Issue 4520 - 05.11.2009 | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Chicken-Shit Asteroid Veers Away At Last Minute

TUCSON, AZ—"This potential extinction-level event turned out to be a puss-out of cosmic proportions," explained Dr. Richard Kowalski. "Earth didn't even flinch."

…

Detroit Mayor Throws First Brick In Glass-Breaking Ceremony For New Slum

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.12.09 | News

DETROIT—After three years of construction and nearly $23,000 in public funds, the rat-infested, crime-ridden development will provide unendurable living conditions for thousands of qualifying residents. more»
Nike Introduces New Intercourse Shoe

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.15.09 | News

BEAVERTON, OR—According to a Nike press release, the Air Fornicator's revolutionary midsole component works to adapt to the user’s pelvic motions and cushions the overall shock of repetitive grinding. more»
Area Mom, Jerry To Wed

ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 45•20 | 05.16.09 | News

HARRISBURG, PA—"You remember Jerry," Mom said in a long-distance telephone call to her youngest son, Daniel Schickele, 29. "He bought you that variety tin of popcorn last Christmas." more»
Classmates.com Employees Don't Have Heart To Tell CEO About Facebook

ISSUE 46•52 ISSUE 45•20 | 05.11.09 | News in Brief

SEATTLE—Employees at Classmates.com—an online service that enables users to find and communicate with people from their past for a... more»
Report: Majority Of Pay Phone Conversations Begin, End In Tears

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.12.09 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—A new study by the Federal Communications Commission has determined that as many as 81 percent of all calls made over pay phones... more»
Bitchy Girlfriend Just Asking For Anne Hathaway To Swoop In, Steal Man Away

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.13.09 | News in Brief

ST. CLOUD, MN—According to concerned sources, Jill Sagert, 29—a prissy, uptight lawyer who doesn't realize what a great guy her... more»
Life Choices Leading Area Man To Career In Self-Storage

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.14.09 | News in Brief

ATHENS, GA—Unbeknownst to struggling sculptor Thomas Cleary, 28, several of his life choices are inevitably leading him closer to a career... more»
Israeli PM Debuts New Road Map For Continued Strife

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.14.09 | News in Brief

JERUSALEM—In a historic speech before the U.N. Tuesday, newly elected Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu unveiled a comprehensive... more»
Grandmother's Folksy Sayings Delay Senility Detection For Years

ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 45•20 | 05.15.09 | News in Brief

CLARE, MI—Despite losing the last of her mental faculties in 2004, Mary Parise, 89, avoided being committed to an elder-care facility until... more»
Revitalizing The GOP

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.12.09 | Infographic

The defection of Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter from the Republicans to the Democrats has left the GOP without enough members to filibuster,... more»
Your Horoscopes

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.12.09 | Horoscope
What Awards Are We Hanging In Our Office?

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.13.09 | Statshot
New Jimmy Buffett Song 'Cold Weather and Personal Responsibility' Disappoints Longtime Fans

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.12.07 | Radio News
Area Bassist Fellated

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.12.07 | Radio News
Bluesman Claims Yemen Done Him Wrong

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.12.07 | Radio News
Rappers MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice Sign Apartment Lease

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.12.07 | Radio News
Pacific Island Volcano Erupts With Force Of 300 Vin Diesels

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.10.09 | Radio News
Those Damn Bluegrass Players At It Again

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.11.09 | Radio News
U.S. Interstate System To Create One Massive Rest Area

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.12.09 | Radio News
College Student Gradually Becomes Townie

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.13.09 | Radio News
Space Station Crew Members Deny Throwing Things At Sweden

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.14.09 | Radio News
Auto Dealer Saving All The Good Cars For Himself

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.15.09 | Radio News
Paranoid Optimist Just Knows Someone Is Out To Get Him A Present

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.16.09 | Radio News
New 26-Foot Micro Marathon Hailed As Future of Running

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.17.09 | Radio News
President Obama Vetoes Mutant Registration Act

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.18.09 | Radio News
CIA Capture The Flag Game Inadvertently Overthrows President Hugo Chavez

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.19.09 | Radio News
Marijuana Legalized 2 Days After Advocates Put On Neckties

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.20.09 | Radio News
New Strain Of Alan Starzinski Flu Traced Back To Alan Starzinski

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.21.09 | Radio News
Chinese Stuff Live Panda Into Time Capsule

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.22.09 | Radio News
Run-Down Amusement Park Owner Now Lives Out Of Bumper Car

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.23.09 | Radio News
Nation Gears Up For Annual Carny Migration

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.24.09 | Radio News
RC Car Works Up Courage To Approach Group Of Girls

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.12.09 | News in Photos
Judge Pumps Self Up Before Verdict By Listening To Andrew W.K.

