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Nation's Blacks Creeped Out By All The People Smiling At Them

• Head Lice Going Around Senate

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.17.09 | News

  WASHINGTON—"Everyone is going to make fun of me now," said Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), who attempted to get rid of the lice by shaving her head. more»

  

• Plan To Start Little Stationery Store Too Sad For Bank To Deny Loan

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.20.09 | News

  KANSAS CITY, MO—64-year old Tim Creamsby's colored-pencil sketches of the storefront and plan to hire his granddaughter to answer phones melted loan officers' hearts. more»

  

• Area Woman Only Enjoys Miniature Versions Of Things

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.21.09 | News

  MANHATTAN, KS—"I've seen Barb squeal with joy at the sight of a cocktail weenie," said husband Bernard Elsinger, who met his wife at a peewee-league baseball game. more»

  

• Tourists Not Leaving Landmark Until All Permutations Of Groups And Cameras Exhausted

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.16.09 | News in Brief

  KEYSTONE, SD—Less than eight minutes after arriving at the famed attraction, a group of tourists visiting the Mount Rushmore National... more»

• FDA Prepares Nation For Switch To Digital Food Format

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.17.09 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Urging the estimated 60 million Americans who have not yet made the transition to the more advanced form of sustenance to do so... more»

• Employee Who Likens Self To TV's 'House' Fired

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.18.09 | News in Brief

  ALPINE, NJ—Walter Salinger, 38, a U.S postal employee who often compared himself to the cantankerous yet brilliant titular character from... more»

• Obama Peddling Stimulus Package Door-To-Door

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.18.09 | News in Brief

  HUTCHINSON, KS—In an effort to build support for his controversial economic recovery plan, President Obama set out across the country in a... more»

• Area Man Thought He Had More Forks Than This

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.19.09 | News in Brief

  CHARLOTTE, NC—Rummaging through his silverware tray Thursday morning, database administrator Ben Pagano, 30, was shocked to discover that he... more»

• Cash-Strapped Oscars To Give Out Emmys

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.20.09 | News in Brief

  BEVERLY HILLS, CA—The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced Tuesday that, due to disappointing ad sales for the costly... more»

• Oscar Handicapping

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.18.09 | Infographic

  Every year, Oscar pools are a big part of celebrating the Academy Awards. To help you with your picks, here are some odds on who we think will... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.17.09 | Horoscope

• Black Presidents History Month

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.18.09 | Statshot

  

• 300 Naked Women Feared Lost In Computer Crash

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.17.07 | Radio News

• Antispam Legislation Opposed By Powerful Penis-Enlargement Lobby

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.17.07 | Radio News

• Yahoo! Launches Soul-Search Engine

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.17.07 | Radio News

• Area Man Accidentally Signs Up For AOL Latino

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.17.07 | Radio News

• Supermodel Really Interested In Meeting Creator Of Fan Website

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.17.07 | Radio News

• Sleazy Website Will Link To Anything

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.17.07 | Radio News

• Roiling Mass Of Snakes To Receive $160 Billion In Government Stimulus

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.16.09 | Radio News

• Surgeons Successfully Reconstruct Man's Face Using Leftover Fingers

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.17.09 | Radio News

• Fashion Fans Enraged By New Spring Lineup

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.18.09 | Radio News

• Norway Returns To Pillage-Based Economy

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.19.09 | Radio News

• Area Conservationist Wastes His Breath

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.20.09 | Radio News

• Former Kitten Actor Struggles With Catnip Addiction

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.21.09 | Radio News

• Manifesto Suddenly Veers Into Lack Of Nearby Burrito Stands

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.22.09 | Radio News

• 280 Days Of Meryl Streep's Year Spent Being Honored

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.17.09 | News in Photos

  

• Somali Pirates Tow Guy With Stalled Jet Ski

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.18.09 | News in Photos

  

• The Best Part Of Being A Cop Is Knowing That You're Completely Impervious To Bullets

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.17.09 | Commentary

  Every cop knows there are three reasons to join the force: You get to give back to the community, you become a role model for young people, and,... more»

• If Itzhak Perlman Is Performing On TV Right Now, Who Is Feeding My Cat?

