Issue 4509 - 02.23.2009 | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Sasha Obama Keeps Seeing Creepy Bush Twins While Riding Tricycle Through White House

WASHINGTON—The Bush twins spoke in unison and repeatedly beckoned Sasha Obama by chanting the phrases "come play with us, forever" and "Daddy's making fajitas."…

Nation Instinctively Forms Breadline

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.24.09 | News

NEW YORK— "What's happening here?" said a California resident after seeing a group of bankers leaning against a broken-down jalopy, their feet muddied and bare. more»
ATF Agents Closing In On Nation's Most Notorious Cigarette Bummer

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.27.09 | News

WASHINGTON—"No smoker is safe while that man's still out there," said Kentucky resident and local barfly Dale Richardson, who was hit up twice last night alone. more»
Stripper Putting Herself Through Life

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.28.09 | News

JUPITER, FL—"I've got dreams a lot bigger than this dump," exotic dancer Nina Meyer explained. "I'm only doing this because there's no way I'll ever achieve them." more»
Parade Of Interchangeable Starlets Delights U.S. Populace

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.23.09 | News in Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—A steady stream of indistinguishable, uniformly beautiful actresses brought excitement and joy to millions of Americans Sunday... more»
Man Finally Unpauses 'Super Mario Bros.' After 18 Years Of Chores

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.24.09 | News in Brief

REYNARD, NV—Nearly two decades after suspending the game to clean the bathroom and mow the front yard, Nevada resident Dennis Rigali, 29,... more»
Loud Squawking Crow Forces FAA To Ground All Flights Indefinitely

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.25.09 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Thousands were left stranded at airports nationwide Tuesday, when the Federal Aviation Administration grounded all commercial... more»
'Old Milwaukee Book Of World Records' Confirms Title For Most Punches To Shoulder

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.26.09 | News in Brief

MILWAUKEE—In a ceremony held Tuesday at Milwaukee City Hall, local resident Phillip Schneider, 27, was officially recognized by the Old... more»
CIA Awkwardly Debriefs Obama On Creation Of Crack Cocaine

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.26.09 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—In his first meeting with president-elect Barack Obama, CIA crime and counternarcotics analyst Timothy R. McIntire haltingly... more»
Buttons Just Don't Disappear, Reports Woman On Hands And Knees

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.27.09 | News in Brief

ANN ARBOR, MI—Although there is a slim chance the darn things might have rolled under the stove, Michigan resident Irene Sullivan, 50,... more»
The New Kindle

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.25.09 | Infographic

Having sold out of its popular e-book reader Kindle last fall, Amazon is now releasing an updated version of the device. Here are some of the... more»
Your Horoscopes

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.24.09 | Horoscope
Black History Month: Harriet Tubman

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.25.09 | Statshot
McDonald’s Introduces New Feed Pellet

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.26.07 | Radio News
Taco Bell Launches New ‘Morning After’ Burrito

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.26.07 | Radio News
Denny's Introduces 'Just A Humongous Bucket Of Eggs And Meat'

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.26.07 | Radio News
U.S. Fast Food Chains Agree To Voluntary Cheese Limits

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.26.07 | Radio News
Burger King Unveils New Low-Fat Cashier

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.27.07 | Radio News
Fort Knox Receives $85 From Cash4Gold

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.02.09 | Radio News
Australian WIldfires Spur Large Increase In Flaming Animal Attacks

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.23.09 | Radio News
Bill Clinton Reveals Conjoined Twin

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.24.09 | Radio News
Area Mooning Goes Unnoticed

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.25.09 | Radio News
Muppeteer's Right Hand In Critical Condition Following Elmo Assassination Attempt

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.27.09 | Radio News
Primatologist Dethrones Alpha-Male Baboon

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.28.09 | Radio News
Olde English Introduces 40-Ounce Malt Liqueur

ISSUE 45•09 | 03.01.09 | Radio News
Area Man Seated Next To Lou Reed On Roller Coaster

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.24.09 | News in Photos
Whole Foods Transforms Another Ordinary Vegetable Into Status Symbol

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.25.09 | News in Photos
I'm Thinking About Getting A Dog To Neglect

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.24.09 | Commentary

I have a hole in my life. It's small, has four legs, a shiny coat, and maybe even one of those teeny corkscrew tails that wags when it's happy to... more»
If Someone Tried To Burn My Village, I'd Be Like, 'Fuck You'

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.26.09 | Commentary

I was reading some story the other day about this African guy whose village was burned to the ground, and it blew me away. I couldn't believe that... more»
Pretty Balloons: Where Are They Now?

