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Man Somehow Getting Worse At Sex

• Japan Pledges To Halt Production Of Weirdo Porn That Makes People Puke

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.10.09 | News

  TOKYO—"We had no idea people did not enjoy this stuff," said one official, expressing regret for the bondage, rape, and utensil-rape porn Japan has produced. more»

  

• Hero Woman Changes In Front Of Open Window

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.13.09 | News

  NEW YORK—Local heroine Emily, the smokin' hot neighbor lady from across the street, was seen selflessly changing her clothes within full view of nearby homes. more»

  

• Girl Would Be Terrified If She Knew Teacher Had Crush On Her Too

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.14.09 | News

  BOISE, ID—Rebecca Hodgson has been charmed by her teacher's passion for the English language, a passion that pales in comparison to his late-night longing for her. more»

  

• Ex-Girlfriend Making Huge Mistake

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.09.09 | News in Brief

  CLEVELAND—Tracy Anderton is making a tremendous mistake by thinking she can find happiness with a successful trial lawyer, ex-boyfriend Jack... more»

• Report: Guy On Bench Going To Town On Meatball Sub

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.10.09 | News in Brief

  ARLINGTON, VA—According to witnesses at the scene, a man sitting on a park bench with an empty paper bag lying across his lap is at this... more»

• Obama Debuts Annoying Catchphrase

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.10.09 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—In an unexpected turn of events that even his most ardent supporters are calling extremely ill-advised, President Obama, known... more»

• Gold Bracelet Picked Up At Pharmacy

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.11.09 | News in Brief

  ORO VALLEY, AZ—After spending a full minute holding the bracelet next to a small white bear hugging a jar of Hershey's kisses, James Mendez... more»

• First Grandma, Treasury Secretary Geithner Up All Night Talking, Laughing

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.11.09 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Accounts from several White House staffers suggest Treasury Secretary Timothy F. Geithner and the president's live-in... more»

• K-Y Introduces New Line Of Jam

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.12.09 | News in Brief

  NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Johnson & Johnson, manufacturer of the nation's most popular personal lubricant, K-Y Jelly, held a press conference Monday... more»

  

• Nation's Couples Descend On Nation's Rotating Restaurants

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.13.09 | News in Brief

  INDIANAPOLIS—Looking to experience the kind of timeless, romantic atmosphere that only a ring-shaped, 50-foot-tall, motorized eatery can... more»

• Celebrities Celebrate Valentine's Day

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.11.09 | Infographic

  Like most Americans, celebrity couples enjoy going out to eat or buying flowers around this time of year. How are Hollywood sweethearts... more»

  

• Your Love Horoscopes

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.10.09 | Horoscope

• Black History Month: George Washington Carver

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.11.09 | Statshot

  

• Sex Official Add New Base Between Second And Third

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.10.07 | Radio News

• Area Man Gets In One Last Night Of Sex Before Breakup

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.10.07 | Radio News

• Dad Keeps Dropping Hints About Mom's Sexual Proclivities

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.10.07 | Radio News

• Widower Misses Sex With Dead Wife Terribly

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.10.07 | Radio News

• 14 Sperm Bank Workers Drown In Tragic Spill

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.10.09 | Radio News

• Scientists Teach Drug-Addicted Bee To Perform Oral Sex For Cocaine

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.11.09 | Radio News

• Talking Sex Toy To Spice Up Relationships

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.12.09 | Radio News

• Man Convinces Girlfriend To Join 'Trapped Half Mile Underground' Club

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.12.09 | Radio News

• Emoticon Typo Commits Woman To 2nd Date

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.13.09 | Radio News

• U.S. Teens Lead World In Pregnancy-Test Scores

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.14.09 | Radio News

• Area Man Bores Pants Off Date

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.15.09 | Radio News

• Cute Couple On Same Antidepressant

  ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 45•07 | 02.10.09 | News in Photos

  

• Heart-Shaped Jacuzzi Clogged Again

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.11.09 | News in Photos

  

• I Wish I'd Spent Valentine's Day Eating A Prix Fixe Dinner, But I Was Too Busy Getting Beheaded

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.10.09 | Commentary

  Is it Valentine's Day already? My word! How the time does fly. I might have missed the day entirely had I not caught a glimpse of all the young... more»

• Vigorously Rubbing The Head Of The Penis And 10 Other Sex Tips

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.13.09 | Sunday Magazine

  

