Issue 4449 - 12.01.2008 | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

American Airlines Now Charging Fees To Non-Passengers

FORTH WORTH, TX—"Watching television at home cost me $250 dollars last night," said Michael Peterson, one of many Americans forced to pay high airline costs.

…

Long-Standing Conflict Ends As Israel Returns Lawn Mower To Palestine

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.03.08 | News

JERUSALEM—"Sure it belches smoke and has no grass-clipping bag but that's not the point—if you borrow something you return it," said diplomat Dr. Sayid Al-Habib. more»
Shitload Of Math Due Monday

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.05.08 | News

OLD BRIDGE, NJ—Students dreaded spending all day Sunday with some retarded math book, especially one that doesn't have any of the freaking answers in the back. more»
Area Woman Wouldn't Mind Feeding Your Cats

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.06.08 | News

HARTFORD, CT—"It's really no hassle," Sarah Dobbs, 44, said. "If you're gone and need someone to drop in on them, I'd be happy to do it. I'm just glad to help." more»
Department-Store Santa Told To Push Chinaware

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.01.08 | News in Brief

UTICA, NY—Art Schultz, better known as the Senpike Mall's Santa Claus, carried out the management-issued directive to push fine china... more»
T-Shirt Machine Gun To Change The Face Of Promotional Warfare

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.02.08 | News in Brief

LANGLEY, VA—Engineers at the Fun Gun Air Cannon Co. announced Tuesday that initial field tests of the TG-71 Rapid-Fire T-shirt Delivery... more»
U.S. Economy Continues Campaigning For Barack Obama

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.02.08 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Nearly a month after Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of the United States, the nation's economy is still going strong... more»
Twenty Minutes Spent Making Tuna Fish Palatable

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.03.08 | News in Brief

PERRY, NY—Local resident Gary Ingram, 28, spent more than a quarter of an hour transforming a wet, grayish pile of canned tuna fish into... more»
Bush Dragged Behind Presidential Motorcade For 26 Blocks

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.04.08 | News in Brief

KANSAS CITY, MO—President Bush sustained serious head injuries, massive internal bleeding, and a broken left leg Monday morning after being... more»
Bill Clinton Agrees To Disclose Guacamole Recipe

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.04.08 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—In a major stride toward increased transparency of former presidents' culinary activities, Bill Clinton agreed Monday to disclose... more»
Moving To New City To Solve All Of Area Man's Problems

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.05.08 | News in Brief

ATLANTA—All of area resident Brian Shepard's problems, including his fear of commitment, lack of personal direction, and inability to learn... more»
Carbon Footprint Reduction Services

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.03.08 | Infographic

There are numerous services that allow you to pay into a fund offset your carbon footprint. But how does it actually work? more»
Your Horoscope

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.02.08 | Horoscope
Why Were We Escorted From The Premises?

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.03.08 | Statshot
Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules

ISSUE 44•49 | 11.02.06 | Radio News
Supreme Court To Break Up If Rehnquist Leaves

ISSUE 44•49 | 05.02.07 | Radio News
Supreme Court Makes Pact To Lose Virginity By End Of Year

ISSUE 44•49 | 07.02.07 | Radio News
Supreme Court Gets Free Box Of Shoes After Mentioning Nike In Ruling

ISSUE 44•49 | 11.02.07 | Radio News
Supreme Court Rules Tennesseans Are Sentient Beings

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.02.07 | Radio News
Supreme Court Overturns Car

ISSUE 44•49 | 06.02.08 | Radio News
Jesus Returns To Give Consumers Christmas Pep Talk

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.02.08 | Radio News
Department Of Justice Adds Mounted Prosecutors

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.03.08 | Radio News
Grape-Flavored Vodka Makes Vodka-Time More Fun

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.04.08 | Radio News
Heroic Shark Eats Child-Molesting Surfer

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.05.08 | Radio News
White House Séance Fails To Contact Spirit Of Ronald Reagan

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.06.08 | Radio News
Faith-Based TV-Repair Shop Severely Backed Up

