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26-Year-Old To See Every Asshole He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving

• Blue Angels Hold First-Ever Open Tryouts

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.25.08 | News

  PENSACOLA, FL—With would-be pilots lining up by the thousands and crowds predicted to grow larger everyday, the excitement and death toll are both expected to rise. more»

  

• Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think

  ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 44•48 | 11.28.08 | News

  CHICAGO—Subjects who drank five glasses or more showed an increased ability to recall each time their mothers had been unsupportive of boyfriends or husbands. more»

  

• Area Man Holding Out Until Next Exit For Better Fast Food Options

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.29.08 | News

  ERIE, PA—"I think I want Wendy's," Don Turnbee told reporters. "There hasn't been a Wendy's in a while so there will probably be one in a couple of exits." more»

  

• Woman Profoundly Moved By Lyrics Artist Put Zero Time Or Effort Into

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.24.08 | News in Brief

  FALLS CHURCH, VA—Real estate agent Linda Vandermood was moved to the depths of her being Tuesday by the lyrics of James Blunt's adult... more»

• GM Covered With Giant Tarp Until It Has Money To Work On Cars Again

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.25.08 | News in Brief

  DETROIT—The General Motors Corporation announced Monday that it has covered its main production plant with a 500,000-square-foot blue tarp... more»

• Area Man Shocked To See His Elementary School Has A Website

  ISSUE 46•52 ISSUE 44•48 | 11.26.08 | News in Brief

  LAREDO, TX—After using an Internet search engine in an attempt to find information on a former classmate, local resident Matthew Orman, 25,... more»

• Man With Apple Hovering In Front Of Face Sues René Magritte's Estate

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.27.08 | News in Brief

  TACOMA, WA—Michael Renfro, a 68-year-old retired CPA with an apple hovering in front of his face, announced Monday that he has filed a $15... more»

  

• Bush Passes Three-Pound Kidney Stone

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.28.08 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—President Bush collapsed in the Oval Office after spontaneously expelling a 3-pound kidney stone from his bladder, sources... more»

• Auto Industry Crisis

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.26.08 | Infographic

  The big three American automobile manufacturers spent much of last week lobbying Congress for a portion of the economic bailout, lest they go... more»

  

• Your Horoscope

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.25.08 | Horoscope

• Least-Cited Supreme Court Cases

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.26.08 | Statshot

  

• Inner-City Stabbing Leaves Five Maidless

  ISSUE 44•48 | 07.23.06 | Radio News

• Congress Lowers Killing Age To 19

  ISSUE 44•48 | 12.24.06 | Radio News

• Neighbors Remember Serial Killer As Serial Killer

  ISSUE 44•48 | 02.24.07 | Radio News

• FBI Discontinues Witness-Protection Parade

  ISSUE 44•48 | 04.24.07 | Radio News

• DEA Accepts Record $280 Million Drug Bribe

  ISSUE 44•48 | 05.24.07 | Radio News

• American Bar Association Recalls 230,000 Defective Lawyers

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.25.08 | Radio News

• Vice President Cheney Burns Down White House Aviary

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.26.08 | Radio News

• Area Man Sneaks Own Balloon Into Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.27.08 | Radio News

• Wal-Mart's Prices Undercut By Wal-Mart Dumpster

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.28.08 | Radio News

• Childless Couple Seriously Thinking About Abducting

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.29.08 | Radio News

• Highest Blender Setting Successfully Drowns Out Jamba Juice Employee

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.30.08 | Radio News

• Technical Preschool Teaches Welding To Kids

  ISSUE 44•48 | 12.01.08 | Radio News

• Gordon Ramsay Berates Spoon For 45 Minutes

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.25.08 | News in Photos

  

• Unemployed Man Photoshops Self Into Former Company’s Staff Photo

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.26.08 | News in Photos

  

• Well, That Sunset Sucked

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.26.08 | Commentary

  For our 10th anniversary, I wanted to pull off a grand romantic gesture that would remind my wife that she's more than my friend—she's the... more»

• Would Anyone Notice If We Started Endorsing Eugenics?

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.28.08 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Ask A Guy Who Knows A Little Bit About Dealing With These Lawyer Types

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.26.08 | Advice

  Dear Guy Who Knows A Little Bit About Dealing With These Lawyer Types, Christmas is coming up, and once again, I'm at a total... more»

• Editorial Cartoon - November 24, 2008

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.24.08 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• That One Kid In Rec Basketball League Always Wearing Jeans During Games

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.27.08 | Sports News

  CARMICHAELS, PA—Sources confirmed yesterday that the kid in the Carmichaels YMCA youth basketball league, the one who plays for the team in yellow jerseys sponsored by Grimaldi Dental Associates, played another game Tuesday wearing blue... more»

  

• Sports Community Mourns Death Of Old Bald White Man With Glasses

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.27.08 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Coaches, current and former players, reporters, and a variety of prominent figures in the sports community gathered Wednesday to... more»

