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Hummingbird Back At Feeder Again, Grandmother Reports

• Obama Modifies 'Yes We Can' Message To Exclude Area Loser

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.27.08 | News

  COLUMBIA, SC—Nate Walsh, who has lived with his parents since 2001, no longer figures into the senator’s plan of rallying Americans around a common, higher purpose. more»

  

• Juicer Infomercial Sweeps Early Morning Emmys

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.30.08 | News

  LOS ANGELES—TriStar Products, makers of Jack LaLanne's Power Juicer released a statement saying it was an honor just to be nominated alongside the Total Gym. more»

  

• Pedophile Nervous For First Day Of School

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.31.08 | News

  SEATTLE—"I hope the kids at Hampstead Elementary like me," 37-year-old Howard Dengal said. "It'd be nice to have someone to play with during recess." more»

  

• U.S. Advises Allies Not To Border Russia

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.25.08 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Following Russia's controversial military excursions into neighboring Georgia, the Bush administration made its most direct... more»

• Bush Lets War Widow Punch His Arm Once

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.26.08 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—In an unprecedented gesture of apology, President Bush allowed widow Mary Holt, 32, to punch him once on the left arm Monday as... more»

• FBI Launches Nationwide Manhunt For New Office Manager

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.27.08 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Monday that it will use all of its resources to sweep the nation in an exhaustive... more»

• Cheney To Speak At Republican Convention From Section 109, Row 56, Seat 3

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.27.08 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Vice President Dick Cheney's office announced today that he will speak at the upcoming Republican National Convention in St.... more»

• Report: Turkey Sandwiches An Excellent Source Of Turkey Sandwiches

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.28.08 | News in Brief

  CHICAGO—Turkey sandwiches, long suspected of being a rich source of turkey sandwiches, were found to contain a substantial amount of turkey... more»

• Smiling Now Primarily Used To Communicate Anger

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.29.08 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—The smile, a facial expression traditionally used to convey joy, pleasure, or amusement, is now mainly used to suppress rage,... more»

• Restaurants Struggle To Keep Customers

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.27.08 | Infographic

  The recent bankruptcy of the Bennigan's and Steak & Ale chains is one symptom of the struggle that casual dining establishments are facing... more»

  

• Your Horoscope

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.26.08 | Horoscope

• Most-Coveted Carnival Prizes

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.27.08 | Statshot

  

• McCain Unveils Plan For National Soup Pipeline

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.25.08 | Radio News

• Hundreds Of Musicians Removed From Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame For Drug Use

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.26.08 | Radio News

• New Flavored Fork Adds Taste Of Ham To Every Meal

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.27.08 | Radio News

• Challenging New Iraq War Video Game Will Take 14 Years To Play

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.28.08 | Radio News

• Area Man Always Picked Last For Employment

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.29.08 | Radio News

• God's Gift To Women Returned

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.30.08 | Radio News

• Elderly Man Wages War On Area Pharmacy

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.31.08 | Radio News

• McDonald's To Post Warning Labels On Individual Fries

  ISSUE 44•35 | 09.01.08 | Radio News

• Bob Dylan Digitally Remastered

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.26.08 | News in Photos

  

• America Needs To Have A Superficial Conversation About Race

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.27.08 | Commentary

  The people of America need to put aside their differences and come together on common ground. Especially at this crucial moment in our history.... more»

• Will Barack Obama Overcome His Crippling Fear Of Public Speaking In Time For His Big Speech?

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.28.08 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Our Annual Worst Issue Of The Year Issue

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.29.08 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Editorial Cartoon - August 25, 2008

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.25.08 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Point/Counterpoint: Party! vs. Whoo! Party!

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.27.08 | Point/Counterpoint

  Party! Yeah, man! All right! Can you believe this?! Damn! Dude! Party! What's that? Huh? I can't understand you over the noise... more»

• Hawaii Wins Little League World Series

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.28.08 | Sports News

  WILLIAMSPORT, PA—The Hawaii team, known for its powerful lineup of short, fat Skill 5 hitters, defeated the Mexico team 12-3 in the championship game of the Little League World Series, a four-round, single-player tournament held from 2 p.m.... more»

  

• Stuart Scott's Left Eye Moves To Fox

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.28.08 | Sports News in Brief

  BRISTOL, CT—In a move that came as little surprise to members of the sports media, ESPN anchor Stuart Scott announced Wednesday that his... more»

  

• Guy Who Just Beat You To Bus Stop Usain Bolt

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.28.08 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Eyewitnesses confirm that the unusually quick young man who sprinted past you on the sidewalk this morning carrying a briefcase in... more»

