Growing Up

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Issue 4433

First Night Of Freedom Spent Alone In Dorm Room

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Unhindered by a curfew and free from parental oversight, freshman Phil Melton, 18, spent his first night of independence Saturday inside his Pennsylvania State University dorm room and was asleep by 11:45...

Monster Got Tina

OKEECHOBEE SWAMPS, FL—According to sources, the monster got Tina, 18, despite her having been right behind the other remaining survivors...

Old Stars With New Teams

As familiar names Brett Favre, Manny Ramirez, and Ken Griffey Jr. settle into unfamiliar teams, Onion Sports looks at the long and checkered...

Usain Bolt vs. Tyson Gay

Usain Bolt of Jamaica and Tyson Gay of the U.S. are favorites in the Olympic 100 meters, but exactly what must they do to win?

The Evidence Against Ivins

The suicide of bioweapons researcher Dr. Bruce Ivins derailed the investigation into his alleged involvement in the 2001 anthrax attacks. The...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.