Issue 4520

Nike Introduces New Intercourse Shoe

BEAVERTON, OR—According to a Nike press release, the Air Fornicator's revolutionary midsole component works to adapt to the user’s pelvic motions and cushions the overall shock of repetitive grinding.

Tiger's Slump

Despite one great come-from-behind tournament win, Tiger Woods has not been the same golfer since returning from surgery. Some signs he's not...

Zack Greinke

The Royals pitcher overcame depression to start this season off with a huge string of wins. Is he any good?

Manny Ramirez: 'Am I In Trouble?'

LOS ANGELES—According to his teammates, his coaches, and the media, Manny Ramirez has appeared visibly confused and anxious since receiving a 50-game suspension for violating Major League Baseball's drug policy.

Revitalizing The GOP

The defection of Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter from the Republicans to the Democrats has left the GOP without enough members to filibuster,...
End Of Section
  • More News

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.