  

• Michael Phelps' Name To Be Mentioned Six Times Following Olympics

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.28.08 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Once the euphoria accompanying his remarkable eight Olympic gold medals subsides later this month, Michael Phelps will be mentioned... more»

  

• 'Inside The Golf Bag' Best Title Ernie Els Could Think Of For Autobiography

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.28.08 | Sports News in Brief

  WENTWORTH, ENGLAND—PGA Tour veteran Ernie Els announced Tuesday that he had settled on the title Inside The Golf Bag for his... more»

  

• Report: Dwyane Wade Left Cell-Phone Charger In China

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.28.08 | Sports News in Brief

  MIAMI—After turning on his cell phone upon landing at the Miami International Airport Monday, Team USA basketball guard and gold medalist... more»

  

• Great Olympic Moments From The Lesser-Known Sports

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.28.08 | Sportsgraphic

  Some of the greatest achievements in Beijing didn't happen on the track or in the pool. Onion Sports looks at notable stories from the less... more»

  

• Chad Pennington

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.28.08 | Strongside/Weakside

  Onion Sports looks at Dolphins starting QB Chad Pennington, a passer much faintly praised for his accuracy. more»

  

• Giants Unveil Strahan Signal

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.28.08 | Photo Finish

  

• Hurricane Bound For Texas Slowed By Large Land Mass To The South

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.25.08 | Newsroom

  Texas residents are relieved that the deadly Category 5 storm just missed them, destroying a horn-shaped land mass south of them instead. more»

  

• Portrayal Of Obama As Elitist Hailed As Step Forward For African Americans

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.27.08 | Newsroom

  Overjoyed civil rights leaders say that Barack Obama has paved the way for future black politicians to be smeared as country club snobs. more»

  

• Obama Picks Biden As VP

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.25.08 | American Voices

  Barack Obama announced via an early-morning text message that Senator Joe Biden will be his running mate. What do you think? more»

• Seinfeld To Revive Microsoft

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.26.08 | American Voices

  In order to revitalize its brand image, Microsoft has hired former sitcom actor Jerry Seinfeld as a spokesman. What do you think? more»

• Moisturizers Cause Cancer In Mice

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.27.08 | American Voices

  Four moisturizers have been found to cause skin cancer in mice. What do you think? more»

• Amish Population Boom

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.28.08 | American Voices

  Over the past 16 years, the U.S. Amish population has nearly doubled. What do you think? more»

• Mugabe Heckled By Parliament

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.29.08 | American Voices

  President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe was loudly derided as a murderer by the Movement for Democratic Change as he opened a meeting of parliament. What... more»

• The Elderly

  ISSUE 44•35 | 08.10.08 | Slideshow

  

• The Legacy Of Dick Cheney

  ISSUE 44•35 | 02.01.09 | Slideshow

  

• Marvin Harmond

  Marvin Harmond, 34, was pronounced legally dead by a judge on Monday. His life insurance will be collected by his sole beneficiary, Harvin Marmond.

  

• According To Jim

  ABC

  8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT

  Jim Belushi's wife, Cheryl, gets pregnant by another man in a desperate attempt to get written off the show.

• Aqua Teen Hunger Force Babies

  Cartoon Network

  8 a.m. EDT/7 a.m. CDT

  Cocktail Meatwad and Sippy Shake accidentally unleash a biblical plague during Carl's second birthday party.

• NBC, 6 p.m.-7 p.m. Saturday

  NBC thanks viewers for their patience and promises absolutely no more Olympics will be shown from this programming block on.

  

• Peanut Butter

  Dear The Onion,

  I accidentally smudged peanut butter on the last frame of Sunday's Hagar The Horrible. What did Helga say to Kvack?

  Bill Georgi, Pensacola, FL

• WEN

  Share prices were up following an announcement by top executives that progress had been made on reanimating founder and longtime spokesman Dave Thomas.

  

• Attractive Woman Receives Hamster Compliments Of Gentlemen On Other Side Of Pet Store

• Jerk Already Knew That

• Child's Boundless Imagination Rewarded With More Identical Cubes Of Wood

• Semi-Lucid Man Makes Fully Lurid Gesture

• MIAMI, FL—Following their 3-2 victory, the Florida Marlins went into the locker room and talked about the pretty girl who was sitting in the front row.

• PARMA, OH—Brian Stern got ready for a date by scouring the backyard for his cleanest pair of Tevas.

• ORLANDO, FL—Hours into her day with two friends at Disney World, Jen Brown finally got the middle spot in a picture.