Issue 4518 - 04.27.2009 | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

G-175 Nations Convene To Discuss How Things Can't Possibly Be Any Worse

HARARE, ZIMBABWE—"All those in favor of sighing loudly and looking around in desperation for any answer, please say yes," said Bangladeshi Prime Minister Sheikh Hasina.

…

Craigslist Server Contracts HPV

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.28.09 | News

SAN FRANCISCO—"We tried to ignore the signs, but every day more and more of those weird wart-looking things appeared on our home page," said a Craigslist developer. more»
Sherpa Who Led Neil Armstrong To Moon Dead At 71

ISSUE 45•18 | 05.01.09 | News

ST.PETERSBURG, FL—Following the well-worn path of his ancestors, Phurba Dorje, the lunar Sherpa, hauled dehydrated food and supplies as he led astronauts to the moon. more»
Area Girlfriend, Boyfriend Achieve Perfect Mother-Son Relationship

ISSUE 45•18 | 05.02.09 | News

PORTLAND, OR—After dating for nearly three years, area couple Peter Mazursky and Janet Hyams have finally achieved the perfect semblance of a mother-son relationship, sources close to the pair revealed Monday. more»
FEMA Unveils Nationwide Phone Tree In Case Of Emergency

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.27.09 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—The Federal Emergency Management Agency on Monday unveiled its new $48.2 million Phone Tree Response System, a program designed... more»
Lost Cat, Dog On Journey Die Immediately

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.28.09 | News in Brief

JACKSON, WY—After their owners inadvertently left them behind in Yellowstone National Park, Louie, a 4-year-old golden retriever, and Nipsy,... more»
'St. Elsewhere' PA Grilled By Howie Mandel's Biographer

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.29.09 | News in Brief

LOS ANGELES— Bryant Coleman, author of the forthcoming Howie Mandel biography Howie Did What He Did, spent three hours Monday... more»
New Video Game Technology Finally Allows Rendering Of Smaller Breasts

ISSUE 46•52 ISSUE 45•18 | 04.30.09 | News in Brief

LAS VEGAS—The buzz at this month's Consumer Electronics Show was all about a new breakthrough in the field of high-resolution 3-D graphics... more»
For Gay Couple, Fulfilling Lifelong Dream Of Marriage Not Worth Moving To Iowa

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.30.09 | News in Brief

NEW YORK—Having their sworn commitment to each other and all related rights therein recognized by the highest court of a sovereign U.S.... more»
Congress Working On Credit Card Reform

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.28.09 | Infographic

The House Financial Services Committee has approved a "Credit Cardholders' Bill of Rights" designed to control the detrimental habits of credit... more»
Your Horoscopes

ISSUE 45•18 | 05.01.09 | Horoscope
What Are We Finishing Since We've Been Laid Off?

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.29.09 | Statshot
Obama Maintains Cool Demeanor While Reading End Of 'Old Yeller' To Schoolkids

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.27.09 | Radio News
Jetliner Briefly Passes Through Heaven

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.28.09 | Radio News
Stunned Supporter Finally Leaves McCain Victory Party

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.29.09 | Radio News
Kidnappers Running Out Of Fingers To Send

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.30.09 | Radio News
Rookie Defense Attorney Takes Overruled Objection Personally

ISSUE 45•18 | 05.01.09 | Radio News
Mrs. Butterworth Scientists Engineer More Absorbent Pancake

ISSUE 45•18 | 05.02.09 | Radio News
Cat Given Benefit Of Doubt Again

ISSUE 45•18 | 05.03.09 | Radio News
Auction Won By Crab With $20 Stuck In Claw

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.28.09 | News in Photos
Renée Zellweger No Longer Renée Zellweger Type

ISSUE 45•18 | 05.02.09 | News in Photos
What The Hell Am I Supposed To Do With All These Constitutional Rights?

ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 45•18 | 04.28.09 | Commentary

Too much of one thing can cause a person a lot of stress, and you know what's stressing me out? All these rights guaranteed to me by the U.S.... more»
If You Ever Need Somebody To Stand Around And Not Contribute, You Know Where To Find Me

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.30.09 | Commentary

Look, we've been friends a long time, and this probably goes without saying, but I'm gonna say it anyway. I want you to know that anytime you... more»
The 10 Finalists Of Our Annual "Send Us $65" Contest

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.30.09 | Sunday Magazine
Editorial Cartoon - April 27, 2009

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.27.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Nation Dumbfounded As To Why Little-Leaguer's Favorite Player Is Chipper Jones

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.30.09 | Sports News

DANVILLE, IN—The U.S. populace reacted with confusion, astonishment, and mild disgust upon discovering that 12-year-old little-leaguer Jonathan Keefer's favorite major-league baseball player is none other than Atlanta Braves third baseman... more»
Screaming Albert Pujols Warns Baserunner Not To Step On His Herb Garden

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.30.09 | Sports News in Brief

ST. LOUIS—Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols frantically waved his arms and shouted several warnings at Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley... more»
NBA To Introduce Last-Second Shot Clock

ISSUE 45•18 | 05.01.09 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—In a move intended to create some semblance of excitement and add dramatic finishes to every game, NBA commissioner David Stern... more»
Stat-Minded Player Recalculating VORP Before Every At Bat

ISSUE 45•18 | 05.02.09 | Sports News in Brief

TORONTO—Always mindful of his contributions on offense, Blue Jays shortstop Marco Scutaro has been observed determining his precise value... more»
Harness Racing Movie Contends Life Is Like Harness Racing

ISSUE 45•18 | 05.04.09 | Sports News in Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a recent interview about his movie Loosing The Hopple, screenwriter Jason Chesley said that his story of a young... more»
Disease Hoping To Be Named After Ballplayer

ISSUE 45•18 | 05.05.09 | Sports News in Brief

BRANDON INGE—A thus-far undiscovered hantavirus inhabiting Tigers third baseman Brandon Inge confessed Tuesday that it would love to... more»
Notable Choke Jobs

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.30.09 | Sportsgraphic

The stunning upset is all well and good, but the disastrous collapse under pressure is just as big a part of sports. Some of the most... more»
Matt Stafford

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.30.09 | Strongside/Weakside

Big-armed Georgia quarterback Stafford was taken first overall in the NFL Draft by the Detroit Lions. But is he any good? more»
Retired Big Brown Given ESPN Commentator Position

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.30.09 | Photo Finish
Ambassador Stages Coup At UN, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.29.09 | Newsroom

Uganda's Ambassador is threatening to abolish the Committee on Conferences and author the draft calendar of conferences and meetings himself. more»
Autoworkers Compete to Keep Jobs, Livelihoods on New Reality Show

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.27.09 | Today Now!

On Auto Warriors two Ford plants will battle it out, building to the LIVE season finale event: one plant will close, 3,000 will get the axe! more»
Swine Flu Epidemic Hits U.S.

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.28.09 | American Voices

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano declared a public health emergency after a Mexican swine flu epidemic hit the United States. What do... more»
Air Force One Photo Op Shocks New Yorkers

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.29.09 | American Voices

The sight of Air Force One being trailed by a fighter jet low in the skies of downtown Manhattan sent thousands of workers and residents in the area... more»
Specter Switches Sides

ISSUE 45•18 | 04.30.09 | American Voices

Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter announced Tuesday that he was switching from the Republican Party to the Democratic Party. What do you think? more»
Supercomputer On 'Jeopardy'

ISSUE 45•18 | 05.01.09 | American Voices

IBM, the company that built master chess computer Deep Blue, is working on a new machine that developers hope can participate in Jeopardy.... more»
8.5% Of Young Video Gamers Addicted

ISSUE 45•18 | 05.04.09 | American Voices

The May edition of the journal Psychological Science contains a study that says 8.5 percent of young gamers play so much that it interferes... more»
The Week In Review

ISSUE 45•18 | 05.03.09 | Slideshow
sun

Record temperateness
NEEDLES, CA—While pretending to study for a math quiz last Tuesday evening, seventh-graders Laura Grann and Mike Santos got to second base.
SHAWNEE, OK—Going to work would be a lot easier for Tony Bryce if he didn't have the same, very specific vision of his own death every time he operated the grain auger.
EAU CLAIRE, WI—Massage therapist Greg Haley is waiting for his client to fall asleep so he can grab a smoke.
Student Asks Career Counselor How One Becomes A Regis Philbin
LAREDO, TX—Arriving in town with only a sense of justice and a .45, would-be vigilante Jim Stouffer was dismayed to find a far more peaceful place than the one Larry McMurtry described.
Substitute Preacher

