Issue 4429 - 07.14.2008 | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Recession-Plagued Nation Demands New Bubble To Invest In

WASHINGTON—"Every American family deserves a false sense of security," said one analyst, hoping to persuade Congress to back an unviable short-term solution.…

Hubble Kaleidoscope Finds Evidence Of Space Looking All Crazy

ISSUE 46•52 ISSUE 44•29 | 07.16.08 | News

BALTIMORE—Scientists now have access to clear images of the multicolored polygons and sparkling glitter believed to cover up to 99.999 percent of the universe. more»
'Time' Publishes Definitive Obama Puff Piece

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.18.08 | News

NEW YORK—The 24-page profile features the most lack-of-depth reporting on Obama ever published, and has helped to redefine the boundaries of journalistic drivel. more»
Man Returns To Place Of Birth To Mate

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.19.08 | News

TWIN FALLS, ID—"It's beautiful," said one nearby observer who wished to remain anonymous. "I never tire of watching these majestic creatures breed." more»
No One In Group Admits Girls' Night Out A Colossal Failure

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.14.08 | News in Brief

[media:64589] PROVIDENCE, RI—After hyping the outing with several days of text messages, including "things are going to get crazy," "the Bod... more»
Going To Tops Of Things Still Favored By Nation's Tourists

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.15.08 | News in Brief

[media:77187]NEW YORK—According to a report released Monday by the American Tourism Society, going to the tops of things is still the... more»
Sen. Dick Lugar Placed On Congressional Disabled List With Strained Hamstring

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.16.08 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Two days after tearing his right hamstring while sponsoring bill S. 2597, Sen. Dick Lugar (R-IN-.314) was placed on the 15-day... more»
Television Character Nervous About Upcoming Class Reunion

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.17.08 | News in Brief

LOS ANGELES—Just one week after being temporarily reunited with his long-lost twin brother, television character Jason Thompson, 28,... more»
Rain Told To Go Away In 1986 Returns

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.18.08 | News in Brief

ADAIR, IA—A rainstorm that in August 1986 was told to "go away" and advised to come again another day returned Monday, soaking the downtown... more»
Climate Change's Security Fallout

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.16.08 | Infographic

The National Intelligence Council recently addressed Congress to discuss the security threats that need to be considered in the face of global... more»
Your Horoscope

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.15.08 | Horoscope
What Is Being Adapted To Opera?

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.16.08 | Statshot
Car-Wash Employee Tragically Simonized

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.15.08 | Radio News
Nunchuck Mastery Displayed To Enemy

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.16.08 | Radio News
Ronald Reagan Prime Suspect In Bank Robbery

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.17.08 | Radio News
Gettysburg Battlefield Solemnly Urinated On

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.18.08 | Radio News
Earth Explodes

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.19.08 | Radio News
Time Warner CEO Announces Plans To Merge With Secretary

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.20.08 | Radio News
Apology To Area Dog Insincere

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.21.08 | Radio News
Infants Piling Up At Orphanage’s Old Address

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.15.08 | News in Photos
I Don't Have Time For Noncontroversial Art Exhibits

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.16.08 | Commentary

I'm a busy man. If you know me, that's old news. Chances are, if I'm not standing in line for one controversial art exhibition, I'm on my way... more»
Shit Yeah, Another Baby

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.16.08 | Commentary

Free clinic says I'm gonna have me another baby. Two months I been pregnant already, and it's like I didn't even notice. But now I'm pumped as... more»
Unsuccessful 20 Years Old You Don't Need To Be Jealous Of

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.18.08 | Sunday Magazine
Editorial Cartoon - July 14, 2008

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.14.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Appealed Strike Call Taken All The Way To Supreme Court

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.17.08 | Sports News

WASHINGTON—The United States Supreme Court heard oral arguments yesterday in the case of Wright v. Dreckman, which calls into question professional baseball player David Wright's 2005 check swing against the San Diego Padres and... more»
Sprinter Sends In Home Video Of Self Beating 100-Meter World Record

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.17.08 | Sports News in Brief

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—A group of sprinters, Olympic executives, and track-and-field referees gathered at the Comité International Olympique in... more»
A's Pitchers Meet Up At Cool Pitcher Hangout Called 'The Strike Zone' After Game

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.17.08 | Sports News in Brief

OAKLAND—Following their victory against the Texas Rangers last night, Oakland A's starting pitchers Greg Smith, Dana Eveland and Justin... more»
Base Runners Agree Albert Pujols Most Awkward First Baseman To Talk To

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.17.08 | Sports News in Brief

ST. LOUIS—A recent survey conducted by the Elias Sports Bureau shows that 98 percent of all National League base runners agree that Cardinals... more»
Hard-Hitting Investigative Report Still Only About Sports

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.17.08 | Sports News in Brief

BRISTOL, CT—A four month in-depth investigation into the conduct of USC basketball star O.J. Mayo conducted by ESPN's Outside The Lines... more»
A-Rod Checks Beckett Baseball Card Monthly To See If Rookie Card Went Up

