• 1996
• 1997
• 1998
• 1999
• 2000
• 2001
• 2002
• 2003
• 2004
• 2005
• 2006
• 2007
• 2008
• 2009
• 2010
• 2011
• 2012

• <<
• 02.09.09 |
• 02.16.09 |
• 02.23.09 |
• 03.02.09 |
• 03.09.09 |
• 03.16.09 |
• 03.23.09 |
• 03.30.09 |
• 04.06.09 |
• 04.13.09 |
• 04.20.09
• >>

Panicked, Sweat-Covered Pope Reverses Longstanding Ban On Abortion

• 2008 Tax Records Reveal Sasha Obama Made $136 In Allowance Money

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.07.09 | News

  WASHINGTON—The first daughter tried to dodge senators' questions by playing with her pigtails, leaving to use the bathroom, and asking what "personable accountability" means. more»

  

• Empowered Man Murders Controlling Wife In Lifetime For Men Original Movie

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.10.09 | News

  LOS ANGELES—The film chronicles the painful ordeal of a fun-loving mechanic who meets a seemingly perfect woman but must soon fight for his own life after she reveals herself to be a clingy, manipulative shrew. more»

  

• Boss Gets Into Groove After 3rd Round Of Layoffs

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.11.09 | News

  INDIANAPOLIS—Hank Strauss quickly established a natural firing rhythm on Friday afternoon, smoothly easing his employees into unemployment without stumbling once. more»

  

• Chinese Takeout Restaurant Has Seen Man At His Worst

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.06.09 | News in Brief

  BROOKLYN, NY—Employees at the Jade Kitchen 2 restaurant reportedly witnessed 28-year-old Dean Rumergant at his worst Monday, when the... more»

• Chinese Takeout Restaurant Thought It Had Seen Man At His Worst

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.07.09 | News in Brief

  BROOKLYN, NY—Despite thinking that they had witnessed 28-year-old Dean Rumergant at his absolute lowest Monday, employees of the Jade... more»

• Inept Coworker Increasingly Difficult To Fantasize About

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.08.09 | News in Brief

  INDIANAPOLIS—Vesco Systems analyst Arthur Ingraham told reporters Monday that it has become extremely difficult for him to fantasize about... more»

• Some Guy Who's Not Stephen Colbert To Deliver College's Commencement Speech

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.09.09 | News in Brief

  STATE COLLEGE, PA—Penn State students were devastated Monday to learn that their commencement speaker will be "some dork scientist" who... more»

• Blindfolded Panetta Shipped To Kabul In Hilarious CIA Hazing Ritual

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.09.09 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—As part of the agency's decades-long tradition of initiation, rookie CIA director Leon Panetta was gagged, blindfolded, and... more»

• Gated Community Interviews Dozens For Exclusive Drug Dealer Position

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.10.09 | News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—After interviewing nearly 50 applicants, board members of Canyon Hills, a planned community in Southern California, are... more»

• Celebrity Tax Deductions

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.07.09 | Infographic

  The only thing sure in life is death and taxes, even for celebrities. Here are some of the deductions famous Americans are... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.07.09 | Horoscope

• Giant Protest Puppet Kills Dozens Of Peace Drummers

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.06.09 | Radio News

• Global Economy Faces New Threat From Below

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.07.09 | Radio News

• Obama Accused of High-Sticking In Bicameral Hockey Playoffs

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.08.09 | Radio News

• Diabetic Roommate Uses All The Insulin Again

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.09.09 | Radio News

• Homeless To Phase Out Dimes By 2011

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.10.09 | Radio News

• Amateur Metallurgist Always Ready To Melt Things Down

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.11.09 | Radio News

• Belief In Guitar God Gets Area Guitarist Through Each Day

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.12.09 | Radio News

• Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.07.09 | News in Photos

  

• Alcohol Only Thing Making Operating Heavy Machinery Bearable

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.11.09 | News in Photos

  

• Stop Anthropomorphizing Me

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.07.09 | Commentary

  I know this is going to come across a bit harsh, but I want to get straight to the point. Speaking on behalf of myself and all other completely... more»

