALLAS—An evening of siphoning gas yielded an unexpected benefit for Luke Neely, who discovered that he genuinely loved the taste of premium unleaded.

HARRISONBURG, VA—Following a few successful trials, Will Hoving vowed that he would never again look both ways before crossing the street.

FARMINGVILLE, NY—Drunk pollster Andre Huget just called to see how things are going with what's-his-name.

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ESPN2, 2 a.m.-3:30 a.m.
The ESPN Deportes crew steps in to bring you every soccer score of every soccer game from every country of the world in El Informe Exhaustivo Del Fútbol. Repeat airing follows.