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.27.09 | Sunday Magazine
Editorial Cartoon - February 23, 2009

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.23.09 | Editorial Cartoon
New Mike Tyson Documentary Features Exclusive Interviews With Super Macho Man, King Hippo

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.26.09 | Sports News

AUSTIN, TX—A new documentary titled Punched Out!!: The Mike Tyson Story, which follows the legendary boxer's career... more»
Men Standing Behind Backstop With Radar Guns Exchange Impressed Glances

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.26.09 | Sports News in Brief

Lakeland, FL—During a recent throwing session by Tigers' top prospect Rick Porcello, two men holding radar guns in the bleachers behind home... more»
Entire Basketball Game Rendered Pointless By Last-Second Shot

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.26.09 | Sports News in Brief

YPSILANTI, MI—A thrilling seesaw battle against Akron was ruined as boorish Eastern Michigan forward Brandon Bowdry mustered the sheer gall... more»
Sidney Crosby Takes Advantage Of Player's Discount At Penguins Store

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.26.09 | Sports News in Brief

PITTSBURGH—By using his 15 percent employee discount, Penguins center and team captain Sidney Crosby has reportedly saved hundreds of... more»
New 'Friday Night Lights' Spin-Off To Focus On Underfunded Texas Hockey Team

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.26.09 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—NBC officials announced Tuesday that the new Friday Nights Lights spin-off Saturday Morning Ice will follow an... more»
Report: Majority Of Utah Jazz Players Have Never Heard Of Themselves

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.26.09 | Sports News in Brief

SALT LAKE CITY—In a USA Today poll of NBA players and fans published Tuesday, four out of five Utah Jazz players admitted to never... more»
Lesser-Known Steroids

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.26.09 | Sportsgraphic

Primabolan and Dianabol get all the attention, but they are hardly the only steroids available. Here are some of the more... more»
Wayne Gretzky

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.26.09 | Strongside/Weakside

We look back at The Great One, the NHL's all-time point leader and perhaps its greatest player ever. Was he any good? more»
Terrified Rookie Afraid To Let Go Of Rim After Dunk

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.26.09 | Photo Finish
Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse?

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.25.09 | In The Know

Panelists debate whether games like Fallout 3 and Gears Of War 2 are teaching children skills they'll really need in the End Times. more»
Spam Crackdown Threatens Koy4Goff's Penis Enlarger, Free iPod Industry

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.23.09 | Newsroom

The U.S. is considering sanctions against the Eastern European nation if it does not reduce the number of unsolicited offers for Viagra and replica handbags it sends. more»
Asian Man 'Randomly' Searched 21 Times

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.23.09 | American Voices

After having his bag searched 21 times on the New York subway, 32-year-old Jangir Sultan is suing the NYPD for racial profiling. What do you... more»
Arranged Marriage Reality Series In Production

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.24.09 | American Voices

CBS has picked up a reality show with the working title Arranged Marriage, a program in which contestants’ spouses are selected by friends... more»
Serotonin Makes Locusts Swarm

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.25.09 | American Voices

A new study indicates that an increased level of serotonin—a chemical that can prevent depression in humans—causes locusts to swarm. What do... more»
Cleaner Air, Longer Life

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.26.09 | American Voices

An increase in American air quality over the last 20 years has led to an average life span increase of 21 weeks. What do you think? more»
Teen TV Habits Linked To Adult Depression

ISSUE 45•09 | 02.27.09 | American Voices

A study published in the Archives Of General Psychiatry found that teenagers who watch a lot of television are more likely to suffer... more»
Paul Harvey Dead At 90

ISSUE 45•09 | 03.02.09 | American Voices

Legendary radio broadcaster Paul Harvey died of undisclosed causes in Arizona on Saturday. What do you think? more»
The Week In Review

ISSUE 45•09 | 03.02.09 | Slideshow
sun

Strong chance of weather-related clipart
That Rash: Bigger?
First 100 Days: Day 40

DAY 40: President Obama forwards the link to the new Star Trek movie trailer to the entire staff. Again.
BATON ROUGE, LA—Desperate defense attorney Jerry Stevens, 41, insinuated to the jury yesterday that maybe he was the real killer.
First 100 Days: Day 39

DAY 39: The Obamas sit silently around their Camp David dining table because Malia forgot to pack Scattergories.
After Several Weight-Related Jokes, Group Of Friends Ultimately Agree John Goodman A Good Actor
Opportunity Knocks

ABC

8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. EST

In this game show in which contestants answer trivia about their families for prizes, the prospect of winning a trip to Vegas gives Frank Sumner, Sr. his big chance to find out who dented his Corvette three years ago.
First 100 Days: Day 38

DAY 38: Uruguayan Ambassador left in blue room all day.
First 100 Days: Day 37

DAY 37: The West Wing staff enjoys two dozen boxes of Nilla Wafers courtesy of Nabisco after Obama mentions them in a speech.
Howie Time!