• The World's Most Terrifying Hook

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.09.09 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Editorial Cartoon - April 6, 2009

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.06.09 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Bill Bellamy Elected To Rock 'N' Jock Basketball Hall Of Fame

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.09.09 | Sports News

  LOS ANGELES—Coolio and Isaiah Rider were also selected by the Rock 'N' Jock Veterans Committee, which consists of Kenny Lofton and Boyz II Men. more»

  

• Phil Mickelson Has Perfect Comeback If Tiger Woods Makes Fun Of Him For Being Left-Handed

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.09.09 | Sports News in Brief

  AUGUSTA, GA—While warming up for the 2009 Masters Tournament, Phil Mickelson told reporters that he has come up with 'the perfect comeback'... more»

  

• Tim Duncan Hams It Up For Crowd By Arching Left Eyebrow Slightly

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.10.09 | Sports News in Brief

  SAN ANTONIO—Spurs forward Tim Duncan engaged in a rare display of showmanship during Tuesday's win over the Thunder, punctuating a 10-foot... more»

  

• Roster-Depleted Bears Sign Tire Swing For Cutler To Throw To

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.11.09 | Sports News in Brief

  CHICAGO—Anticipating that new Bears quarterback Jay Cutler will need more targets than converted cornerback Devin Hester and undersized... more»

  

• Mets Fans Perplexed By New Stadium's Prominent Tim Teufel Statue

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.13.09 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Although an undeniable atmosphere of excitement swirled around new Mets ballpark Citi Field at its unofficial opening Friday, many... more»

  

• New ESPN GameCast Feature Allows Your Team To Win

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.14.09 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—ESPN.com launched an updated version of its MLB GameCast feature Monday that automatically changes any game's outcome in favor of... more»

  

• Tax Preparation Tips

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.08.09 | Tips

  Apr. 15 is rapidly approaching, and if you haven't filed your taxes yet, you'd better get started on them. Here are some tips to help you... more»

  

• 25 Years Of WrestleMania

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.09.09 | Sportsgraphic

  To mark the silver anniversary of the greatest show in sports entertainment, we recognize the most spectacular moments from professional wrestling's biggest stage. more»

  

• Wayne Ellington

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.09.09 | Strongside/Weakside

  Congratulations to UNC's Ellington, the 2009 NCAA Tournament MVP. Is he any good or just one member of an invincible powerhouse? more»

  

• Tyler Hansbrough Takes Year Off To Play Basketball In Peace Corps

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.09.09 | Photo Finish

  

• Study: Children Exposed To Pornography May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.08.09 | In The Know

  Panelists discuss how pornography warps children's minds, leading them to believe sex is actually fun rather than shameful and embarrassing. more»

  

• Cyrus Doesn't Want 'Hannah Montana' Sequel

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.03.09 | American Voices

  Miley Cyrus, the singer and actress who plays children's favorite Hannah Montana, said that she can't see doing a sequel to her forthcoming film... more»

• Ono Auctions Sky Puzzle For Autism

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.06.09 | American Voices

  Artist and musician Yoko Ono is auctioning off a mural of the sky in 67 puzzle pieces to benefit autism research. What do you think? more»

• 2 Billionth Netflix Disc Shipped

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.07.09 | American Voices

  Online video rental source Netflix commemorated its two-billionth disc shipped, Nick And Norah's Infinite Playlist, by giving the recipient a... more»

• Press Allowed To Cover Return of Dead Soldiers

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.08.09 | American Voices

  For the first time in nearly 20 years, the media was permitted to witness a casket containing the body of a dead soldier arrive on U.S. soil. What do... more»

• Orlando Air Traffic Controllers Lack Experience

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.09.09 | American Voices

  According to the U.S. Department of Transportation, 47 percent of air traffic controllers at Orlando International Airport are in training for... more»

• Nation's Power Grid Hacked

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.10.09 | American Voices

  According to The Wall Street Journal, the U.S. electrical grid has been compromised by Russian and Chinese cyber-spies, putting the country's... more»

• Tickets Up, Concessions Down

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.17.09 | American Voices

  As movie ticket sales reverse the downward trend they've been experiencing in recent years, concession sales have been stagnant or lower. What do... more»

• The Week In Review

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.13.09 | Slideshow

  

• Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face

  ISSUE 45•15 | 04.06.09 | Tech Trends

  Experts say Close Range sets a new standard for first-person shooter games with its vivid graphics and endless stream of exploding faces. more»

  

• pouring_rain

  Just had to have your little "outdoor wedding" without a tent, didn't you?