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.17.08 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—On a recent visit to a local mall with his wife and children, Yankees third basement Alex Rodriguez entered a sports memorabilia store... more»
Lesser-Known Sports Video Games

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.17.08 | Sportsgraphic

Sports titles account for almost a third of all video games sold, but not all of them can be best-sellers or long-running franchises. Some that... more»
Oscar De La Hoya

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.17.08 | Strongside/Weakside

We size up the Golden Boy, who seems determined to retire for good after his next fight, if not during it. more»
Angry Jim Leyland's Mustache Keeps Falling Off While Yelling At Team

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.17.08 | Photo Finish
'No Values Voters' Looking To Support Most Evil Candidate

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.14.08 | Newsroom

Both candidates are stepping up their efforts to attract crucial 'no values voters' by abusing animals and murdering the elderly. more»
Tiny Dog Has Been Barking Nonstop For 6 Years

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.16.08 | Newsroom

Pausing only to eat, the West Highland white terrier yips and yelps 24 hours a day, according to neighbors. more»
Obama Chastises Bernie Mac

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.15.08 | American Voices

Presumptive Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama asked comedian Bernie Mac to "clean up his act" after some of his jokes rankled audience... more»
Bush Lifts Offshore Drilling Ban

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.16.08 | American Voices

To give the appearance of combating high oil prices, President Bush lifted a long-standing executive order prohibiting offshore drilling. What do... more»
Secondhand TV Distracts From Playtime

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.17.08 | American Voices

A new study demonstrates that when a television is on the background, children play about 5 percent less than without, thus impeding development of... more»
McCain Addresses NAACP

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.18.08 | American Voices

Presumptive Republican presidential candidate John McCain spoke before the NAACP on Wednesday. What do you think? more»
The Week In Review

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.19.08 | Slideshow
The Legacy Of George W. Bush

ISSUE 44•29 | 01.21.09 | Slideshow
Hayden

Four- year-old Hayden Kirschner threw an unprompted tantrum in the middle of Sephora, saving his mother $35 on an eyeliner she didn't need.
Jingle

Dear The Onion,

It's about time your paper had a jingle. How about this? "Read The Onion every day!" Let me know if you want to hear the music.

H. Lopez, Newfolden, MN
Becky Esh

Becky Esch volunteered to plan the burlap olympics portion of her 20-year reunion even though she wasn't an athlete in high school.
Disney World Secrets

Travel

6 p.m. EDT/5 p.m. CDT

Experts help plan your next vacation to Disney World with helpful tips like where to get cheap eats and how to find all the hidden swastikas.
Smiling Strangers

ABC

9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT

The threats and beatings they receive on the streets of major American cities.
ESPN, 11 a.m.-12 p.m.
Viewers of the morning's fifth repeat of SportsCenter who find the 10 differences between this show and the first four broadcasts will win a case of motor oil.
Four Star Chef

Dear The Onion,

I like to tell my wife that she's a four-star chef, but I'm not sure if that's accurate. Would you mind sending your restaurant critic over to our apartment this Tuesday?

Jason Icerman, Gainesville, FL
NEWH

Stock prices began rebounding from record lows after 150 years, as whale oil once again became an affordable energy source.
Roommate Can't Believe His Fire Extinguisher Used Without Asking
Teen Jury Finds Defendant Cool
Sexual Boundaries Disputed
Gathering Of Pigeons Shown Who Is Boss
ROCHESTER, NY—Win Sager dispelled rumors that his band is done and won't be playing Debbie Spector's backyard.
BAKERSFIELD, CA—Locals have taken the 25 percent-off sale at Yarn Village to be a sign of weakness and thus will no longer patronize the store.
TUPELO, MS—After 45 minutes of bouncing, Justin York, 9, no longer wanted to be on the trampoline but had forgotten how else to live.

Hayden

Jingle

Becky Esh

Disney World Secrets

Smiling Strangers

ESPN, 11 a.m.-12 p.m. Viewers of the morning's fifth repeat of SportsCenter who find the 10 differences between this show and the first four broadcasts will win a case of motor oil.

Four Star Chef

NEWH

Roommate Can't Believe His Fire Extinguisher Used Without Asking

Teen Jury Finds Defendant Cool

Sexual Boundaries Disputed

Gathering Of Pigeons Shown Who Is Boss

ROCHESTER, NY—Win Sager dispelled rumors that his band is done and won't be playing Debbie Spector's backyard.

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Locals have taken the 25 percent-off sale at Yarn Village to be a sign of weakness and thus will no longer patronize the store.

TUPELO, MS—After 45 minutes of bouncing, Justin York, 9, no longer wanted to be on the trampoline but had forgotten how else to live.

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ESPN, 11 a.m.-12 p.m.
Viewers of the morning's fifth repeat of SportsCenter who find the 10 differences between this show and the first four broadcasts will win a case of motor oil.