adBlockCheck

The Week In Review

Top Headlines

Issue 4511

Area Man Down To Final Week Of Heyday

CHICAGO—"I'm having a blast," said Brian Konig, unaware that work-related stress and financial responsibility will soon put a tragic end to his personal apex.

Buffalo Bills Acquire Final Piece Of Shit Of The Puzzle

BUFFALO, NY—In a move that will immediately impact a roster that is already full of shit, the Bills added what many believe will be the missing piece of shit to the team's puzzle Saturday by signing world-class shitass Terrell Owens.

Blake Griffin

Quick, nifty 6-foot-10 power forward Blake Griffin is expected to go first in the upcoming NBA draft. Is this Oklahoma sophomore any good?

FDA Approves Salmonella

WASHINGTON—Executives at Hellmann's welcomed the news by announcing an entire line of lukewarm, sun-soaked, and partially turned mayonnaises.

Rush Limbaugh Returns

Rush Limbaugh is once again in the national media spotlight, this time for saying, among other things, that he hopes Obama and his economic...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close