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Congress Forced To Watch Training Video About Bipartisan Cooperation

• Everything Taking Too Long

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.24.09 | News

  WASHINGTON—Between eye rolls, sighs, and repeated glances at wall clocks, the majority of Americans are reporting that the nation badly needs to pick up the pace. more»

  

• 'People' Magazine Reporter Held Hostage By Timothy Hutton Extremists

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.27.09 | News

  LOS ANGELES—"Praise be the one, true Tim Hutton," yelled a masked member of the Ordinary People's Front, before firing a semiautomatic weapon wildly into the air. more»

  

• Local Raccoons Once Again Take The Fall For Area Man

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.28.09 | News

  SOUTH NATICK, MA—"I put out traps to catch those crafty bastards, but the only thing I ever caught was poor Louis [O'Halloran] from down the block," said a neighbor. more»

  

• 98% Of Babies Manic-Depressive

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.23.09 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—A new study published in The Journal Of Pediatric Medicine found that a shocking 98 percent of all infants suffer from... more»

• TV Producers Running Out Of Types Of People To Have Dance With Each Other

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.24.09 | News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—Frustrated TV producers announced Monday that they have nearly exhausted every combination of people that can be made to dance... more»

• Drunk Man Dangerously Close To Figuring Out You're Fucking With Him

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.25.09 | News in Brief

  CHICAGO—The heavily intoxicated man seated next to you is dangerously close to realizing you've been fucking with him this entire time,... more»

• Area Man Just Realized He Doesn't Even Know When Barack Obama's Birthday Is

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.26.09 | News in Brief

  ATHENS, GA—Local barista Benjamin Shields, 31, expressed both shock and remorse Monday when, during a routine perusal of his 2009 calendar,... more»

• Rush Limbaugh Tucks Shirt Back In Following Animated Flat Tax Rant

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.27.09 | News in Brief

  WEST PALM BEACH, FL—While ferociously laying into what he calls the "liberal jihad against the flat tax," conservative pundit and talk radio... more»

• The Controversial AIG Bonuses

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.24.09 | Infographic

  Last week, the nation was outraged to learn that members of the division responsible for the calamitous credit default swaps that brought down... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.24.09 | Horoscope

• Where Are We Looking For Work?

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.25.09 | Statshot

  

• Cowboy Weatherman Forecasts Big Storms A-Brewin'

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.20.07 | Radio News

• Hope Fades For Survivors In 1999 Turkish Earthquake

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.20.07 | Radio News

• Elderly Man Silently Wages War Against Pharmacy

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.25.07 | Radio News

• Boxer Hopes He Can Make Money Punching Things In Retirement

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.25.07 | Radio News

• Retirees Rise Up Against Gang Violence, All Are Killed

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.25.07 | Radio News

• Army Platoon Hires Day Laborers To Fill Out Patrols

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.23.09 | Radio News

• Congressional Swap Meet Erupts In Chaos

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.24.09 | Radio News

• Six Flags To Scale Down Its Biggest Roller Coaster To Reflect Today's Economic Climate

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.25.09 | Radio News

• 800,000 Fijians Rescued From An Island

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.26.09 | Radio News

• Man Says This Is The Year He Stops Eating Bologna

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.27.09 | Radio News

• Father's Ghost Still Neglects His Daughter

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.28.09 | Radio News

• Endless Stream Of Excuses Pours Out Of Area Man

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.29.09 | Radio News

• Heroic Pickles Holding Lid Shut From Inside

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.24.09 | News in Photos

  

• Area Man Croatian?

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.28.09 | News in Photos

  

• I Was Going to Succumb To Cancer, But Then I Got This Mylar Balloon

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.24.09 | Commentary

  Greetings to all my favorite ladies! Please forgive me for not sending a thank-you note sooner, but the nurses at this hospital are always carting... more»

• Come On, Lighten Up, I'm Just Being A Total Asshole

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.26.09 | Commentary

  Talk about not having a sense of humor. These days you can't even sit down, rudely interrupt someone's conversation, insult them directly to their... more»

• We Interview A Hockey Goalie: Sure, Why The Hell Not?

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.27.09 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Editorial Cartoon - March 23, 2009

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.23.09 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Shaq Finds Mysterious Inscriptions Written On Basketball

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.26.09 | Sports News

  PHOENIX—"I never saw anything written on the ball before," said O'Neal, adding that he had not considered the possibility of using a basketball as a device to access information. more»

  

• Tennessee Men's Lady Vols Eliminated From NCAA Tournament

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.26.09 | Sports News in Brief

  DAYTON, OH—In a dramatic three-point play with 7.2 seconds left in their first-round game, the No. 9 seed Tennessee Men's Lady Vols fell... more»

  

• Jets Attempt To Trade Mannequin Dressed As Favre For Jay Cutler

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.26.09 | Sports News in Brief

  DENVER—The Broncos' front office continues to rebuff trade overtures from the New York Jets, who persist in their attempts to trade a... more»

  

• Team USA Happy To Be Back Playing For Money

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.26.09 | Sports News in Brief

  MIAMI—Back with their respective teams after a second disappointing showing in the World Baseball Classic, Team USA expressed relief to be... more»

  

• NCAA Tournament Results Leaked To Internet

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.26.09 | Sports News in Brief

  DETROIT—With three rounds and the championship game remaining in the 2009 NCAA men's basketball tournament, documents believing to be the... more»

  

• Marc Stein Treated For OCD After Latest NBA Power Rankings List Teams From Dirtiest To Cleanest

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.26.09 | Sports News in Brief

