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New Terminator Movie Brings J.D. Salinger Out Of Hiding

• Michelle Obama's Arms Meet With Sri Lankan Refugees

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.09.09 | News

  VAVUNIYA, SRI LANKA—Refugees said they were awed by the dignity and grace of the limbs, lauding the lack of "bat-wing fat" that plagues so many middle-aged arms. more»

  

• Underfunded Scientists Force Lipstick-Covered Rat With Cancer To Run Through Maze

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.12.09 | News

  SONOMA, CA—The lab's shoestring budget, which forces scientists to conduct experiments in the facility's kitchenette, has inspired serendipitous discoveries. more»

  

• Middle-Age Center Provides Safe, Positive Place For Fortysomethings To Go After Work

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.13.09 | News

  OMAHA, NE—Daniel Harger, the program's director, offers special attention for latchkey adults—those who come home to an empty house after an eight-hour shift. more»

  

• Abortion Doctor's Murder Sparks Waves Of Calm, Rational Discussion

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.05.09 | News in Brief

  WICHITA, KS—The cold-blooded murder of late-term abortion doctor George Tiller, 67, who was gunned down last week by a pro-life activist... more»

• 17-Year-Old Thinks She's Getting Into Photography

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.08.09 | News in Brief

  EUGENE, OR—After wasting an afternoon taking pictures of a broken tricycle, moss on trees, and the shadow of a wrought-iron fence, Churchill... more»

• Mom Really Funny Today

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.09.09 | News in Brief

  KENSINGTON, MD—Local teens James Ripley, 17, and David Ripley, 14, expressed surprise today when their mother, 47-year-old Cynthia Ripley... more»

• Elderly Man Skipping Work Uses 'Dead Grandson' Excuse Again

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.10.09 | News in Brief

  SARATOGA, FL—Arousing the suspicions of his boss, senior fry-cook Harold Mason, 72, cited the death of yet another grandchild in order to... more»

• Bee Stuck Between Screen Door, Front Door Going Fucking Nuts

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.11.09 | News in Brief

  HUNTSVILE, AL—Users of the front door at 1418 Sycamore Avenue report the appearance of a common bumblebee ricocheting back and forth between... more»

• Machiavellian White House Groundskeeper Gaining Influence Among West Wing Staff

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.12.09 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—In one of the most startling horticultural power plays to strike the executive branch in years, conniving groundskeeper Irv... more»

• Landmark Gay Rights Cases

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.09.09 | Infographic

  With New Hampshire becoming the sixth state to legalize same-sex marriage, gay rights have come a long way in the past 100 years. Here are some... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.09.09 | Horoscope

• Gay Icons In History

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.10.09 | Statshot

  

• Russia Takes Control Of Struggling Burger King Chain

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.08.09 | Radio News

• Neighbor Report Calls Them Walker Boys No Damn Good

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.09.09 | Radio News

• Son Remembers Time When It Was Father Throwing Him In The Air

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.10.09 | Radio News

• Honest Pizza Place Admits To Making 19th Best Pizza

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.11.09 | Radio News

• 35 Years Of Manhood Summoned To Open Tight Bottle Cap

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.12.09 | Radio News

• Meat Shelf Breaks Free Of Iowa

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.13.09 | Radio News

• Health-Conscious State Fair To Offer Steamed Twinkies

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.14.09 | Radio News

• Bored Predator Drone Pumps A Few Rounds Into Mountain Goat

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.09.09 | News in Photos

  

• New Film Only Stars One Eddie Murphy

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.10.09 | News in Photos

  

• White Castle Bathroom Stall Celebrates 5th Conception

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.13.09 | News in Photos

  

• But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.09.09 | Commentary

  I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I... more»

• This Space Camp Looks A Lot Like Fat Camp

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.11.09 | Commentary

  Wow. I can't believe I'm really here. When I told my parents that I wanted to go to space camp, I never thought they'd actually agree. Especially... more»

• Ants

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.12.09 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Editorial Cartoon - June 8, 2009

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.08.09 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Nation Desperately Seeks Sportswriters' Opinions On Kobe Bryant

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.11.09 | Sports News

  LOS ANGELES—As Kobe Bryant leads the Lakers against the Magic in the NBA Finals, fans are seeking the expert views of top sportswriters for help in formulating an opinion on the 11-time all-star. more»

  

• Following 300th Victory, Randy Johnson Returns Healthy Back To Local Man

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.11.09 | Sports News in Brief

  SAN FRANCISCO—After recording his 300th career victory on June 4, Giants pitcher Randy Johnson returned the back he had borrowed for use in... more»

  

• Orlando Assistant Coach Patrick Ewing Counsels Dwight Howard On How To Lose NBA Title

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.12.09 | Sports News in Brief

  ORLANDO, FL—Since the NBA Finals began, Magic assistant coach Patrick Ewing has been sharing his vast knowledge of how to lose the title... more»

  

• Roy Halladay Gives Press Conference To Empty Room

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.13.09 | Sports News in Brief

