Issue 4532

Michael Vick

Vick is attempting to return to football after two tumultuous years. Teams considering signing him should keep these factors in mind.

Deliberate Bystander

NBC 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT An ordinary man is blessed with the extraordinary ability to foresee tragedies and arrive just in time to witness, but not avert, them.

Solitary Crow On Fence Post Portending Doom, Analysts Warn

GREELEY, NE—Despite the deployment of a $14 billion crow task force to monitor the bird, the sudden snapping of a twig, coupled with the creaking of a nearby weather vane, sent a group of CIA, FBI, Interior Department, and Fermilab investigators running for cover.

New York Fighting Homelessness

New York City is currently offering its homeless a one-way flight to a city where they have relatives with whom they can stay. What else is the...


NBC 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT While downloading subliminal government secrets into his brain, Chuck enjoys a fresh-toasted Subway Chicken & Bacon Ranch sub, made with melted Monterey cheddar cheese, all-white meat chicken breast strips, bacon strips, lettuce,...
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Umpire Disgusted By Catcher, Batter Flirting With Each Other

CLEVELAND—Following Tuesday night's game between the Twins and the Indians, home-plate umpire Sam Holbrook told reporters he was "getting nauseous" while watching Twins catcher Joe Mauer and Indians center fielder Grady Sizemore playfully giggle, tease, and brush up against each another during Sizemore's at bats. "Get a room," said Holbrook, who imitated the players with cartoonishly high-pitched voices and then pretended to vomit. "At one point, [Sizemore] called a time-out so he could stare into [Mauer's] eyes. That's not baseball. Plus, it's just plain gross." In a press conference after the game, Twins manager Ron Gardenhire spoke out on behalf of Mauer and Sizemore and claimed that flirting with your opponents "is and has always been part of the game."

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