NBC

9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST

Host Howie Mandel hides in unsuspecting couples' bedroom closets and jumps out screaming "It's Howie Time!" when they least expect it.
ANAHEIM, CA—Thirty-one-year-old Edward Brawley's plan to get himself an umbrella from a random lost and found took two hours, but it saved him $2.99.
Screamed

The nuptials Saturday of Christopher Winterbourne and Heidi Walsh screamed David's Bridal, and not in a good way.
Accountant Discovers Rare Form
12 a.m. - 1 a.m.
Friday
Don Larsen makes history in the classic 1956 World Series between the Yankees and the Brooklyn Dodgers, now with enhanced slide whistle, flatulence and "boy-yoy-yoing" sound effects.
First 100 Days: Day 36

DAY 36: Realizing there are 489 people working in the West Wing, Rahm Emanuel tells his secretary to stop buying cupcakes for everybody's birthday.
Devil

Dear The Onion,

There are a lot of problems in the world today—bombings, economic turmoil, and mine collapses, just to name a few—and you do a great job of covering them, but would you mind reporting which of these are caused by the devil and which are just accidents? Thanks.

Evan Waters, Hallowell, ME
KIndergarten

Kindergarten teacher Jane Saunders is getting married this weekend in a pretty dress, in a big church with a bell, to a boy she likes. Ms. Saunders won't be back in school for two whole weeks.
First 100 Days: Day 35

DAY 35: Negotiations between the House and Senate versions of the DC Voting Rights bill nearly break down when Senator Arlen Specter insists on keeping his doodle of a three-legged pony in the bill.
SC Johnson (SCJ)

$34.5 $.62 (+1.8%) Shares rose on the company's declaration that Apr. 8, 2009 is "Free Cup of Drano" Day.
Dream Of Flying Car Briefly Realized
Burris Regrets Adding 'Lied To Congress' To His Facebook '25 Things'
First 100 Days: Day 34

DAY 34: During a difficult moment of a televised address, President Obama debuts the evil-looking sock puppet that will speak on all unpopular matters from now on.
FORT WORTH, TX—Arthur Bird mistakenly assumed that the rule against joking about bombs in an airport didn't apply if the joke was really good.
First 100 Days: Day 33

DAY 33: President Obama still hasn't updated his Twitter account, leaving millions of tweeple tweet-deprived for over a month.

sun

That Rash: Bigger?

First 100 Days: Day 40

BATON ROUGE, LA—Desperate defense attorney Jerry Stevens, 41, insinuated to the jury yesterday that maybe he was the real killer.

First 100 Days: Day 39

After Several Weight-Related Jokes, Group Of Friends Ultimately Agree John Goodman A Good Actor

Opportunity Knocks

First 100 Days: Day 38

First 100 Days: Day 37

Howie Time!

ANAHEIM, CA—Thirty-one-year-old Edward Brawley's plan to get himself an umbrella from a random lost and found took two hours, but it saved him $2.99.

Screamed

Accountant Discovers Rare Form

12 a.m. - 1 a.m. Friday Don Larsen makes history in the classic 1956 World Series between the Yankees and the Brooklyn Dodgers, now with enhanced slide whistle, flatulence and "boy-yoy-yoing" sound effects.

First 100 Days: Day 36

Devil

KIndergarten

First 100 Days: Day 35

SC Johnson (SCJ)

Dream Of Flying Car Briefly Realized

Burris Regrets Adding 'Lied To Congress' To His Facebook '25 Things'

First 100 Days: Day 34

FORT WORTH, TX—Arthur Bird mistakenly assumed that the rule against joking about bombs in an airport didn't apply if the joke was really good.

First 100 Days: Day 33

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12 a.m. - 1 a.m.
Friday
Don Larsen makes history in the classic 1956 World Series between the Yankees and the Brooklyn Dodgers, now with enhanced slide whistle, flatulence and "boy-yoy-yoing" sound effects.