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Struggling Americans Forced To Work Extra-Dimensional 4th Shift

• Bush: 'Can I Stop Being President Now?'

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.04.08 | News

  WASHINGTON—In a press conference held this morning on the White House lawn, President Bush formally asked the assembled press corps and members of his own administration if, in light of today's election, he could stop being the... more»

  

• KLEMKE WINS!

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.04.08 | News

  WICHITA, KS—Democrat Alan Klemke Becomes Wichita's 4th District Alderman. more»

  

• Nation Finally Shitty Enough To Make Social Progress

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.05.08 | News

  WASHINGTON—President-elect Barack Obama did very well among women and young voters, who were most sensitive to the current climate of everything being fucked. more»

  

• Peregrine Falcon Acting Pretty Cocky Since Being Taken Off Endangered Species List

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.07.08 | News

  WASHINGTON—"We feared we'd never see these majestic creatures again, but since their resurgence they've been acting like 'king shit'," said Wildlife Deputy Rowan Gould. more»

  

• Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.08.08 | News

  MENA, AR—Envisioning his parents, a warm blanket, and hot chocolate, a delirious Joshua Meyers mumbled, "It's over!" through the filthy sock stuffed in his mouth. more»

  

• Bush Asks Advice For This Friend Of His Who Invaded Iraq

  ISSUE 47•52 ISSUE 44•45 | 11.03.08 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush has reportedly been soliciting advice from White House aides for a friend of his who ordered military... more»

• McCain Refusing To Tell Voters What's In Box Unless Elected

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.03.08 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON–With just one day before voters head to the polls, presidential candidate John McCain told the American people Monday that,... more»

• Magical Voting Booth Transforms Clearheaded Americans Into Reactionist Morons

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.04.08 | News in Brief

  DENVER—A voting booth stationed at the fifth district municipal center in Denver possesses the otherworldly power to transform rational... more»

• Republican Party, Average Working Joe Bid One Another Adieu Until 2012

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.04.08 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—As the 2008 presidential campaign came to a close Tuesday, the Republican Party and the average American hard working Joe bid... more»

• Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.05.08 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected... more»

• Hillary Clinton Resumes Attacking Obama

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.05.08 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Less than 20 minutes after Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of the United States, New York senator Hillary Clinton... more»

• McCain Gets Hammered At Local VFW

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.05.08 | News in Brief

  PHOENIX—After conceding defeat in the 2008 presidential election, former Republican candidate John McCain reportedly got completely hammered... more»

• Circular Editor Makes Last-Minute Call To Run Fabric Softener As Top Coupon

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.07.08 | News in Brief

  MONTVALE. NJ—In a crucial, 11th-hour decision for one of the tristate area's largest weekly bargain supplements, Pathmark circular editor in... more»

• OS X Snow Leopard vs. Windows 7

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.05.08 | Infographic

  Microsoft announced it will be releasing a new edition of its operating software, called Windows 7, while Apple is working on its new OS X Snow... more»

  

• Your Horoscope

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.04.08 | Horoscope

• What Are We Canning?

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.05.08 | Statshot

  

• Millions Of Voters Refuse To Exit Polls

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.04.08 | Radio News

• Bag Of Chips Explodes On Its Own

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.05.08 | Radio News

• Laser Light Show Panned By Laserati

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.06.08 | Radio News

• Dead Whale Buried In Aquarium's Backyard

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.07.08 | Radio News

• God Returns From 2-Millennium-Long Vacation

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.08.08 | Radio News

• Romantic Hostage Negotiator Offers Bank Robbers Moon And Stars

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.09.08 | Radio News

• Area Man Traces Bad Eating Habits Back 6 Generations

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.10.08 | Radio News

• Old Little League Trophy Stared At

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.04.08 | News in Photos

  

• Big Ben Set 15 Minutes Ahead To Give London A Little Extra Time In The Morning

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.05.08 | News in Photos

  

• Who's Gonna Hallo-wean My Kids Off All This Candy?