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.16.09 | News in Photos
There's Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself, And Also Me, The Ghost Of Franklin Delano Roosevelt

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.12.09 | Commentary

My fellow Americans, it is time to speak the truth, the whole truth, frankly and boldly. We must not shrink from honestly facing the harsh... more»
Who Dumped Who? Or Is It Whom? 10 Common Grammar Mistakes

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.14.09 | Sunday Magazine
Ask A Wife Helping Her Husband Back A Camper Into A Park Site

ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 45•20 | 05.14.09 | Advice

Dear Wife Helping Her Husband Back a Camper into a Park Site, My parents are getting to that age when they need a little more... more»
Editorial Cartoon - May 11, 2009

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.11.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Manny Ramirez: 'Am I In Trouble?'

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.14.09 | Sports News

LOS ANGELES—According to his teammates, his coaches, and the media, Manny Ramirez has appeared visibly confused and anxious since receiving a 50-game suspension for violating Major League Baseball's drug policy. more»
Brett Favre Mails Arm To Vikings

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.14.09 | Sports News in Brief

HATTIESBURG, MS—Retired quarterback Brett Favre mailed his throwing arm to the Vikings Tuesday, sending the record-setting limb to the... more»
Ron Artest Tells Reporters He Lives For The NBA Playoffs, Coconut Shrimp

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.15.09 | Sports News in Brief

LOS ANGELES—With his team down 3-2 to the Lakers in the Western Conference Semifinals, Rockets forward Ron Artest explained in a postgame... more»
Gwendolyn Monroe Mourns Death Of Ex-Husband Dom DiMaggio

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.16.09 | Sports News in Brief

LOS ANGELES—As news of Dom DiMaggio's death spread throughout the baseball world, few took the news as hard as the former Red Sox's one-time... more»
Bill Laimbeer Reverently Elbows Chuck Daly's Coffin Into Grave

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.18.09 | Sports News in Brief

JUPITER, FL—Beloved NBA and Olympic coach Chuck Daly, who passed away May 9 after a battle with pancreatic cancer, was laid to rest by... more»
Steelers Jersey Worn To Pirates Game

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.19.09 | Sports News in Brief

PITTSBURGH—Despite the football season having ended nearly five months ago, and the absence of Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward... more»
Tiger's Slump

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.14.09 | Sportsgraphic

Despite one great come-from-behind tournament win, Tiger Woods has not been the same golfer since returning from surgery. Some signs he's not... more»
Zack Greinke

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.14.09 | Strongside/Weakside

The Royals pitcher overcame depression to start this season off with a huge string of wins. Is he any good? more»
Startled Glen Davis Retracts Head Into Body

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.14.09 | Photo Finish
Congressman's Son Won't Shut The Hell Up During Hearing

ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 45•20 | 05.13.09 | O-SPAN

Congressman Eisley conducts hearing on Market Data Protection Reform, restrains self from murdering five year old son. more»
Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq

ISSUE 47•52 ISSUE 45•20 | 05.11.09 | Today Now!

Appointed by Bush in 2003 to distract from the horrors of war, Liberty's antics turned fatal yesterday when he cart-wheeled into a roadside bomb. more»
Military's Gay Policy Being Reevaluated

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.12.09 | American Voices

The Obama administration is in the early stages of revamping the policy for gays in the military. What do you think? more»
Graduating Seniors Face Bleak Job Market

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.13.09 | American Voices

With the country in the grips of a deep recession, college students will be graduating in a bad job market. What do you think? more»
Statue Of Liberty's Crown Reopening

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.14.09 | American Voices

Beginning July 4, the crown of the Statue of Liberty will be open to the public for the first time since Sept. 11, 2001. What do you think? more»
Craigslist Stops Running Erotic Services Ads

