Right To Own Guns Upheld

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Issue 4426

Local Bar Comes Out As Gay

SEATTLE—"Once I saw two guys kissing in the bathroom, but I thought they were just drunk. Now it makes perfect sense, though," resident Frank Klein said.

WNBA Season Highlights

Onion Sports looks back at the best moments from the 11th season of women's professional basketball.

Seacrest vs. Cowell

Tensions between American Idol stars Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell are coming to a head. Here is a timeline detailing their past...

Streisand Farewell Tour

Barbra Streisand recently kicked off her latest farewell tour in Philadelphia. Here is what she is bringing to her final round of stage...

Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything—I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

New Dad Thinks Baby Might Be Gay

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Citing "something vaguely effeminate" about his eight-month-old son Michael, first-time father Joe Oebrick, 32, reported Tuesday that he suspects the infant may be a homosexual.

Dance-Club Bathroom Left Out Of Gay Couple's Meeting Story

MINNEAPOLIS—During an anniversary get-together at their apartment Monday, Matthew Ledger and Dale Robertson told the story of their first meeting to a curious friend, omitting key details that took place in the men's room of a Hennepin Avenue dance club. "Oh, we met at The Gay '90s," Robertson said, making no mention of the fellatio Ledger performed on him in the second-floor restroom. "Matt bought me a drink, and we and ended up dancing together all night long. When his date was pulling him out of the club at the end of the night, he slipped me his number." Helen Meske, the friend who asked about the couple's meeting, said the story was "so sweet."

Gay Couple Has Banal Sex

MINNEAPOLIS—Jerome Ostrowski and Barry Lipner engaged in the practice of banal sex Monday, sources reported. "After we got home from Don Giovanni's, the restaurant we go to pretty much every Monday night, Barry started giving me one of his predictable mood-setting backrubs," Ostrowski said. "After five minutes of that, he mounted me and put in a hundred or so quick thrusts. All in all, not one of our more memorable encounters." Lipner said that Ostrowski's reciprocal act of fellatio was "serviceable."

Gay Couple Feels Pressured To Marry

DEDHAM, MA—Ever since last month, when Massachusetts became the first state to allow same-sex weddings, parents, friends, and coworkers have been pressuring Kristin Burton and her girlfriend Laura Miyatake to marry, the couple of 14 months said Monday.

Catholic Church Condemns Metrosexuality

VATICAN CITY—Vatican spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls said Monday that metrosexuality, the trend of heterosexual men co-opting the aesthetics of homosexual men, is strictly prohibited under Catholic doctrine. "The truly faithful will avoid the temptation to adopt this hip urban lifestyle," Navarro-Valls said. "The devout Catholic must remain on the path toward salvation, no matter how good he'd look in an Armani pullover, and no matter how much he might covet his neighbor's set of Williams-Sonoma lobster forks." Karl Weis, director of the New York-based activist group Freedom From Religion, responded to the ban by stating that "metrosexuality is so 2003."

Bush Urges Iraqis To Pass Amendment Banning Gay Marriage

BAGHDAD—In a private meeting with Mohammed Bahr al-Ulloum, President Bush urged the Iraqi Governing Council president to amend the recently ratified Iraqi constitution to protect the sanctity of heterosexual marriage. "The Iraqi constitution, signed just a few short weeks ago, will usher in a new era of democratic freedom in Iraq," Bush said. "But there are some unlawful and unholy acts that the constitution's original drafters could not have possibly intended to protect." Bush then told al-Ulloum he must act quickly and decisively to preserve his country's most sacred tradition.

I Think I'll Drive The Kids Up To The State Park To See This 'Glory Hole'

I try to be a good dad, but even so, I've been noticing this family drifting apart. We don't talk as much at the dinner table. We don't spend Sunday nights playing Clue as often as we used to. Our set of matching fishing poles is just collecting dust in the closet. I think this family needs to take a nice day trip. I know Bryan wants to go to the aviation museum, and Hilary loves the petting zoo in Greenwood, but I've got a better idea. I keep hearing about this "Glory Hole" up at the state park, and it sounds like just the thing.

Gay TV

Gay-themed television series like Bravo's Queer Eye For The Straight Guy and Boy Meets Boy are popular with mainstream audiences. What's the appeal?

Band Teacher Gay In Retrospect

PINE BLUFF, AR—Recalling that Mr. Moreland wore an ascot on concert days, former student Gary Dolan, 32, concluded that he was gay.

Newly Out Gay Man Overdoing It

PENSACOLA, FL—Calling his flamboyant air and effeminate mannerisms "a bit forced," friends of recently out-of-the-closet homosexual Mark Glynn, 23, say he's overdoing it.