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.18.09 | Commentary

  Boy am I steamed. I finally get the chance to go on a little vacation for a couple of days, but instead of relaxing, I'm just a tightly wound ball... more»

• We Take 10 Things You Like And Arrange Them In An Aesthetically Pleasing Grid

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.20.09 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Editorial Cartoon - February 16, 2009

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.18.09 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Editorial Cartoon - March 2, 2009

  ISSUE 45•08 | 03.02.09 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Nate Robinson Jumping Over Dwight Howard In Everyday Life

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.19.09 | Sports News

  ORLANDO, FL—"I can't do anything without that guy jumping over me," said Howard, who glanced over his shoulder every few seconds during his press conference Wednesday. more»

  

• Marcus Camby Caught Hacking NBA Computer To Change Clippers Power Ranking

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.19.09 | Sports News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—NBA officials formally accused center Marcus Camby Wednesday of exploiting a weakness in the NBA computer system, gaining access... more»

  

• Phil Mickelson Shows Bubba Watson New Grip In Clubhouse Shower

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.19.09 | Sports News in Brief

  PACE, FL—Saying he could show his fellow golfer a technique that would both "increase his control and allow him to go way longer," Phil... more»

  

• Buccaneers Inform Jeff Garcia That No Team Ever Wanted Him

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.19.09 | Sports News in Brief

  TAMPA BAY, FL—Shortly after ending a two-year relationship with Jeff Garcia Monday, the Buccaneers front office notified its former... more»

  

• Bobby Labonte Real Happy With 73rd Lap

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.19.09 | Sports News in Brief

  DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Despite finishing a distant 22nd in the 2009 running of the Daytona 500, veteran driver Bobby Labonte expressed supreme... more»

  

• Scott Boras Able To Get Manny Ramirez $20 Billion In Economic Stimulus Money

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.19.09 | Sports News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—After a series of closed-door talks, Scott Boras, the agent known for representing the highest-paid players in baseball, set... more»

  

• NASCAR's Most Disappointing Finishes

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.19.09 | Sportsgraphic

  1908: In the first-ever NASCAR race, every Model T putters out in the first five seconds 1984: After Doug... more»

  

• Matt Kenseth

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.19.09 | Strongside/Weakside

  NASCAR's 2003 champion just won a rain-shortened Daytona 500. Still, is American racing's most easygoing driver any good? more»

  

• David Stern Wins Slam-Dunk Contest

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.19.09 | Photo Finish

  

• East Timor's First Female Dictator Hailed As Step Forward For Women

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.16.09 | Newsroom

  Amivi Gama's violent rise to power has proved that women are just as capable as men when it comes to brutality and oppression. more»

  

• Courageous Man Refuses To Believe He Has Cancer

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.18.09 | Today Now!

  On Today Now, Peter Hedgemont shares the inspirational tale of how he has refused to let a cancer diagnosis convince him he has cancer. more»

  

• Florida Gun Sellers Short On Bullets

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.16.09 | American Voices

  After what appears to be a run on bullets, gun dealers in the state of Florida are experiencing an ammunition shortage. What do you think? more»

• Muzak Files For Bankruptcy

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.17.09 | American Voices

  With a debt load between $100 million and $500 million, Muzak Holdings LLC, the company whose name is synonymous with elevator and on-hold music, has... more»

• Nuclear Subs Collide

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.18.09 | American Voices

  Two nuclear submarines, one French and one British, collided in the Atlantic earlier this month, raising safety concerns. What do you think? more»

• Texas UFO Identified

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.19.09 | American Voices

  An object that streaked dramatically across the Texas sky earlier this week was identified by the FAA as a meteor, not, as many had speculated,... more»

• Octuplet's Domicile Threatened By Foreclosure

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.20.09 | American Voices

  The home of Angela Suleman, mother to Nadya Suleman and grandmother to her 14 children, went into default earlier this month. What do you... more»

• The Week In Review

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.24.09 | Slideshow

  

• cold

  Lukecold

• KIm

  Kim Martiz, 32, died Tuesday while giving birth. She is survived by triplets Kay, Kerri, and Kassie and her husband, Kyle, who is scared shitless.