  TORONTO—Immediately after pitching a complete game shutout for his league-leading 10th win Sunday, Blue Jays ace Roy "Doc" Halladay retired... more»

  

• Chatter Down 10 Percent

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.15.09 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—The usage of common baseball chatter, including phrases like "Heybattabatta" and "Swingbattabatta," is down among teams at all... more»

  

• Bassmaster Somehow Has Huge Comeback

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.16.09 | Sports News in Brief

  KENTUCKY LAKE, TN—Despite being behind in the catching of fish going into the final segment or round or whatever of last weekend's... more»

  

• Historically Bad Sportsmanship

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.11.09 | Sportsgraphic

  LeBron James raised some eyebrows when he walked off the court without shaking hands with the Magic, but it was hardly the worst display of... more»

  

• Mets vs. Yankees

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.11.09 | Keys To The Matchup

  What's crucial and what's not in this early-season Subway-non-World Series. more»

  

• Jack Nicholson Enjoying New Center Court Seats

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.11.09 | Photo Finish

  

• Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.08.09 | Newsroom

  Obama will abandon complex policies on emissions, clean coal and refocus on achievable goals like applying deodorant daily, learning what to say when you burp. more»

  

• Congressman Demands To Know Who Left Fish Sandwich To Rot On House Floor

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.11.09 | O-SPAN

  Rep. McCullough cannot even fathom the amount of contempt you'd have to hold for Congress, the American people to do something so inconsiderate. more»

  

• Palm Pre Released

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.08.09 | American Voices

  Dubbed by some as "the iPhone killer," Palm released its Sprint-exclusive touch-screen phone, the Pre on Saturday. What do you think? more»

• 'Billy Elliot' Wins 10 Tonys

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.09.09 | American Voices

  With 10 awards, the musical of the film Billy Elliot dominated the 63rd Tony Awards. What do you think? more»

• More People Committing Insurance Fraud

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.10.09 | American Voices

  According to the National Insurance Crime Bureau, suspicious vehicle fires are up 27 percent, staged car accidents are up 34 percent, and suspicious... more»

• FDA To Regulate Tobacco

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.11.09 | American Voices

  The Senate passed a bill that would allow the Food and Drug Administration to regulate the sale of cigarettes and would prohibit the use of terms... more»

• Miss California Loses Crown

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.12.09 | American Voices

  Controversial Miss California Carrie Prejean lost her title for contract violations that included missing official pageant events. What do you... more»

• The Week In Review

  ISSUE 45•24 | 06.09.09 | Slideshow

  

• heat-wave

  Testing out the Heat Chart, a cheaper Heat Index alternative. Today's reading is 31

• Maggie

  Maggie Bowler, 23, has remained unmoved by the romantic prowess of three laborers on the West 47th Street construction site, though it has not been ruled out that she's just too stuck up to see what's good for her.

  

• Mother

  Last week, your mother clipped out and mailed you an article from our Health section that stressed the importance of regular dental checkups. The Onion regrets its small role in your mother's ceaseless over-parenting.

• Pregnancy Makes Wedding Dress Too Small For Prom

• Earring

  Karl Johnson has a hole in his right ear that could house an earring.

  

• HOUSTON, TX—Based on the catalogs that continue to arrive in her mailbox, Sarah Diez is pretty sure that her apartment's previous tenant, Vincent Liu, was a conservatively dressed cat owner with a taste for gourmet popcorn.

• I-70 Truckers

  HISTORY

  9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT

  Tonight: Jeremy tracks retread debris across western Ohio, Clint catches some quick shut-eye on the shoulder of a Flagler, CO off-ramp, and Big Frank blasts his horn in exchange for a flash from two coeds in the back of a Jeep Wrangler.

• Thursday, 9:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m.

  Tonight on Yankeeography: Longtime Yankee Will Ferrell.

  

• Joe Biden Emboldened By Online IQ Score

• Period

  The final period from the final sentence from the final story in the last issue was missing. Here it is now: .

• America's Next Top Model

  CW

  8 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT

  Host Tyra Banks wears sunglasses for the entire 44-minute episode, then asks each contestant to tell her how this made them feel.

• Complaint About Food Prefaced By Exoneration Of Waitress

• Bathhouse

  After three years of frequent visits to the bathhouse, Kevin Lynch's story about his own bathtub being broken is beginning to ring false.

  

• PORTLAND, OR—Though she initially panicked after losing her briefcase in a cab, Whitney Adams then remembered she’d been fired yesterday and had bigger problems anyway.

• Netflix (NFLX)

  $38.2 $2.54 (-6.2%) Share prices took a hit after the recent late delivery of The Last Of The Mohicans to Newark resident Arnold Riverson.

• Nightline

  ABC

  11:30 p.m. EDT/10:30 p.m. CDT

  When an interview with Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA) becomes dull, co-anchor Cynthia McFadden reaches for a volume on her guest's bookshelf.

• WILKES-BARRE, PA—The only two guys in Wilkes-Barre wearing Telsa T-shirts walked right past each other without making eye contact.

• Master Of Ceremonies Clearly Dating Next Performer