ABC FAMILY

8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT

Holy man Timothy Straw (Richard Karn) is a "pastor of all trades," but this week he'll have his biggest "leap of faith" yet when he fills in for a Baptist minister at an all-black church. Will he "rise again" to the challenge, or does he not even have a "prayer"?
Morning After Romantic Night Ruined By Sight Of Rose Petals Stuck To Sweaty Husband's Back
April 30, 9AM

April 30 marks the one-year anniversary of the Bishops' move into the heart of Woodland Ridge. Congratulations! We are so happy that you have managed to fit in as well as you could.
ESPN, 4 p.m - 5 p.m. Saturday
Tonight's regularly scheduled episode of NFL Players: Underneath the Pads has been canceled due to the wealth of incriminating evidence shown on screen and will be replaced by highlights from the Kansas City Chiefs' 2004 season.
PEARL RIVER, NY—Darren Drespel was riveted when his eight and six-year-old sons' argument over the possession of a toy segued into a good, clean 13-round fight.
National Diet Of Japan

C-SPAN2

1 a.m. EDT/12 a.m. CDT

In an effort to ease the spiraling national debt, leaders of the House of Councillors and the House of Representatives interlock their ancient mystic amulets to awaken the mighty Yensuta, the magical revenue-collecting robot-dragon that resides inside Mount Fuji.
Copy Of Key To City Made For Girlfriend
First 100 Days: Day 100

DAY 100: Everything all fixed.
Water Supply

Last week, The Onion reported on a plot to poison the nation's water supply, a story that turned out to be false. You read it, you loved it, and now you're just pissed because it wasn't true. Anyway, The Onion regrets the error.
First 100 Days: Day 99

DAY 99: President Obama is relieved to find out that no one really pays attention to a president's second 100 days in office.
First 100 Days: Day 98

DAY 98: An ear of corn wakes up in the middle of the night screaming, "Vilsack!!"
May 2, 12 Midnight

Daughters of the American Revolution (DAR) will meet next Saturday at midnight under the new moon, in the New Holland cemetery next to the flagpole.
Wilson's Sporting Goods Co. (WSGC)

$1.10 $1.56 (-8.8%) When was the last time you bought a new tennis racket? Exactly.
First 100 Days: Day 97

DAY 97: Obama falls victim to the so-called "black presidents' curse," which holds that every African-American president will stub his toe trying to walk to the bathroom in the early morning hours of his 97th day in office.
Well, Duh!

SPIKE

9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT

Finally someone follows a bunch of strippers around, which Spike really should have started doing years ago.

sun

NEEDLES, CA—While pretending to study for a math quiz last Tuesday evening, seventh-graders Laura Grann and Mike Santos got to second base.

SHAWNEE, OK—Going to work would be a lot easier for Tony Bryce if he didn't have the same, very specific vision of his own death every time he operated the grain auger.

EAU CLAIRE, WI—Massage therapist Greg Haley is waiting for his client to fall asleep so he can grab a smoke.

Student Asks Career Counselor How One Becomes A Regis Philbin

LAREDO, TX—Arriving in town with only a sense of justice and a .45, would-be vigilante Jim Stouffer was dismayed to find a far more peaceful place than the one Larry McMurtry described.

Substitute Preacher

Morning After Romantic Night Ruined By Sight Of Rose Petals Stuck To Sweaty Husband's Back

April 30, 9AM

ESPN, 4 p.m - 5 p.m. Saturday Tonight's regularly scheduled episode of NFL Players: Underneath the Pads has been canceled due to the wealth of incriminating evidence shown on screen and will be replaced by highlights from the Kansas City Chiefs' 2004 season.

PEARL RIVER, NY—Darren Drespel was riveted when his eight and six-year-old sons' argument over the possession of a toy segued into a good, clean 13-round fight.

National Diet Of Japan

Copy Of Key To City Made For Girlfriend

First 100 Days: Day 100

Water Supply

First 100 Days: Day 99

First 100 Days: Day 98

May 2, 12 Midnight

Wilson's Sporting Goods Co. (WSGC)

First 100 Days: Day 97

Well, Duh!

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ESPN, 4 p.m - 5 p.m. Saturday
Tonight's regularly scheduled episode of NFL Players: Underneath the Pads has been canceled due to the wealth of incriminating evidence shown on screen and will be replaced by highlights from the Kansas City Chiefs' 2004 season.