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Renowned Hoo-Ha Doctor Wins Nobel Prize For Medical Advancements Down There

• Obama Depressed, Distant Since 'Battlestar Galactica' Series Finale

  ISSUE 45•14 | 03.31.09 | News

  WASHINGTON—"What am I supposed to watch on Fridays at 10 p.m. now? Numb3rs?" blurted out a distraught Obama, in the middle of a briefing on Iranian drone planes. more»

  

• Study Finds Paint Aisle At Lowe's Best Place To Have Complete Meltdown

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.03.09 | News

  AUSTIN, TX—Shoppers were observed in a fugue-like state, clutching color samples in their sweat-soaked hands and mumbling incoherently about eggshell sheens. more»

  

• Two Dozen More Bodies Found In Lake Wobegon

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.04.09 | News

  LAKE WOBEGON, MN—"It's gonna be hard to get the School Choir concert together if that's Ms. Falconer’s chopped-off head bobbing up and down out there," said a resident. more»

  

• Foie Gras, Scallops Snuck Into Opera House

  ISSUE 45•14 | 03.30.09 | News in Brief

  PARIS—Citing "outrageous" snack prices at the legendary Palais Garnier opera house, local resident Philippe Michaud discreetly smuggled a... more»

• Offbeat Congressman Having Trouble Finding Committee To Fit Into

  ISSUE 45•14 | 03.30.09 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Two months into his first term, Rep. Jason McKenna (D-OR) reported Monday that, despite his best efforts, he has been unable to... more»

• Your High School Boyfriend Still Smoking Cigarettes In The Field Behind School

  ISSUE 45•14 | 03.31.09 | News in Brief

  THE BALL FIELDS—According to witnesses at your old high school, the guy you let touch your boobs after the Queensrÿche concert still takes... more»

• Historic Senator Robert Byrd Imploded In Controlled Demolition

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.01.09 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Thousands gathered Monday to watch the demolition of Sen. Robert C. Byrd, 91, who was torn down after nearly five decades as a... more»

• Hush Falls Over Prison Population As Madoff Stabs Cellmate In Throat

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.02.09 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Witnesses reported that a tense, grim silence fell over the cafeteria of the Metropolitan Correctional Center Monday as inmate No.... more»

• Incredible 'Business-Man' Has Salary Of 10 Regular Men

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.03.09 | News in Brief

  CHICAGO—Sources in the Chicago metropolitan area confirmed Monday the existence of an extraordinary "business-man" imbued with the earning... more»

• New Report Calls For Radical Food Changes

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.01.09 | Infographic

  A joint report from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and the Trust For America's Health calls for the appointment of a food czar and the... more»

  

• Goran Suton

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.02.09 | Infographic

  Sarajevo-born Suton has provided one of the tournament's great stories while leading the Michigan State Spartans to the Final Four. Is he any good? more»

  

• Your Horoscopes

  ISSUE 45•14 | 03.31.09 | Horoscope

• Top Coffee Substitutes

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.01.09 | Statshot

  

• Dog Keeps Iceland Awake All Night

  ISSUE 45•14 | 03.30.07 | Radio News

• Family Dog Barking At Evil

  ISSUE 45•14 | 03.30.07 | Radio News

• Family Dog Suspected Cause Of Miniature Chuck Wagon Disaster

  ISSUE 45•14 | 03.30.07 | Radio News

• Area Man Really Should Do Something About That Shattered Thighbone

  ISSUE 45•14 | 03.30.09 | Radio News

• Another Piece Of Drum Kit Claimed By Recession

  ISSUE 45•14 | 03.31.09 | Radio News

• Sex-Crazed Dandelion Cross-Pollinates Entire Neighborhood

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.01.09 | Radio News

• Former Tallest Kid In Class Should Have Done More With It

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.02.09 | Radio News

• Arthritic Driver Finally Flips Off Pedestrian

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.03.09 | Radio News

• Times Square-Themed Store To Open In Disney World

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.04.09 | Radio News

• Florida Woman Getting Pale For Vacation In Minnesota

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.05.09 | Radio News

• Confused Firefighters Fail To Rescue Child Wearing Firefighter Costume

  ISSUE 45•14 | 03.31.09 | News in Photos

  