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.06.08 | Commentary

  I've got a little joke for you, loyal readers. Now, I know what you're all thinking: "A joke in your column, Roger? Why, it's going to be lonelier... more»

• As An Older World's Strongest Man, There Are Certain Trucks I Can't Pull Anymore

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.06.08 | Commentary

  Aging is tough. The hardest part for me has been coming to grips with the fact that some of the physical abilities I took for granted when I was... more»

• This Man Will Stop At Nothing To Teach You Guitar

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.07.08 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Editorial Cartoon - November 3, 2008

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.03.08 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Kobe Bryant Scores 25 In Holy Shit We Elected A Black President

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.06.08 | Sports News

  LOS ANGELES—Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant had a typically solid performance from the field last night, scoring 25 points to propel his team to a holy shit, it's hard to believe these words are even gracing this page, but on Tuesday,... more»

  

• Bobby Simmons Under Impression Nets Are Entering The Bobby Simmons Era

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.06.08 | Sports News in Brief

  EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Following his trade from Milwaukee, small forward Bobby Simmons, who averaged 7.6 points per game in 2007–08 and... more»

  

• Brooks Bollinger Best Option At Quarterback For NFL Team

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.06.08 | Sports News in Brief

  DALLAS—Brooks Bollinger, a journeyman third-stringer whose career has found him occupying roster spots behind backups Vinny Testaverde,... more»

  

• Cory Matthews, Mr. Feeny Share Joyous Moment Following Phillies World Series Victory

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.06.08 | Sports News in Brief

  PHILADELPHIA—Lifetime Phillies fans Cory Matthews, 27, and his former next-door neighbor, educator, and longtime friend, Mr. Feeny,... more»

  

• Lee Corso Starting To Feel Weird At College Parties

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.06.08 | Sports News in Brief

  BATON ROUGE, LA—In town with College GameDay for a matchup between No. 1 Alabama and No. 15 LSU, 72-year-old Lee Corso felt awkward... more»

  

• Perkins Management Disappointed To See Daunte Culpepper Leave So Soon

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.06.08 | Sports News in Brief

  ORLANDO, FL—Day manager Gary Campbell of the Perkins restaurant on Conroy Road thanked Daunte Culpepper for his tireless effort, leadership... more»

  

• The Cowboys Collapse

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.06.08 | Sportsgraphic

  They were a favorite preseason Super Bowl pick, but Dallas is stumbling at the halfway point. What exactly went wrong? more»

  

• Lewis Hamilton

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.06.08 | Strongside/Weakside

  Hamilton is the first black driver to win a major racing championship, easily the second-most inspiring thing to happen this week. more»

  

• Leather-Jacketed, Sunglasses-Wearing Rex Grossman: "There's A New Rex In Town"

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.06.08 | Photo Finish

  

• Voting Machines Elect One Of Their Own As President

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.04.08 | Newsroom

  Voting machine DRE700 came out of nowhere to defeat Barack Obama and John McCain and become the first machine president. more»

  

• Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.05.08 | Newsroom

  The revelation that Obama's candidacy was the only thing that gave their lives any meaning has caused many supporters to wander aimlessly. more»

  

• Jackson 5 To Reunite

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.03.08 | American Voices

  Jermaine Jackson announced that the Jackson 5 is reuniting for a tour in 2009. What do you think? more»

• Long Lines Anticipated At Polls

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.04.08 | American Voices

  Despite early voting, some are expecting a record turnout and long lines at polling places Tuesday. What do you think? more»

• Auto Sales Hit 25-Year Low

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.05.08 | American Voices

  In the face of a weakening economy, U.S. auto sales fell to their lowest level since 1983. What do you think? more»

• Study: Autism Linked To Rainfall

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.06.08 | American Voices

  A study from Cornell University has found a correlation between higher levels of precipitation and incidences of autism. What do you think? more»

• 'Jurassic Park' Author Dies

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.07.08 | American Voices

  Michael Crichton, author of Jurassic Park, Congo, and The Andromeda Strain, died Tuesday at 66. What do you think? more»

• The Animal Kingdom

  ISSUE 44•45 | 11.10.08 | Slideshow

  

• Politics 2008 In Review

  ISSUE 44•45 | 12.17.08 | Slideshow

  

• freezing

  Pre-winter bone-chilling cold

• FOX-TN, 9 p.m.–11:30 p.m.

  Saturday

  Tonight's Nashville Predators broadcast will be preempted in favor of a spinning Tennessee Titans logo.

  

• Guy With Huge Head Not Even Smart

• Only In New York,' Says Man Being Mugged By Stanley Tucci At Top Of Empire State Building

• Photos Used In Retirement Party Slide Show Mostly Taken During Last Two Weeks

• Buddy Vouched For

• Kraft Foods Inc.

  The company reported record sales of its saltine cracker packets to cafeterias and diners as rising numbers of destitute retirees wander in and fill their pockets.

  

• CHEYENNE, WY—The soda machine at the Motel 6 is completely out of Dr Pepper.

• TUSCON, AZ—To throw INS agents off his trail, illegal immigrant Jose Cordero has begun walking around in full Uncle Sam attire.

• NEW YORK CITY—Twenty-nine-year-old day trader Jim Santangelli's sarcastic AIM away message sends stocks plummeting around the globe.