MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Executives at Google, the rapidly growing online-search company that promises to "organize the world's information," announced Monday the latest step in their expansion effort: a far-reaching plan to destroy all the information it is unable to index.
BOZEMAN, MTThe few people close to Mitch Delomme say that he doesn't realize the implications of his new podcast, an agonizingly personal 40-minute digitally recorded capsule of news, information, and trivia about the chronically lonely pizza-delivery man. "I wanted to share something about myself," said Delomme, 48, who in the course of his life has been heavily involved in ham and CB radio, personal home-page construction, and participation in late-night community-access cable. Delomme's podcast is currently available on all major subscription links, where it has attracted no attention.
ANN ARBOR, MI—After calling the device "the item single-handedly responsible for the erosion of our nation's social and cultural foundation" for close to a decade, Jason Whiting gave in to social pressures this weekend and bought a cell phone.
VENTURA, CA—A third-generation, 30-GB iPod, serial number AP356372, died early Monday morning at age 2. "I'll never forget all the great music it used to play during my workouts," said the late iPod's owner Sarah Zartman at a brief memorial held over the junk drawer. "It was convenient, portable, and really pricey—almost $500." Zartman said that, had she known the iPod's lithium-ion battery would have such a short lifespan, she might have spent more time listening to it. AP356372 is survived by a BlackBerry.
OLYMPIA, WA—Recent Gmail convert William Ramsak, 23, said Monday that his "heart goes out to" friend Kelly Oldenburg, who still sends e-mail through an MSN Hotmail account. "I feel so bad for you, needing to squeeze into 250 MB of storage space," Ramsak wrote to Oldenburg in an e-mail. "And I hate thinking of you sorting all your old e-mail, while Gmail automatically indexes mine so they are searchable." Ramsak then asked Oldenburg when he was going to "stop being a Microstooge and join Team G."
THOUSAND OAKS, CAInternet user Paula Challey was insulted by the simplicity of a quiz that popped up on her computer desktop Monday. "I mean, come onit offers me a prize if I can identify whether a picture is of Britney Spears, Madonna, or Paris Hilton," Challey said. "I'm a college graduate, for Christ's sake. Give me a real challenge! If these quizzes are this easy, I don't see the point in them." Challey then moved to the more formidable task of using her mouse to shoot an animated duck for the chance to win $100.
JACKSONVILLE, FLThe unrequited nature of area nerd June Manzo's crush on actor Peter Tuddenham, who provides the voice of piloting computer Slave on Blake's 7, is only slightly more agonizing than the process of explanation she must put herself through every time her media obsession is discussed. "He has this slightly sinister but dynamic way of speaking on the show, particularly in the 'Headhunter' episode," Manzo said, painstakingly describing Tuddenham to fellow science-fiction fan Bradley Preakniss. "When I hear his voice congratulating Avon on his 'consummate skill,' I just get shivers... Doesn't that ring a bell? No? Not at all?" Manzo's crush is surpassed in geekiness and obscurity only by that of Denver's Demitri Ostrow, who has a long-harbored passion for author Neil Gaiman's "fabulous" assistant Lorraine.
APALACHICOLA, FLCatherine Polk, 24, died at a local Starbucks Monday afternoon, due to complications resulting from the tragic loss of her cell phone. "It was horribleCathy didn't have any of her numbers written down anywhere else, and she was waiting on a call about last-minute tickets for a concert," said best friend Melissa Barreth, who was with Polk when she first discovered that her Cingular V400 quad band/GSM cell phone was not in her purse. "We tried everything to find it, but in the end, there was nothing we could do." The coroner's report confirmed that Polk died of a sudden lack of wireless service.
NEW YORK—Fidelity Financial Services' Gwen Watson, 33, shouted angrily at her IBM ViaVoice Pro USB voice-recognition software, sources close to the human-resources administrator reported Monday. "No, not Gary Friedman! Barry Friedman, you stupid computer. BARRY!" Watson was heard to scream from her cubicle. "Jesus Christ, I could've typed it in a hundredth of the time." After another minute of yelling, Watson was further incensed upon looking at her screen, which read, "Barely Freedman you God ram plucking pizza ship."
I'm sure you've seen a lot of tech-savvy people smugly showing off that new hunk of entertainment hardware, the iPod personal stereo. Well, I might not have the scratch to get one, but frankly, I don't want the white-corded wonder. I have my very own iPod—in my mind.
To the people at Sexxxotika.com, let me begin by saying that I thoroughly enjoy your pornographic web site. I have been a paying member since September, and since then have reveled in the graphic images of female nudity and hardcore sex. But I'm afraid this week your site went too far.
I've heard the stereotypes about Java programmers being uptight nerds who don't know how to cut loose. Well, that's about as far from the truth as Enterprise is from Gene Roddenberry's original vision.
REDMOND, WA— Eleven months after purchasing the Radiohead album, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced Monday that he is "finally getting into Kid A." "I listened to it a few times when I first got it, but it just wasn't grabbing me," Gates told The Seattle Post-Intelligencer. "I liked 'Morning Bell' and 'Optimistic,' but the rest just seemed like this intentionally weird mess. Then I took it out again maybe a month ago, and it finally started to sink in. Now I think I even like it better than OK Computer." Gates said he still hasn't gotten around to picking up Amnesiac.
ELLICOTT CITY, MD–An estimated 300 naked women, including actresses Pamela Anderson and Shannon Elizabeth, are feared lost as the result of a tragic computer crash Monday. "One minute, they were there, and the next, they were gone," said a visibly shaken Jonathan Blauvelt, 33, the Ellicott City resident whose Power Mac G4 was the site of the disaster. "To lose so many young girls in the blink of an eye like that, it's hard to comprehend. Angelina Jolie, Anna Kournikova, the chick from Species–it's just too much to bear." As data-recovery workers comb through the hard drive for signs of ass, Blauvelt is asking well-wishers to pray for the naked ladies' safe return.
MESA, AZ–That fucker sure is taking a long time to download, computer user Larry Eisen reported Monday. "What is taking this fucker so long?" asked Eisen, trying to download the fucker from amug.org, the web site for Arizona Macintosh Users Group. "I got a DSL line for this?" Spokespersons for AMUG, which offers the 145 MB, BinHex-encoded fucker for download off its FTP server, could not be reached as of press time.
About a month ago, I got a new computer here at my reception desk at the dentist's office, and, boy, does that thing have it in for me! I am not kidding. When it sees me coming, I swear, it must be all like, "Oh, goody, here comes Vicki... time to go on the fritz!" I mean, my computer seriously hates me!
DOWNERS GROVE, IL—According to a report issued Tuesday by area grandfather Anderson Bresch, the Bresch family's new Gold Star VCR was built by Communists. "Look—it's made in China," said the 81-year-old man, examining the Japanese characters on the product's box. "I told you these things were the work of those shifty Reds. Can't you folks get yourselves a decent, God-fearing VCR made in Detroit?" An expanded version of the report will be presented to the State Department this week.
'We're Getting The Hell Out Of This Sewer,' Entire Populace Reports
NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having simultaneously realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.
WASHINGTON—Fearing the information had already fallen into the wrong hands, the FBI was panicking Tuesday after learning encrypted national security communications may have been intercepted by the Trump administration.
OCEAN BEACH, NY—Moments after being called to the dining room table and briefed on a lengthy set of rules, local woman Shayla Meyer reported Tuesday that her relationship with Matt Brickell had apparently reached the point where she had to learn his family’s weird card games.