  

• Last Meals

  FOOD

  9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST

  Tonight: Giada De Laurentiis sends a convicted rapist and cop killer off with class, preparing her salmon penne and mixed baby greens salad.

• Wheel Of Fortune

  ABC

  7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST

  Vanna White is out sick. Award-winning actor Peter O'Toole fills in.

• Architecture

  Last week's architectural review of the Ontario Art Gallery stated that the building's design "playfully blends the visible with the unseen, goading the visitor into a seemingly extemporaneous, but, in fact, carefully orchestrated dance through the architect's singular—yet all-encompassing—vision of time and space." That was a bunch of bullshit. The Onion regrets the error.

• HARRISBURG, PA—Jim Greene wasted another day at work Tuesday, with nothing but a paycheck, three weeks vacation, and full benefits to show for it.

• First 100 Days: Day 32

  DAY 32: Vice-President Joe Biden curses HotGunner79 for outbidding him at last minute on 1970's Navy bomber jacket.

• First 100 Days: Day 31

  DAY 31: White House Intern David Kimball decides delivering memos to Robert Gibbs counts as "managing critical White House messaging initiatives key to furthering the president's agenda."

• Second Guitarist Just Compounds The Problem

• Belt

  According to CosmoGirl magazine, the chunky-belt look is officially dead.

  

• LEXINGTON, KY—Janice Clark really should get that mole checked out.

• White House Press Conference

  CNN

  4 p.m. EST/3 p.m. CST

  Press Secretary Robert Gibbs starts off by requesting that reporters refrain throwing down their pens and saying "Aw, man!" should another reporter ask the same question they were planning to ask.

• First 100 Days: Day 30

  DAY 30: At 3 a.m., President Obama sends Judd Gregg a group photo of his Cabinet, just so he knows what he's missing.

• Mom In Commercial Feels Strong Sense Of Accomplishment After Feeding Children Frozen Pizza Rolls

• ESPN2 HD, 12 p.m.‐2 p.m.

  Sunday

  Day Two of the Bassmaster Classic is finally presented in HD, so you can really see that treble hook rip through that fish-cheek.

  

• First 100 Days: Day 29

  DAY 29: A nervous Canada accidentally offers to be annexed during Obama's first foreign visit.

• Moon

  The Onion has learned that an article published last week was incorrect, and that the moon will not disappear tomorrow. But what if it did, what then?

• Victims Of Cube Scheme Break Even

• Usher

  Harrison Usher, 78, passed away last Saturday in his mansion. He is survived by the woman who successfully married him for his money just in time.

  

• Fringe

  FOX

  9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST

  Olivia, Peter, and Dr. Bishop take a crack at that unsolved X-Files episode where Mulder and Scully were trapped in a house of vampires.

• First 100 Days: Day 28

  DAY 28: Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner's wife has taken to calling him the Trillion Dollar Man during sex.

• Tony's Muffler (TMF)

  $579. $578. (+680%) Share prices rose sharply after it was revealed that the Newark-area auto repair shop had mistakenly received $200 billion of government bailout money.

• Grandfather Complimented On Pants

• First 100 Days: Day 27

  DAY 27: Interior Secretary Ken Salazar is still feeling out the White House policy on nudity.

• COLUMBIA, MO—The guy behind the counter at the gas station winced when Darlene Edwards didn't rinse out her refillable mug before getting coffee in the morning, but he didn't lose his cool or anything.

• First 100 Days: Day 26

  DAY 26: After receiving the fifth gift of its kind in as many weeks, Obama half-heartedly nails another African mask to the Oval Office wall.

• First 100 Days: Day 25

  DAY 25: Obama enjoys a quiet, candlelight dinner with Michelle and South Korean Prime Minister Han Seung-soo.