The Week In Review

In This Section

Issue 4505

Area Man Already Tired Of Prison

SHERIDAN, OR—"Honestly, what am I supposed to do now?" First-time inmate Martin Hayes asked. "Sit-Ups? Did some already. And I finished the book I brought with me."

Octuplets Doing Well

The second set of octuplets born in the United States is doing well, with all reportedly breathing on their own. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

The Week In Review

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Read Full Article
Asian Teen Has Sweaty Middle-Aged-Man Fetish
Read Full Article
Overexcited Super Bowl Grounds Crew Paints Wrong Lines On Field
Read Full Article
Obama Disappointed Cabinet Failed To Understand His Reference To 'Savage Sword Of Conan' #24
Read Full Article
Dennis Quaid Not Up For Any Oscars
Read Full Article
Oh Wait, Area Man Not Paul
Read Full Article
Super Bowl XLIII Spontaneously Breaks Out On Media Day
Read Full Article
Area Man Already Tired Of Prison
Read Full Article
Secluded Cabin In Woods Filled With Big Plans For America
Read Full Article
What Are You Waiting For? Somebody To Give You A Kiss, You Fucking Baby?
Read Full Article
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More