Name Of Gay Bar Should Have Been Clearer

CHICAGO—After accidentally walking into a gay bar Monday, Jeff Pierce, 23, said the name of the establishment failed to clearly telegraph its orientation. "I can see how Rods sounds gay," Pierce said, "but it's just not as crystal-clear as it could be." Pierce urged the bar's owner to consider changing the name, suggesting The Manhole or Big Throbbing Homo Cocks.

School Board Adopts Gay-Ass Uniform Policy

LOS ANGELES—Seeking to reduce incidents of student violence and insubordination, the Los Angeles Unified School District voted 9-3 Monday to institute a gay-ass uniform policy. "We feel these lame uniforms, with their dorky ties and dipwad school crests, will help create a school environment more conducive to learning," said LAUSD board officer Jefferson Crain. "We foresee fewer outbursts when students are forced to walk around in these retardo suits."

I Can't Seem To Find The Moline Gay District

As a gay man, whenever I'm in a new city, the first thing I do is seek out the gay district. Whether it's New York's Greenwich Village, The Castro in San Francisco, or Chicago's Boystown, a gay district has the stores, cafés, and clubs that fit my lifestyle. But I've been here in Moline for two whole days on business and, God help me, I can't find the Moline gay district anywhere.

GOP 'Ins' Alabama Representative

WASHINGTON, DC—In another high-profile inning, Republican leaders praised homosexual Rep. Tom Priegle (R-AL) as "a dedicated husband and father who's fighting for old-fashioned values." "Rep. Priegle, your deep commitment to the family and the homespun values that made America great are what this party is all about," Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) said of the now secretly gay Priegle. "You are to be commended for your dedication to God and country." Priegle is the fifth member of Congress to be inned by the GOP since 1996.

Wellesley College Removes Phrase 'Hot All-Girl Action' From School Brochure

WELLESLEY, MA—Responding to widespread protests, Wellesley College is withdrawing the phrase "Hot All-Girl Action" from its recruitment brochures, spokespersons for the prestigious women's college announced Monday. Said Wellesley president Celia Holmes: "Henceforth, our college brochures will no longer tout the '24-hour, non-stop lesbo pussy party' aspect of the Wellesley experience." Holmes also said that, from now on, the school's website will be accessible without a credit-card number.

Area Homosexual Saves Four From Fire

FALMOUTH, MA—Near-tragedy turned to joy Monday, when Phillip and Karen Widman and their two children were rescued from their burning house on Locust Street by Kevin Lassally, a homosexual man.

McDonnell-Douglas Unveils New 'Gay-Dar'

WASHINGTON, DC—McDonnell-Douglas unveiled its new $500 million "Gay-Dar" homosexual-detection system Monday, the most sophisticated such system ever developed. "This device can instinctively tell the sexual orientation of an individual at distances of up to 12 miles. Somehow, it just knows," McDonnell-Douglas CEO Frank Reed said. "The military applications of the system are limitless, not just against potentially gay enemies, but within the U.S. military itself." According to Pentagon sources, gay enlistees will be weeded out using Gay-Dar, and lieutenants will use it to know which women they may molest and which will merely get "all dykey on them."

Gay Gene Isolated, Ostracized

BALTIMORE—On Monday, scientists at Johns Hopkins University isolated the gene which causes homosexuality in human males, promptly segregating it from normal, heterosexual genes. "I had suspected that gene was queer for a long time now. There was just something not quite right about it," said team leader Dr. Norbert Reynolds. "It's a good thing we isolated it; I wouldn't want that faggot-ass gene messing with the straight ones." Among the factors Reynolds cited as evidence of the gene's gayness: its pinkish hue; meticulously frilly perimeter; and faint but distinct, perfume-like odor.

Theodore Roosevelt Was A Gay Man

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Newly uncovered documents at the National Archives reveal that Theodore Roosevelt was not only a burly outdoorsman, but also a gay man. "We're not trying to debunk any myths here," head archivist Fran Fretny said. "All we're saying is that he was quite gay." Evidence of Roosevelt's gayness include his excessive smiling; his jolly, booming voice; and his generally "sunny" disposition. "He was just a happy, robust, cheerful fellow, is all we're saying," Fretny concluded, adding that she did not mean to imply that Roosevelt was a homo.
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Right To Own Guns Upheld

In its first interpretation of the Second Amendment in 80 years, the Supreme Court overturned Washington D.C.'s gun ban, stating that Americans had the right to own handguns. What do you think?