Queen Elizabeth II Announces She's Pregnant AgainNews • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 23, 2008 LONDON—The queen assured her 59-year-old son, Prince Charles, that he was still special, and the baby would not replace him as the heir apparent ...
Courageous E-mail To Boss In Drafts Folder Since DecemberNews • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 25, 2008 COLUMBUS, OH—Brent Quigley considered sending the e-mail, clicking and holding his mouse arrow over the "Send" icon, but ultimately dragged it away.
Mob Not Angry At Monster, Just DisappointedNews • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 26, 2008 CEAMURLIA, ROMANIA—"We can't help him unless he helps himself," said a villager. "Right now, all he seems to want to do is hang ...
Man Given Points For Trying Increases Total Trying Points To 643,457News in Brief • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 21, 2008 HIAWATHA, IA—After a failed attempt to surprise his family with a chili dinner Friday, Frank Hayden, 38, was given 16 points for trying by...
Firefighters Turned Away From Exclusive Nightclub BlazeNews in Brief • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 22, 2008 DETROIT—After responding to a fire at elite nightclub Tech-Noir, all 20 members of Ladder Company 24 were denied entrance and forced to...
Darfur, IA Also In Pretty Bad ShapeNews in Brief • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 23, 2008 [media:71533] DARFUR, IA—Residents of Darfur, IA reached out to the international press today, in an attempt to bring greater attention to...
Only Remaining Rhyme Rapper Can Think Of Is 'Cliff Clavin'News in Brief • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 24, 2008 ATLANTA—Rapper Young Jeezy, attempting to put the finishing touches on his latest single "U Know Da Club," has exhausted every rhyme...
Can't Go Wrong With A Cheeseburger, Area Man ReportsNews in Brief • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 25, 2008 [media:64749]SCOTTSVILLE, NY—Unfamiliar with the menu at local restaurant Scully's and faced with the decision of what to order for lunch,...
New 'X-Files' Movie OpensInfographic • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 23, 2008 Six years after it went off the air, The X-Files is back in a new feature-length film titled The X-Files: I Want...
President Bush Disappointed Chinese Foreign Minister Doesn't Know KarateRadio News • ISSUE 44•30 • Aug 3, 2008
Unemployed Bob Barker Spends Morning Watching 'Price Is Right'News in Photos • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 22, 2008
How Come No One Celebrates My Alcoholism Like John Cheever's?Commentary • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 23, 2008 By Rich Englewood
You're Never Too Old For Laser Tag vs. Sir, If You're Not Accompanying A Minor I'm Going To Have To Ask You To LeavePoint/Counterpoint • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 23, 2008 By Alex Hart, LaserAdventure Mission Commander When I walk into the office on Monday, the guys always ask me what I did over the weekend, and my answer is always the ...
C.C. Sabathia, Prince Fielder Keep Imagining Each Other As Giant Talking Hot Dog, HamburgerSports News • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 24, 2008 MILWAUKEE—The Brewers' playoff push has run afoul of an unusual distraction, as sources close to the organization confirm that newly acquired husky starting pitcher ...
Tour De France Cyclists Make It Past Dreaded Underwater StageSports News in Brief • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 24, 2008 FRANCE—Luxembourger Frank Schleck, a rider with the CSC team, emerged from the 182-kilometer underwater tunnel stage Monday triumphantly...
Redskins Acquire Replacement TaylorSports News in Brief • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 24, 2008 ASHBURN, VA—The Washington Redskins bolstered their Taylor-depleted roster Monday by trading two future draft picks to the Miami Dolphins...
Report: Greg Maddux Can Guess Any Pitcher's WHIP Just By Looking At ThemSports News in Brief • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 24, 2008 SAN DIEGO—Padres starter Greg Maddux possesses the uncanny ability to correctly guess any pitcher's WHIP, or walks plus hits per innings...
Mariners Improve To Eight Games Over .300Sports News in Brief • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 24, 2008 SEATTLE—After winning for the seventh time in their past 17 games, the Seattle Mariners moved to eight games over the .300 mark for the...
Braylon Edwards Claims He Kissed A Bunch Of Girls At Voluntary CampSports News in Brief • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 24, 2008 BEREA, OH—Wide receiver Braylon Edwards regaled his teammates Wednesday with tales of breaking the Browns voluntary-camp curfew to sneak...
Predictions For Baseball's Second HalfSportsgraphic • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 24, 2008 With the All-Star break out of the way, Onion Sports runs down what to look for between now and October: The...
Greg NormanStrongside/Weakside • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 24, 2008 Greg Norman very nearly won the British Open, so is the aging Aussie very nearly a good golfer?
Domino's Scientists Test Limits Of What Humans Will EatNewsroom • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 22, 2008 Despite ethical concerns about testing on humans, researchers say their work was necessary to determine the boundary between garbage and food.
Chef Cooks 'Dream Omelet' From Recipe That Came To Him In A DreamToday Now! • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 23, 2008 Today Now! shares a delicious omelet recipe you can make at home with just a few simple and surreal ingredients.
'The Dark Knight' Tops Box OfficeAmerican Voices • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 21, 2008 The latest installment of the Batman franchise opened at No. 1 in the box office this weekend. What do you think?
Pope Decries MaterialismAmerican Voices • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 22, 2008 During a visit to Australia, Pope Benedict XVI spoke out against the "sense of despair" that accompanies material prosperity. What do you...
Ebert and Roeper Leaving 'Ebert and Roeper'American Voices • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 23, 2008 Film critic Roger Ebert and Chicago Sun-Times columnist Richard Roeper have opted not to renew their contract with Disney, thereby ending...
U.S. Deserters Not Safe in CanadaAmerican Voices • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 24, 2008 Canada, long considered a safe haven for deserters from the United States armed forces, have been toughening their stance against Americans seeking...
Novak Hits Pedestrian With CorvetteAmerican Voices • ISSUE 44•30 • Jul 25, 2008 Columnist Robert Novak struck a pedestrian while driving a black Corvette on Washington D.C.'s K Street, and had to be chased down by ...