• History Channel Helicopter To Give Viewers Bird's Eye View Of History

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.04.09 | News in Photos

  

• The Only Way Out Of This Crisis Is To Build More Houses

  ISSUE 45•14 | 03.31.09 | Commentary

  Every time I turn on the TV, it's the same thing: Everybody's moaning on and on about the economy without offering any solutions. People are... more»

• Let's Go See The New Nicolas Cage Movie!

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.02.09 | Commentary

  Hey, you know what I'm in the mood for? A movie. I, like any regular non-famous person, work my buns off Monday through Friday at my nine-to-five... more»

• The Theme Song From Duck Tales And Why It's Now Stuck In Your Head

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.03.09 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Editorial Cartoon - March 30, 2009

  ISSUE 45•14 | 03.30.09 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Cheering Fans, Thrilling NCAA Tournament Disgust BCS Officials

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.02.09 | Sports News

  DETROIT—Claiming that determining an unquestioned national champion through a playoff system "went against the very idea of sporting competition," and that the sheer exuberance of college basketball fans was "a shocking and nauseating... more»

  

• Sean O'Hair Gains Revenge By Angrily Masturbating To Tiger Woods' Wife

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.02.09 | Sports News in Brief

  ORLANDO, FL—In a blatantly retaliatory act of self-gratification, Sean O'Hair avenged his disappointing loss in the Arnold Palmer... more»

  

• White College Player Does Hair Before Game

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.03.09 | Sports News in Brief

  DETROIT—Before playing in all of his games, North Carolina forward Tyler Hansbrough makes sure to look his most rakish by grooming and... more»

  

• Cubs To Continue Tradition Of Playing Baseball

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.04.09 | Sports News in Brief

  CHICAGO—The Chicago Cubs, an Illinois-based Major League Baseball club, has continued its rich tradition of sending nine players onto the... more»

  

• Injured Manu Ginobili Only Flopping At 85%

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.07.09 | Sports News in Brief

  SAN ANTONIO—Having returned Tuesday after missing 19 games with an ankle injury, Spurs guard Manu Ginobili expressed frustration with his... more»

  

• World's 467,357th-Ranked Tennis Player Working On Serving Overhand

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.08.09 | Sports News in Brief

  WEST PALM BEACH, FL—During a practice match at the Riviera Golf and Tennis Club with his wife, Gail, Tuesday, 54-year-old Steve Cohen, the... more»

  

• Great Comebacks From Injury

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.02.09 | Sportsgraphic

  Tiger Woods recently returned from knee surgery and resumed his domination of golf by beating Sean O'Hair at the Arnold Palmer Invitational. Here... more»

  

• 'SportsCenter' Adds 125 New Monitors To Set

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.02.09 | Photo Finish

  

• DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted Of Bear Attack

  ISSUE 45•14 | 03.30.09 | Newsroom

  Georgia police were so confident Marshall was the man who killed young Janet Kelly in a state bear preserve, they didn't investigate other suspects. more»

  

• Morning Show Host Starts Charity To Rid World Of Flying Debris

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.01.09 | Today Now!

  After her best friend was killed by flying debris, Today Now host Tracy Gill dedicated her life to protecting other people from wind-borne rubble. more»

  

• Army's Fat Recruit Problem

  ISSUE 45•14 | 03.30.09 | American Voices

  The U.S. Army has rejected 48,000 would-be recruits since 2005 for being over the weight limit. What do you think? more»

• Veep's Daughter In Cocaine Video?

