BOONEVILLE, KY—A number of groups withdrew financial support after Cooter Obama punched a swan in the face and mistook Sen. John Kerry for an ...

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—The new shampoo features an all-alcohol-based formula and is as gentle on a baby's skin as "having to grow up and ...

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Unhindered by a curfew and free from parental oversight, freshman Phil Melton, 18, spent his first night of independence Saturday inside his ...

CARPENTERSVILLE, IL—Local first-grader Connor Bolduc, 6, experienced the first inkling of a coming lifetime of existential dread Monday upon recognizing his cruel destiny to ...

NEW YORK—Skeptics will be pleased traditional Soderberghian themes are present: anger, betrayal, and the travails of cool, wealthy people who plan crime capers.

DALLAS—Greyhound Lines announced Monday that the premiere issue of Turnpike, the transportation giant's new in-bus entertainment...

NASHVILLE, TN—Local resident Nathan Corbin, 37, has set a strict 10 a.m. curfew for his 16-year-old daughter Kathy, the underbearing father...

ATLANTA—Marking the network's first foray into episodic comedy, executives at the Weather Channel announced Monday that they are wrapping up...

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Double-jointed man Stephen Rothkowitz's first date with Lois Hiller, 30, was irrevocably derailed when the 29-year-old...

WASHINGTON—News of his extramarital affair with a former campaign worker could put John Edwards at serious risk of losing the position or...

OKEECHOBEE SWAMPS, FL—According to sources, the monster got Tina, 18, despite her having been right behind the other remaining survivors...

BLOOMINGTON, IN—A mere six hours after you got drunk and made out with her at your eighth-floor party, that weird girl you may have...

DAVIS, CA—Dressed in a pair of casual jeans to offset his tie, University of California-Davis creative writing professor Glenn Kohn, 30,...

COLUMBIA, SC—University of South Carolina loser freshman Robert Larkin, formerly the anchor of Norrix High School's weekly news broadcast...

VALPARAISO, IN—Following an eerie series of events during their first common room meeting Monday night, freshmen residents of Brandt Hall at...

TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Former students of Traverse City High School became utterly incensed Wednesday after learning their alma mater had...

RICHMOND, VA—Inciting further speculation that Virginia governor Tim Kaine would be named Sen. Barack Obama's running mate, snickering...

The suicide of bioweapons researcher Dr. Bruce Ivins derailed the investigation into his alleged involvement in the 2001 anthrax attacks. The...

BEIJING—Chinese Olympic officials say they are no closer to catching the swashbuckling, green-uniformed archery competitor who has disrupted every single medal ceremony of the ...

BEIJING—Despite encountering a multitude of 36-inch-high wooden barriers along the way, Japanese hurdler Narisako Kenji overcame every...

BEIJING—After settling for bronze in the Team Artistic Gymnastic event Tuesday, the U.S. men's team promised reporters that, for the...

BEIJING—Responding to controversy regarding lip-syncing singers and "simulated" fireworks during the Olympic opening ceremonies, Chinese...

LOS ANGELES—Dodgers left-fielder Manny Ramirez, sent to Los Angeles in a three-team trade two weeks ago, said Monday that he "really likes"...

BEIJING—With just two hundredths of a second to spare, American charioteer Hank Fowler shocked those gathered in the Beijing Hippodrome...

As familiar names Brett Favre, Manny Ramirez, and Ken Griffey Jr. settle into unfamiliar teams, Onion Sports looks at the long and checkered...

Usain Bolt of Jamaica and Tyson Gay of the U.S. are favorites in the Olympic 100 meters, but exactly what must they do to ...

The Chinese government explained that the fatal disease is caused by the excitement of the Olympics, not infected birds, as was previously reported.

Mission specialist Robert Barrett first became suspicious when he noticed most of his tasks involved measuring his waist and eating cookie dough.

Investigators uncovered 57 child labor violations at a kosher meatpacking facility in Iowa. What do you think?

An application called "I Am Rich," which displays a ruby on iPhone screens, was pulled from the phone's application store without notice. What do...

A Wikipedia editor claims that John McCain's speech about the Russian-Georgian hostilities was largely lifted from the website's entry on Georgia....

The United States will "in all likelihood" drop out of annual naval exercises with Russia to express disapproval of the country's war with Georgia....

A University of Iowa professor is accused of fondling students in exchange for higher grades. What do you think?

Americans drove 53.2 billion fewer miles in the past nine months than they did in a comparable period a year ago. What do you ...