• A-Rod Dead At 33

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.12.09 | Sports News

  NEW YORK—Baseball legend and mythical figure A-Rod, the New York Yankee third baseman and three-time American League Most Valuable Player, was declared dead Saturday... more»

  

• Turns Out Craig Counsell Was Actually Best Baseball Player Of Steroid Era

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.12.09 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—After the records of players who used performance-enhancing drugs are carefully removed, statistics provided by the Elias Sports... more»

  

• Terrible Sports Editor Wants To Lead With Beckham, AC Milan Story

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.12.09 | Sports News in Brief

  PHOENIX—Lousy Arizona Ledger weekly sports section editor Gene Crewdson "went with his [idiotic] gut" once again Thursday, deciding... more»

  

• Report: Curt Schilling Has An Opinion On A-Rod

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.12.09 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Former pitcher and current blogger, micro-blogger, commentator, and would-be gadfly Curt Schilling delivered his opinion on the... more»

  

• A-Rod: 'Maybe Everyone Will Let This One Slide'

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.12.09 | Sports News in Brief

  MIAMI—One week after the revelation that Alex Rodriguez had tested positive for steroids in 2003 and days after Rodriguez confirmed the... more»

  

• Fuck-Rod Wondering What Permutation Of His Name Will Be Used For Steroid Story

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.12.09 | Sports News in Brief

  MIAMI—Alex "Fuck-Rod" Rodriguez, who has been given many unflattering nicknames by the press during the course of an eventful and turbulent... more»

  

• Relationship Tips

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.06.09 | Tips

  Many couples find their relationships stuck in a rut after they've been together for a while. Here are some ways to rekindle the fires of... more»

  

• A-Rod's Career Lowlights

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.12.09 | Sportsgraphic

  1975: Alex Rodriguez is born 1995: Sees Judge Dredd in the theaters for the third time in one week... more»

  

• A-Rod

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.12.09 | Strongside/Weakside

  A-Rod has admitted, finally, to steroid use. Is there anything good about this three-time MVP? more»

  

• Jose Canseco Smirking Smugly At Nation

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.12.09 | Photo Finish

  

• FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.11.09 | Newsroom

  Made by Pfizer, Despondex is the first drug designed to treat the symptoms of excessive perkiness. more»

  

• 134 Ice Fishermen Rescued

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.10.09 | American Voices

  After the ice sheet they were fishing on broke away from the shore this weekend, 134 men had to be rescued by helicopter from Lake Erie. What do... more»

• Marijuana Use Linked To Testicular Cancer

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.11.09 | American Voices

  A study from the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle found that marijuana smokers had an increased risk of developing testicular... more»

• Michelle Obama To Be On 'Vogue' Cover

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.12.09 | American Voices

  The March issue of the fashion magazine Vogue will feature first lady Michelle Obama. What do you think? more»

• Former eBay CEO Running For Governor

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.13.09 | American Voices

  Meg Whitman, the former CEO of the auction website eBay, announced her 2010 bid for the governorship of California. What do you think? more»

• The Week In Review

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.15.09 | Slideshow

  

• Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work

  ISSUE 45•07 | 02.09.09 | Tech Trends

  Our Tech Trends reporter looks at the new gizmo Sony promises will revolutionize the way consumers become infuriated by goddamn blinking TV box things. more»

  

• freezing

  Icy winds ruining hair, freezing it that way

• Most Vital

  70281,92328,67327,93083,93889,64589,65412,78049

• Sex

  Dear The Onion,

  Whenever my girlfriend and I are in the middle of sex, she never laughs at my jokes. What am I doing wrong?

  Sean Convery, Richmond, VA

• Ice Road Hookers

  HISTORY
  10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST
  This weekly reality program chronicles the vicious competition and daring exploits of the rugged prostitutes who service the region's famed truckers.

• First 100 Days: Day 24

  DAY 24: President Obama asks the visiting Estonian president if he wouldn't mind pretending to be Vladimir Putin for a second so he can practice for the Russian prime minister's big visit tomorrow.

• First 100 Days: Day 23

  DAY 23: Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano awkwardly enters the Oval Office while President Obama is doing his Napolitano impersonation.

• Rock Of Love Bus

  VH1

  9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST

  Poison front man Bret Michaels finally loses his virginity.

• MLB network, 6 p.m.‐9 p.m.

  Sunday

  Though Ken Burn's Baseball documentary features a number of rough spots in the bumpy history of the sport—including the Black Sox Scandal of 1919 and the Players' Strike of 1994—you'll have to wait for the sequel to see how it really dies in 2009.

