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Man Succumbs To 7-Year Battle With Health Insurance

• 'Boring,' Hillary Clinton Shouts From Senate Seat

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.24.08 | News

  WASHINGTON—"Whoop-de-doo," stated the former presidential candidate, twirling her right index finger when Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-MA) appeared on the Senate floor. more»

  

• Department Of The Exterior Opens U.S. National Park In Norway

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.26.08 | News

  WASHINGTON—Formed in the mid-1800s, the DOE is dedicated to securing federally protected status for vast tracts of land overseas for use as public property. more»

  

• Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.27.08 | News

  SOMERSET, NJ—"It’s frightening to think I was so close to learning how society works outside the protected sphere of wealth and privilege," said Charles Wentworth. more»

  

• Cash-Strapped NPR Launches 'A Couple Things Considered'

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.22.08 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Facing major cutbacks, National Public Radio has been forced to retool and relaunch its popular program All Things... more»

• McCain Campaign Nabs Top Obama Pun Writer

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.22.08 | News in Brief

  ARLINGTON, VA—In what is being called a major coup for the Republican nominee, the campaign of Sen. John McCain has recruited rival Sen.... more»

  

• Audio Guide Clearly Hates Degas

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.23.08 | News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—According to museumgoers at Los Angeles' Getty Center, an automated audio guide for the 19th-century Impressionism art gallery... more»

• Another Disgusting Operation Proves John McCain Is Healthy

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.23.08 | News in Brief

  SCOTTSDALE, AZ—In an act designed to completely reassure voters about his health, presidential candidate John McCain checked himself into... more»

• Kissinger Instructs Palin On Finer Points Of Clandestine Carpet Bombing

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.24.08 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—In preparation for her debate with Sen. Joe Biden next week, Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin met with seasoned... more»

• Local Extension Cord Blasted For Failing To Reach Outlet

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.24.08 | News in Brief

  STILSON, GA—A local extension cord came under fire Monday when the four-foot length of electrical wiring failed to stretch from the end of... more»

• Nation Secretly Hoping 9/11 Becomes A Day Off Soon

  ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 44•39 | 09.25.08 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—After spending another anniversary of the 2001 terrorist attacks at work, many across the country have begun to secretly hope... more»

• New Debate Rules Allow For One 15-Second Strangulation

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.25.08 | News in Brief

  OXFORD, MS—Amid discussions of possibly postponing the debate altogether, Sens. Barack Obama (D-IL) and John McCain (R-AZ) were able to... more»

• Internet Explorer Makes Desperate Overture To Become Default Browser

  ISSUE 46•52 ISSUE 44•39 | 09.26.08 | News in Brief

  NASHVILLE, TN—After months of futile entreaties to upgrade to its latest version, web browser Internet Explorer made a last-ditch proposal... more»

• Historical Archives: Hy-Genic Apportionment Of Remaining Paper

  ISSUE 44•39 | 10.05.08 | News in Brief

  Hy-Genic apportionment of remaining paper provided for the READER for the dis-infecting, scouring, and purging of the... more»

  

• Historical Archives: Sing Ho! For the KING of Broil'd MEATS

  ISSUE 44•39 | 10.05.08 | News in Brief

  As he doth Celebrate the OPENING for BUS-INESS, an' all related to the COOKING of MEATS upon the FLAME, an' against all known... more»

  

• Historical Archives: John Jameson's Miracle Concoction

  ISSUE 44•39 | 10.05.08 | News in Brief

  A PROVEN SOLUTION FOR: Torpid Innard; Anchorite's Droop; Moth-Bowell; Leadminer's Complaint; Flaccidity of the Tongue;†... more»

  

• Plans For 9/11 Museum Revealed

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.22.08 | Infographic

  After four years of work, architect Craig Dykers has revealed his plans for the 9/11 museum to built on the former site of the World Trade Center. ... more»

  

• Your Horoscope

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.23.08 | Horoscope

• Top Luxury Magazines

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.24.08 | Statshot

  

• City Places Orange Traffic Cones Around Space-Time Portal

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.23.08 | Radio News

• Bakery Held Hostage By Child Picking Out Donuts

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.24.08 | Radio News

• Janis Joplin's Spirit Found Dead Of Another Drug Overdose

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.25.08 | Radio News

• McCain Puts Father-Son Junkyard Business Into Blind Trust

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.26.08 | Radio News

• Nation In Love With Girl From Record Store

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.27.08 | Radio News

• Vast Array Of Lip Balm Options Paralyzes Area Shopper

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.28.08 | Radio News

• Police Ferret Curled Up On Evidence

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.29.08 | Radio News

• Richard Branson Purchases Remainder Of North Pole

  ISSUE 44•39 | 10.02.08 | Radio News

• That Cheesecake Sitting On The Table: What If It Accidentally Fell Into Your Mouth?

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.23.08 | News in Photos

  

• Tim Robbins Tired Of Being Typecast As Relatively Tall Characters

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.24.08 | News in Photos

  

• Bands Don't Ever All Get The Same Haircut Anymore

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.26.08 | Commentary

  There's nothing quite like a rock concert. I remember how exciting it was to sit in a packed stadium, watching four or five young men with... more»

• Why Will No-One Take My Idea For The Tele-Vision Seriously?

  ISSUE 44•39 | 10.05.08 | Commentary

  Ex-Tractus from a Letter, by one Ben'j Franklin, Dilettante, Meddler In Affairs Foreign & Domestick, late of PHILADELPHIA, presently... more»

• Are Staring Contests Prematurely Drying Our Children's Eyes?