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.15.09 | American Voices

In light of recent controversy, including the case of the "Craigslist killer," the Internet classified service announced it was eliminating its... more»
Cow Genome Outlined

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.18.09 | American Voices

After six years of work, 300 scientists have unraveled the bovine genome, which may lead to better milk and meat production. What do you... more»
Class In America

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.13.09 | Slideshow
The Week In Review

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.17.09 | Slideshow
rain

Better bring the servant that holds an umbrella over your head
NEW YORK CITY, NY—The aroma of a freshly opened can of Play-Doh sent a Hasbro executive into a Proustian reverie, back to the day his parents divorced.
JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Happily married, 100 percent heterosexual father of three Dennis Marfang had that doggone dream again.
Man Reaches Point In Text Messaging Where He Must Stop Walking
CARMEL, CA—Stray dogs have been leaving town at an alarming rate, signaling that an earthquake or dog convention is imminent.
Dennis

Dennis Leahy, 17, died Tuesday after falling into a ditch, which was exactly where his mother worried he would pass away.
Alabama Nights

FOX

8:30 p.m. EDT/7:30 p.m. CDT

Just when you think the Lynyrd Skynyrd song is going to fade out so you can hear what the characters are saying, it picks back up again, playing on repeat for the entirety of the episode.
Audience’s Disbelief Thrashing Against Gates Of Suspension
Julie

After dumping her boyfriend, moving to a new city, and getting herself a sassy set of bangs, 24-year-old Julie Mahoney declared the old Julie dead, and reinvented herself as the new and improved "Julz."
The Man With No Gun

CBS

9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT

Each week, The Stranger rides into a lawless frontier town and is driven off within minutes.
Local Man Not Sure Who To Take From Prom This Year
MLB Network, 8 p.m - 10 p.m. Friday
The baseball network crosses their collective fingers and hopes they get to air Silver Sluggers: Albert Pujols before any steroid allegations come to light.
Larry

Lawrence "Larry" Purplenski died in his sleep last night, surrounded by friends and family. Mr. Purplenski was the inventor of the stimpler, a device that looks like a stapler but emits a fragrant, nonadhesive goo.
Uncorked

Last Friday's "Uncorked" feature should have stated that the 2005 Louis Jadot Beaujolais-Villages pairs perfectly with roast duck in plum sauce, not fig-braised lamb shank, as was printed. The Onion apologizes to those who heeded the incorrect advice and suffered through a less than satisfactory pairing.
Eating For One

NBC

9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT

Debra lives the single life in Chicago and never lets you forget she's all alone, thanks to her many passive-aggressive jokes.
Imaginary Friend Sure Knows A Lot About Burning Down Homes
GOP Struggling To Appeal To Goddamn Hispanics
Cool Magnet Tricks

A&E

7 p.m. EDT/6 p.m. CDT

Host Criss Angel teaches you how to make a compass with stuff you can find around the house.
Area Man Asked For Opinion Out Of Pity

rain

NEW YORK CITY, NY—The aroma of a freshly opened can of Play-Doh sent a Hasbro executive into a Proustian reverie, back to the day his parents divorced.

JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Happily married, 100 percent heterosexual father of three Dennis Marfang had that doggone dream again.

Man Reaches Point In Text Messaging Where He Must Stop Walking

CARMEL, CA—Stray dogs have been leaving town at an alarming rate, signaling that an earthquake or dog convention is imminent.

Dennis

Alabama Nights

Audience’s Disbelief Thrashing Against Gates Of Suspension

Julie

The Man With No Gun

Local Man Not Sure Who To Take From Prom This Year

MLB Network, 8 p.m - 10 p.m. Friday The baseball network crosses their collective fingers and hopes they get to air Silver Sluggers: Albert Pujols before any steroid allegations come to light.

Larry

Uncorked

Eating For One

Imaginary Friend Sure Knows A Lot About Burning Down Homes

GOP Struggling To Appeal To Goddamn Hispanics

Cool Magnet Tricks

Area Man Asked For Opinion Out Of Pity

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MLB Network, 8 p.m - 10 p.m. Friday
The baseball network crosses their collective fingers and hopes they get to air Silver Sluggers: Albert Pujols before any steroid allegations come to light.