  BRISTOL, CT—Sportswriter Marc Stein was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder and prescribed a low dose of Risperdal Tuesday after... more»

  

• Notable Siblings In Sports

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.26.09 | Sportsgraphic

  In honor of Kurt and Kyle Busch winning back-to-back NASCAR races, we look at other sporting brothers and sisters: more»

  

• Curt Schilling

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.26.09 | Strongside/Weakside

  Hard-throwing pitcher Curt Schilling announced his retirement Monday. Was the three-time World Series winner any good? more»

  

• Lance Armstrong: 'Riding A Bike Isn't Something You Just Remember How To Do'

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.26.09 | Photo Finish

  

• Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.23.09 | Newsroom

  Business Week ranked the airport last in customer satisfaction due to long delays, bureaucratic employees, and overall oppressive atmosphere. more»

  

• Congressman’s War Hero Son Would Have Wanted Highway Bill Passed

  ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 45•13 | 03.25.09 | O-SPAN

  Rep. David Whittle (D-VA) speaks passionately about how his son, who died in Iraq, would have loved to see this appropriations bill passed. more»

  

• Defense Department To Phase Out Stop-Loss Program

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.23.09 | American Voices

  Defense Department officials said that, rather than requiring troops to stay on after their term of enlistment expires, they will begin offering them... more»

• U.S. Ready For North Korean Missile

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.24.09 | American Voices

  Following the testing of a missile defense system, the Senate Armed Services Committee was told that there is a "high probability" that they could... more»

• Red Meat May Spell Early Death

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.25.09 | American Voices

  A federal study revealed that middle-aged Americans who ate red meat at least once a day were 30 percent more likely to die during the 10 years... more»

• Morning-After Pill To Be Sold To 17-Year-Olds

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.26.09 | American Voices

  A federal judge has ruled that the Food and Drug Administration failed to follow its own protocols when reviewing the birth control pill Plan B and... more»

• Sacramento Closes Tent City

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.27.09 | American Voices

  The city of Sacramento, CA is going to add more beds to homeless shelters to accomodate the 150 people currently living in from an encampment a mile... more»

• The Week In Review

  ISSUE 45•13 | 03.29.09 | Slideshow

  

• sun

  All-indigo rainbow

• Out Of Office

  Dear The Onion,

  I am out of the office until Oct. 5. If you have a pressing matter, please contact Helene at the front desk, and she can assist you.

  Linda Simmons, Greensboro, NC

• Comically Mismatched Roommate Wanted

  Uptight, fastidious, type-A personality seeks slovenly, carefree roommate to share apartment. Ideal applicant would only be able to put up with neurotic cleaning and constant nagging for so long before forcibly showing original tenant how to truly live life and have fun.

  Reference # 847238HD

  

• First 100 Days: Day 66

  DAY 66: White House Chef Cristeta Comerford gives a blank, puzzled stare when Biden asks for 'Eggs Biden.'

• PENSACOLA, FL—Tim Howard doesn't give a shit about anyone but Numero Uno—the cool Hispanic man down the street.

• Jeopardy!

  NBC

  10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST

  Producers try stacking contestants vertically, but later decide they like it better the old way.

• First 100 Days: Day 65

  DAY 65: Following a state dinner, Obama lets the U.S. Marine Band know their soul version of "Hail to the Chief" will not be necessary.

• Mousehole

  If you are a mouse, this is the house for you. It is an almost cartoonish hole at the bottom of a white wall. It is warm. The owners are often gone. And, there is cheese!

  Reference #446HJLM

  

• Scooter Peninsula

  ABC

  9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT

  Sixteen contestants. One peninsula. Scooters everywhere.

• CBS, 4 p.m - 8 p.m. Saturday

  As March Madness goes from 16 teams to 4, don't forget to scream, curse, and pull your hair out while a bunch of college kids fuck up your chances of winning $300 from everyone in your office.

  

• First 100 Days: Day 64

  DAY 64: Democratic fundraiser Wade Randlett thought he would be important enough to garner a meeting with the President during his trip to the White House, but is instead only given an uncomfortable ten minute face to face with Secretary of Labor Hilda Solis's wayward brother Hector.

• ARLINGTON, VA—While cutting open and eating a pineapple, Dave Condran, 26, jokingly acted like a caveman, though deep down he really felt like a caveman.

• Blue Bell

  Dear The Onion,

  The blue bell tolls at midnight. Oh, no, wait. The bluebird sings at midnight. Is that right? Aw, fuck it. The money's taped to the bottom of a bench in Greene Park.

  Moe Cicilline, Jersey City, NJ

• Man Who Likes To Move It, Move It Still Searching For Perfect Song

• First 100 Days: Day 63

  DAY 63: Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsak wakes suddenly at 3 a.m. in a cold sweat screaming, "Corn!"

• References To Joke From Earlier In Show Repeatedly Catch Man By Surprise

• Coca Cola Co. (KO)

  $39.4 $.90 (+2.3%) With the recent introduction of Pepsi Natural threatening its position, Coca-Cola responded by being much more popular and successful.

• Roland Burris Now Considered Installation Art

• Telescope Used To Observe Origins Of Human Life

• Fat Ghosts

  Sci-Fi

  8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT

  This show follows paranormal detectives as they track down apparitions that, to be quite honest, could stand to lose a few.

• SANTA MONICA, CA—Steve Alizio was disappointed to discover that the man walking down Wilshire Boulevard was not his old JV swim coach, but rather just Pat Sajak.

• Obama On Special Olympics Gaffe: 'Sorry, I Acted Like A Retard'