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.26.08 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Point/Counterpoint: Gov. Palin Has No Experience vs. Please Keep Your Voice Down, My Poor Retarded Child Is Sleeping

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.24.08 | Point/Counterpoint

  There may be no better word to describe John McCain's vice presidential pick than "ridiculous." After months of criticizing Sen. Obama... more»

• Struggling Mets Combine To Form Carlos Voltron

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.25.08 | Sports News

  NEW YORK—Facing the Cubs in the midst of a three-game losing streak, the desperate Mets sprinted out to the field Tuesday, launched themselves high into the air above Shea Stadium, and combined their bodies to form a 400-foot tall fielding... more»

  

• Mets To Play Brewers In One-Game Choke-Off

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.25.08 | Sports News in Brief

  MILWAUKEE—With both teams collapsing neck and neck, Major League Baseball announced Tuesday that the Mets and Brewers will play a one-game... more»

  

• Lions Owner Claims He Fired Matt Millen Three Years Ago

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.25.08 | Sports News in Brief

  DETROIT—Lions owner William Clay Ford, Sr. expressed consternation and anger Monday upon realizing that Matt Millen had been acting as... more»

  

• Fan Steals Derek Jeter From Yankee Stadium

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.25.08 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Lifelong Yankees fan Martin Stenowitz, 52, became one of many who took home a piece of Yankee Stadium property Sunday night when he... more»

  

• Nationals Not Sure How They Got Run

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.25.08 | Sports News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—During a postgame press conference Saturday in which he registered disappointment at being shut out for the 22nd time this... more»

  

• Packers Offensive Line Proves It Can Stop The Run

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.25.08 | Sports News in Brief

  GREEN BAY, WI—The Green Bay Packers offensive line, which has been criticized this season for its combination of youth and lack of... more»

  

• Lesser-Known Yankee Stadium Moments

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.25.08 | Sportsgraphic

  In its 85 years, Yankee Stadium saw more than its share of history made, but there was more to the Cathedral of Baseball than championships and... more»

  

• Al Davis

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.25.08 | Strongside/Weakside

  Ruthless Raiders owner Al Davis is fascinating for the intensity with which he just doesn't give a damn. more»

  

• Yogi Berra On Final Game At Yankee Stadium: ‘Where Am I?’

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.25.08 | Photo Finish

  

• McCain’s Economic Plan For Nation: 'Everyone Marry A Beer Heiress'

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.22.08 | Newsroom

  McCain pointed to his personal success in marrying a wealthy beer heiress to prove how the plan could benefit every American. more»

  

• Yankees Building New Vacation Stadium In The Hamptons

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.25.08 | OSN Video Vault

  The new facility will be an intimate beachfront stadium where the Yankees can go to get away from the hustle and bustle of New York City. more»

  

• Gov. Palin's E-Mail Hacked

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.22.08 | American Voices

  The son of a Tennessee state representative hacked into Gov. Sarah Palin's Yahoo! e-mail account. What do you think? more»

• Obama Staff Pulled From North Dakota

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.23.08 | American Voices

  The Obama campaign is pulling its 50 staffers from North Dakota in order to deploy them in the battleground states of Wisconsin and Minnesota. What... more»

• Equal Opportunity Supporters Paid Less

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.24.08 | American Voices

  A new study shows that men who adhere to a traditional mind-set about gender roles are paid more than men who are more egalitarian. What do... more»

• Palin Meets First Foreign Leaders

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.25.08 | American Voices

  Vice presidential candidate Gov. Sarah Palin met with a series of world leaders as a sort of crash course on foreign policy. What do you... more»

• New Moore Doc Released On Internet

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.26.08 | American Voices

  Slacker Uprising, filmmaker Michael Moore's new documentary about his 2004 tour, was released for free on the Internet on Tuesday. What do... more»

• The Bush White House

  ISSUE 44•39 | 09.30.08 | Slideshow

  

• pouring_rain

  Slather on the rainscreen

• Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

  ABC

  12:30 p.m. EDT/11:30 a.m. CDT

  In a last-ditch effort to revive the stale, 10-year-old game show, producers allow contestants to "phone-someone-who-knows-the-answer."

• ESPN Classic

  8 p.m.–9 p.m. Friday

  Middle-school friends Anthony and Brian play as the Cowboys and Broncos in one of the most memorable games of NFL GameDay 98 for the PlayStation.

  

• Finance Article

  Dear The Onion,

  The articles in your Finance section are too complicated. From now on, could you instruct your journalists to use more hockey metaphors so that I know what's going on?

  Andrew Horesh, St. Paul, MN

• Grammar Police Accused Of Racial Profiling

• Everyone In Bar Hates Bar

• Homecoming Date Greeted With Slide Down Banister

• Thirty Seconds Put On The Clock

• JOD

  Shares in this adventure tourism company fell sharply after a rainy spell sent many prospective customers inside to see if there was any nudity on television.

  

• STOCKTON, CA—Bruising an elbow and bloodying a nose, 12-year-old Amy Hines' buckwheat pillow clearly won an impromptu slumber party pillow fight.

• NISLAND, SD—A local grazing antelope thought he heard something—no, it was just the wind...no—something!

• SOUTHAMPTON, NY—After a brief and harried search for his monocle, T. Alfred Bainbridge IV, 62, found it dangling from his own waistcoat.