  

• Marc Bulger Visits Local Barnes & Noble For Touchdown Ideas

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.27.08 | Sports News in Brief

  LADUE, MO—After struggling and looking stale in his last few starts, Rams quarterback Marc Bulger paid a visit to the Barnes &#amp; Noble... more»

  

• Rookie Running Back Can't Break Habit Of Saying 'Thank You' During Handoffs

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.27.08 | Sports News in Brief

  CHICAGO—Despite Matt Forte's remarkably strong rookie year thus far, Bears coaches are concerned that their running back's progress may be... more»

  

• Cubs, Absence From World Series Agree To 4-Year Extension

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.27.08 | Sports News in Brief

  CHICAGO—At a press conference Wednesday, the Chicago Cubs and their absence from the World Series announced an agreement to a four-year... more»

  

• Report: Planes Just As Afraid Of John Madden

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.27.08 | Sports News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—The Federal Aviation Administration stated Wednesday that, according to all available evidence, airplanes are just as afraid of... more»

  

• NASCAR's Environmentally Friendly Future

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.27.08 | Sportsgraphic

  As the trend towards ecological awareness continues, we look at how stock car racing is responding to an increasingly greener... more»

  

• Joe Buck

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.27.08 | Strongside/Weakside

  He's become one of the most popular and ubiquitous announcers in sports. But is he any good? more»

  

• NHL Player Tunnels Out Of Penalty Box

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.27.08 | Photo Finish

  

• In Thanksgiving Tradition, Bush Pardons Scooter Libby In Giant Turkey Costume

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.24.08 | Newsroom

  The pardon assures that Libby will not face any more repercussions for his role in the Valerie Plame scandal or be eaten on Thanksgiving. more»

  

• USDA Official Takes Courageous Stand Against Interstate Countercyclical Potato Pricing

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.27.08 | O-SPAN

  A deputy assistant at the Department of Agriculture speaks truth to power, condemning proposed changes in Idaho's potato output pricing structure. more»

  

• Sword-Wielding Man Shot At Scientology Building

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.25.08 | American Voices

  A security guard shot and killed a man who approached the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood waving two samurai swords. What do you... more»

• Colmes Leaves 'Hannity & Colmes'

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.26.08 | American Voices

  Alan Colmes, the longtime liberal cohost of the Fox News program Hannity &#amp; Colmes, will leave at the end of the year. What do you... more»

• Americans Thankful This Thanksgiving

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.27.08 | American Voices

  What are you thankful for this year? more»

• New Genetic Links To Baldness Found

  ISSUE 44•48 | 11.28.08 | American Voices

  A new report in the journal Nature Genetics points to genetic markers for baldness that could be screened for. What do you think? more»

• smoggy

  Unnamed comet passing Earth tonight. Send ideas to comet@nasa.gov

• Cancer

  Before succumbing to cancer, Catherine Capellaro was able to fulfill her lifelong dream of having everyone feel sorry for her.

  

• Connecticopulation

  Showtime

  10:30 p.m. EST/9:30 p.m. CST

  Running with a proven formula, Showtime unveils this steamy dramedy about a troubled insurance underwriter and his struggles with love, sex, and drugs in the hedonistic Hartford metro area.

• Bayfield Theater Guild

  Dear The Onion,

  Bayfield Theater Guild has done it again!

  S. Spengel, Bayfield, CO

• Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations

  Travel

  10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST

  Bad-boy chef Anthony Bourdain finally runs out of new places to eat and hits up Ruby Tuesday in Canton, OH.

• ESPN2, 9 p.m.–10 p.m.

    Friday

  As there is no match scheduled for Friday Night Fights this week, the show will air YouTube clips of random people getting punched in the face.

  

• Undeveloped

  Dear The Onion,

  The person who delivered my paper this morning looked underdeveloped—his body stuck somewhere between childhood and maturity. Please hire a more complete human to do your bidding.

  Reginald Crusoe, Greenwich, CT

• Hallmark

  Shares of the greeting card company rose rapidly at news that, in addition to the pending holiday season approaching, shitloads of birthdays were coming up.

  

• Paint Store Practically Giving Away Blue

• All Kidding Aside, Area Man Really Needs Counseling

• Ghost Of Thanksgiving Future Shows Man Passed Out On Couch

• Pervert Thinks You Seem Tense

• NAPERVILLE, IL—David "The Human Calculator" Strauss already knew two movie tickets would be $22.00 before he was told so by the cashier.

• SACRAMENTO, CA—Enthusiasm for new hire Kim Lambert's feathered dress began to fade as soon as new coworkers also noticed her elaborate bird tattoos.

• PENDLETON, OR—It's not easy for 24-year-old Andrew Laybourn to be the only person in town who's seen This Is Spinal Tap, but somehow, he makes it through the day.