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.07.08 | Radio News
Local Man Buys Ford Focus Just To Use Dealer's Men's Room

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.08.08 | Radio News
Beloved Showbiz Legend And National Treasure Michael Douglas Actually None Of These Things

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.02.08 | News in Photos
Dip Good

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.03.08 | News in Photos
I'm Really Gonna Miss Systematically Destroying This Place

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.01.08 | Commentary

Oh, America. Eight years went by so fast, didn't they? I feel like I hardly got to know you and methodically undermine everything you once stood... more»
Why Don't They Make A Second 'Godfather' Movie?

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.03.08 | Commentary

As a bona fide movie buff, it pains me to see the drivel that Hollywood churns out nowadays. Every week it's another lamebrained action flick or... more»
Things For Your Sister That Look Like They Might Cost $75 But Are Actually Promotional Items For OpeningCredit Cards

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.05.08 | Sunday Magazine
Editorial Cartoon - December 1, 2008

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.01.08 | Editorial Cartoon
NFL Goes On Nationwide Crime Spree As Plaxico Burress Creates Diversion

ISSUE 44•52 ISSUE 44•51 ISSUE 44•49 | 12.04.08 | Sports News

NEW YORK—NFL players were quick to capitalize on the distraction Plaxico Burress created by shooting himself at a Manhattan nightclub last weekend, embarking on a crime spree that has claimed an estimated 300 lives and inflicted more than... more»
Romeo Crennel Upset With Team's Offense And That Nestle Crunch Bars No Longer Come Wrapped In Foil

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.04.08 | Sports News in Brief

CLEVELAND—At his usual press conference Monday, Browns coach Romeo Crennel expressed disappointment in his offense's poor effort and... more»
Jason Kidd Describes Feeling 'Unsafe In Own Arena' After Getting Basketball Stolen

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.04.08 | Sports News in Brief

DALLAS—A distressed and visibly shaken Jason Kidd addressed the Mavericks Tuesday to admit that he no longer felt safe in his own home court... more»
Seattle's Disastrous Sports Year Continues With Addition Of Major League Soccer Team

ISSUE 44•52 ISSUE 44•51 ISSUE 44•49 | 12.04.08 | Sports News in Brief

SEATTLE—After witnessing its baseball team finish in last place, its NFL team break its streak of five straight playoff appearances, and its... more»
Charlie Weis Called Before Christ To Discuss Future With Notre Dame

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.04.08 | Sports News in Brief

SOUTH BEND, IN—Jesus Christ, the Son of God and president of Notre Dame football's Booster Club, announced yesterday that head coach Charlie... more»
Evander Holyfield Claims His Quest For Severe Brain Damage Keeps Him Fighting

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.04.08 | Sports News in Brief

ATLANTA—Forty-six-year-old heavyweight boxer Evander Holyfield, who has taken hundreds of blows to the head in a career spanning more than... more»
Athletes And Guns

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.04.08 | Sportsgraphic

The recent Plaxico Burress incident is only the latest chapter in a long and unhealthy relationship between sports and firearms. Here are some of... more»
Kurt Warner

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.04.08 | Strongside/Weakside

The Cardinals' 37-year-old QB is experiencing yet another brilliant resurgence. Is he any good? more»
Pope Puts On Rally Mitre

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.04.08 | Photo Finish
NASA Simulator Prepares Astronauts For Rigors Of An Interview With Larry King

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.01.08 | Today Now!