  ISSUE 45•14 | 03.31.09 | American Voices

  A self-described "friend" of Vice President Joe Biden's daughter Ashley is attempting to sell for $250,000 a video in which the 27-year-old... more»

• Hefner Selling House Next To Playboy Mansion

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.01.09 | American Voices

  Playboy founder Hugh Hefner is selling the house he owns next to the Playboy Mansion for nearly $28 Million. What do you think? more»

• 'ER’ Draws To Close

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.02.09 | American Voices

  After 15 years, the NBC hospital drama ER is coming to an end tonight. What do you think? more»

• The Week In Review

  ISSUE 45•14 | 04.05.09 | Slideshow

  

• darkcloud

  Rain cloud following all residents of Wayne, ME today

• First 100 Days: Day 74

  DAY 74: Budget director Peter Orszag continues to refer to all of his policies as "Orszagian."

• Jesse

  Jesse Freetup, 25, died from injuries suffered during a lightning strike. Jesse was an avid fan of thunderstorms, golf, and climbing metal ladders.

  

• Better Looking Couple In Commercial Uses Correct Phone Company

• First 100 Days: Day 73

  DAY 73: Press Secretary Gibbs stumps the entire press corps when he responds to the question “How do we know the president didn’t call for the AIG bonuses himself?” with a question of his own: “How do we know that the entire universe isn't just some sleeping dog's dream?”

• MCLEAN, VA—Tim Newcomb, 43, patiently waited until after Brookstone's 3 p.m. shift change before returning to the store, audibly stating that he had never seen such a thing before, and then proceeding to sit in the massage chair for another half hour.

• Archer Daniels Midland

  CMT

  8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT

  Thirty more minutes of corn being shot into a huge silo.

• Tom

  Tom Kliman, 73, author of hundreds of intricate grocery lists, passed away of natural, non-grocery-related causes this Saturday.

  

• First 100 Days: Day 72

  DAY 72: Joe Biden accidentally drops his briefcase, which pops open to reveal a comb, a tube of Binaca, and a dog-eared copy of Oui.

• ESPN

  10 p.m - 10:30 p.m.

  On this week's Awesome Catches, Jimmy throws the ball into the air right before Mike jumps off the diving board.

• First 100 Days: Day 71

  DAY 71: The president exculpates Harrisburg, PA native Raymond La Forge during the traditional "pardoning of the fool" for April Fools’ Day.

• Area Man Didn't Know Restaurant Had Upstairs

• Nissan

  The Onion's review of the 2009 Nissan 370Z called the car's brakes "unreliable and unsafe." The brakes performed far better in subsequent, sober testing.

• HUNTSVILLE, AL—Hi Lo Hardware owner Ron Owens hung up the season's first strip of fly tape.

• April Fools Day Spent In Fear Of Biden

• First 100 Days: Day 70

  DAY 70: Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood visits Chicago to observe two guys changing a tire.

• Esther

  Esther Haplin, 84, passed away Wednesday at Meadow Nursing Home after a long illness. She is survived by ghouls who read the obituary pages.

  

• The Cheesecake Factory (CAKE)

  $11.4 $.32 (-2.7%) Share prices took a hit following reports that the restaurant's dining rooms would be redesigned to reflect a more authentic 20th-century factory atmosphere.

• Great Performances

  PBS

  8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT

  With a white scarf resting gently on his broad shoulders, Andrea Bocelli seduces your mother from the steps of the Colosseum.

• First 100 Days: Day 69

  DAY 69: In a drawn-out mating ritual, Eric Shinseki frantically chases a female Shinseki around the White House until, sufficiently impressed, the female acquiesces.

• Putrid Sounds Rise Up From Throat To Form Word 'Webisode'

• PHILADELPHIA, PA—Evangelical subway commuter Wayne Gannon, 48, bolted an aluminum fish emblem to his monthly pass.

• First 100 Days: Day 68

  DAY 68: WhiteHouse.gov administrators clear out nine people still hanging around in the online town hall.

• First 100 Days: Day 67

  DAY 67: Obama helps out coworker by taking a shift at the White House gift shop.