  

• Sex Column

  Dear The Onion,

  My wife and I just happened upon your sex column last week and boy oh boy has it ever spiced up our marriage! Who knew that the woman could be on top?

  David Cashin, Ann Arbor, MI

• Fuck Hut

  Why the fuck you still fucking in sleazy motel rooms? It's got a fucking mattress on the floor. The fuck else d'ya need?

  Reference #6969696969

  

• First 100 Days: Day 22

  DAY 22: President Obama asks aides to alert him immediately if the Mutant Registration Act is introduced in Congress.

• Girlfriend Just Having A Few Drinks With Old Friend She Probably Used To Sleep With

• Next Thing He Knows, Area Man Walking Around In His Underwear Again

• Man Born On Valentine's Day Only Gets Half The Sex

• Notch Carved In Hammock

• Amalgamated Dildo (AMD)

  $12.6 $.13 (-1%) Though the merger of Union Carbide Dildo and Northwestern Comstock Dildo went smoothly, internal corporate restructuring has hit a series of snags and left the company without clear leadership.

• First 100 Days: Day 21

  DAY 21: For the third time, the Joint Chiefs of Staff ask President Obama not to leave fantasy miniatures on war map.

• Biden Googles "Open Mic Night AND Washington DC"

• First 100 Days: Day 20

  DAY 20: Joe Biden clears his schedule to oversee the installation of four video poker machines in the Naval Observatory.

• List Of Grammy Winners Scanned Emotionlessly

• First 100 Days: Day 19

  DAY 19: After a tense afternoon holed up in the Situation Room, President Obama finally locates that old pack of Lyndon Johnson's Benson & Hedges.

• First 100 Days: Day 18

  DAY 18: In one of many historic firsts, Barack Obama becomes the first black president to TiVo MythBusters.

• First 100 Days: Day 17

  DAY 17: Hillary Clinton meets with Haitian president René Préval, who demands U.S. provide Haiti a sandwich by 2010.

• First 100 Days: Day 16

  DAY 16: Obama's "First 100 Days Dilbert Desk Calendar" still on day five.

• First 100 Days: Day 15

  DAY 15: Eighty-eight-year-old Justice John Paul Stevens informs the Obama administration of his decision to die in office, effective Mar. 1.

• First 100 Days: Day 14

  DAY 14: Taco Tuesday

• First 100 Days: Day 13

  DAY 13: President Obama meets with Vermont governor Jim Douglas and is saddened to find that he is not the creator of Garfield.

• First 100 Days: Day 12

  DAY 12: A nice little lazy Sunday for the president. Maybe read a book, watch a movie, whatever.

• First 100 Days: Day 11

  DAY 11: Director of the White House Office of Management and Budget reads former director of the White House Office of Management and Budget's memoirs.

• First 100 Days: Day 10

  DAY 10: Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Donovan wonders if they mean "urban" like "city" or "urban" like "black."

• First 100 Days: Day 9

  DAY 9: Impressionist Rich Little sits in a bathrobe on the floor of his one-bedroom apartment trying to figure out how to say "I am not a crook" like Barack Obama.

• First 100 Days: Day 8

  DAY 8: Rahm Emanuel's "open door" policy is severely tested by political director Patrick Gaspard's repeated claims that someone is taking Splenda packets from the jar on his desk.

• First 100 Days: Day 7

  DAY 7: After figuring out a comprehensive solution for the economic crisis in a dream, President Obama issues an executive order requisitioning a fleet of freight liners and 147,000 tons of eggplant.

• First 100 Days: Day 6

  DAY 6: Joe Biden spends the day sitting on a couch in the Oval Office, saying he "just wants to watch."

• First 100 Days: Day 5

  DAY 5: Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack spends another day worried that his unanimous confirmation means people have forgotten what a hell-raiser he was as mayor of Mount Pleasant, IA.

• First 100 Days: Day 4

  DAY 4: Former treasury secretary Henry Paulson is discovered sleeping next to the boiler in the White House basement.

• First 100 Days: Day 3

  DAY 3: Obama takes a few minutes to fill out the change of address card for his Popular Mechanics subscription.

• First 100 Days: Day 2

  DAY 2: Suddenly everyone in the Roosevelt Room looks around and realizes: yes, this will be the seating arrangement for the next four years.

• First 100 Days: Day 1

  DAY 1: In one of his first acts as president, Obama begins the process of closing down the CIA prisons that he knows about.