NASA instructors offer a firsthand look at the training astronauts endure before they can withstand an appearance on Larry King Live. more»
Junk E-Mail Falls By Two-Thirds

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.01.08 | American Voices

The amount of spam sent and received dropped last week to 60 billion messages a day—a decrease of 66 percent—after a Web hosting company... more»
Cancer Rate Declines For First Time

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.02.08 | American Voices

For the first time since statistics on the disease have been tracked, the cancer rate in the United States has declined. What do you think? more»
Recession Actually Started Last Year

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.03.08 | American Voices

The National Bureau of Economic Research announced that we are in an economic recession that began in December of last year. What do you... more»
Capitol Visitor Center Finally Opens

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.04.08 | American Voices

Three years late and nearly $360 million over budget, the Capitol Visitor Center is finally open in Washington, D.C. What do you think? more»
Trampled Wal-Mart Employee's Family Sues Company

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.05.08 | American Voices

The family of 34-year-old Jdimytai Damour is suing Wal-Mart for creating the unsafe atmosphere in which he was trampled to death by a crowd of... more»
The Week In Review

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.01.08 | Slideshow
cold

Colder'n It Aughta'be
Topper

Kyle Withers and Danielle Ehlert got married Saturday, despite looking nothing like their wedding cake topper.
Bobby's

In last week's article about small business, The Onion incorrectly identified the cashier at Bobby's Furniture Warehouse. It doesn't matter anymore, as he died in a car crash yesterday.
Your Fifth-Grade Dance Recital

TBS

7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST

Where they got the tape is unclear, but this is definitely home video footage of the 1991 recital in which you, dressed in an orange leotard and cat ears, perform a self-choreographed jazz-tap routine to Paula Abdul's "Opposites Attract."
The Show You'd Rather Watch Than 'Meet The Press'

SPIKE

9 a.m. EST/8 a.m. CST

It's got animals in people clothes, blurred-out nudity, and absolutely no mention of legislative earmarks.
ESPN.com
Tuesday, 12 p.m.
As a followup to the pseudo-reality comedy series Mayne Street, ESPN introduces Planet Berman, a sci-fi thriller staring Chris Berman as a forensic scientist for aliens.
Money Maker

A recent how-to piece, "Shake Your Money Maker," should have specified that by "money maker" we meant ass. The Onion apologizes for any confusion.
Sports Authority

Shares of this athletic supplies retailer dropped as today's young people continued to lose respect for all forms of authority.
Habit Kicked, Begged For Forgiveness, Drawn Closer
Car Windows Rolled Down To Let Out Shitty Music
Wedding Objected To From Exactly 100 Feet Away From Bride
Father Discovers Yahtzee Dice He Thought He Asked Someone To Put Away
AUGUSTA, ME—After three false starts, 28-year-old bank teller Randy Myers finally nailed the punch line to a bawdy joke he was telling his coworkers.
MEMPHIS, TN—Tragedy struck when Gregory Watkins, the fattest man east of the Mississippi, tried to become the fattest man west of the Mississippi.
LARAMIE, WY—Dennis Dotson, 8, isn't supposed to hang out with Jerry Kent, 9, any more because Jerry is a rotten little bastard.

cold

Topper

Bobby's

Your Fifth-Grade Dance Recital

The Show You'd Rather Watch Than 'Meet The Press'

ESPN.com Tuesday, 12 p.m. As a followup to the pseudo-reality comedy series Mayne Street, ESPN introduces Planet Berman, a sci-fi thriller staring Chris Berman as a forensic scientist for aliens.

Money Maker

Sports Authority

Habit Kicked, Begged For Forgiveness, Drawn Closer

Car Windows Rolled Down To Let Out Shitty Music

Wedding Objected To From Exactly 100 Feet Away From Bride

Father Discovers Yahtzee Dice He Thought He Asked Someone To Put Away

AUGUSTA, ME—After three false starts, 28-year-old bank teller Randy Myers finally nailed the punch line to a bawdy joke he was telling his coworkers.

MEMPHIS, TN—Tragedy struck when Gregory Watkins, the fattest man east of the Mississippi, tried to become the fattest man west of the Mississippi.

LARAMIE, WY—Dennis Dotson, 8, isn't supposed to hang out with Jerry Kent, 9, any more because Jerry is a rotten little bastard.

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ESPN.com
Tuesday, 12 p.m.
As a followup to the pseudo-reality comedy series Mayne Street, ESPN introduces Planet Berman, a sci-fi thriller staring Chris Berman as a forensic scientist for aliens.