• Man Feels Weird About Joining Open WiFi Connection 'WhiteNation456'

• First 100 Days: Day 84

  DAY 84: Joe Biden meets with Treasury Secretary Geithner to discuss economic policy and whether you need to pay taxes on an old suitcase full of money you happened to find in a park 15 years ago.

• First 100 Days: Day 82

  DAY 82: Although the leather-bound Mark Twain collection is very nice and all, Russian President Medvedev thought he made it clear that he wanted a Predator poster signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

• Mother's Anxiety Soothed By Anxious Phone Call From Son

• I'd Hit That

  SPIKE

  9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT

  From their bench in front of the Westfield Mall food court, 15-year-olds Mark Obst and Ted Baron judge whether or not they would do each and every female passing through their line of vision.

• First 100 Days: Day 81

  DAY 81: Al Franken sets up another game of Boggle.

• First 100 Days: Day 80

  DAY 80: Robert Gibbs lets a rookie reporter repeat his question a third time before savoring ripping him apart.

• Common-Law Wives Of Pulaski County

  BRAVO

  10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT

  Joyce and Barbie Dee vent over Chick-fil-A, while Leona has her inflammation checked at the traveling clinic.

• TOPEKA, KS—Instead of applying makeup this morning, sophomore Karen Hedley is just going to look really mean all day.

• First 100 Days: Day 79

  DAY 79: Secretary Of Transportation Ray LaHood simply wants to know which Metrorail line Secretary Of Commerce Gary Locke is blaming for his late arrival to the Cabinet meeting.

• ESPN2

  8 p.m - 10:30 p.m. Saturday

  Enterprise Rent-A-Car Presents exactly what you'd expect them to present: The NCAA Bowling Championship on ESPN2.

  

• First 100 Days: Day 78

  DAY 78: Hastily organizing the staff Passover seder, Rahm Emanuel informs Peter Orszag that he will sing the damned four questions whether he likes it or not.

• In The Paper?

  Dear The Onion,

  Hello? Am I in? Am I in the paper? Hold on...HONEY, COME IN HERE! Look, I'm in the newspaper. Right here, look, that's my name.

  J. Conino, Sarasota, FL

• Alien Parasite Can't Find Way Out Of Fat Astronaut

• Obama Sends Hillary To North Korea To Do That Condescending Nod Thing She Does

• ELKHART, IN—Gabe Testa, 33, is still deciding whether to tell his coworkers about the delicious mix of four different breakfast cereals he invented or whether to keep it as his special secret.

• First 100 Days: Day 77

  DAY 77: During an Agriculture Department staff meeting, the tension between Secretary Tom Vilsack and a nearby ear of corn becomes unbearable.

• G20 Nations Propose New Way To Divide Up Africa

• Groucho Marx Disguises Inc. (GMD)

  $24.1 $8.05 (-25%) The company's value plummeted after the unveiling of a newly retooled disguise featuring no mustache, an averaged-sized nose, and, in the place of thick black glasses, stylish wire frames.

• First 100 Days: Day 76

  DAY 76: Snipers on the White House roof watch the NCAA Championship through a window on M Street.

• The Late Show

  CBS

  11:30 p.m. EDT/10:30 p.m. CDT

  A 6-pound tub of Crisco floats. Who would've thought?

• Welcoming Landlord Covered In Bedbugs

• BRISTOL, CT—During a very special SportsCenter, college hoops savant Dick Vitale explained that the "it" in his catchphrase "It's awesome, baby!" is actually a reference to humanity, not college basketball.

• First 100 Days: Day 75

  DAY 75: The massive G20 protests that cost a man his life and British taxpayers $10 million in security are revealed to be a guerrilla marketing campaign for Cadbury Eggs.