Tom Coughlin Moves Up Ahmad Bradshaw On Team's Death Chart

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Issue 4533

Mom Has Some Wild New Ideas For Dressing Son This Year

TIGARD, OR—"Well, you know how boys are," said Karen Dougherty, as she carefully hemmed the cuffs on a pair of baby-blue corduroys. "If Michael had his way, he'd probably run out the door every day in a T-shirt, jeans, and sneakers.

Moving On Up…To The Cheap Side!

Well, hello there, loyal readers. So good of you to drop by. Please, won't you step into the foyer? Or at least point to it and tell me where it...

Mark Teixeira

Mark Teixeira is posting MVP-like numbers in his first year with the Yankees. But is he any good?

News Corp. Losing Money

Last week, News Corp.—the parent company of Fox News, 20th Century Fox, the Fox broadcast network, the New York Post, and other media...

Sci-Fi Writer Attributes Everything Mysterious To 'Quantum Flux'

ROLLA, MO—A reading of Gabriel Fournier's The Eclipse Of Infinity reveals that the new science-fiction novel makes more than 80 separate references to "quantum flux," a vaguely defined force the author uses to advance the plot, resolve conflict as needed, and account for dozens of glaring inconsistencies.
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Tom Coughlin Moves Up Ahmad Bradshaw On Team's Death Chart

NEW YORK—Giants coach Tom Coughlin listed Ahmad Bradshaw at the top of the team's death chart Tuesday, claiming that if the running back continued to miss blocking assignments and drop screen passes, he would face certain execution by opening day. "From what I've seen so far in camp, Ahmad has been messing up on all the little things that infuriate me," said Coughlin, adding that Bradshaw's consistency at practice earned him the top spot on the death chart ahead of linebacker Antonio Pierce, who has recently struggled with legal troubles. "He's really left a lasting impression on me, and if he keeps it up, he'll definitely be the guy that the other players are gunning for." Coughlin reportedly allowed Bradshaw to take the morning off from Wednesday's practice to say goodbye to loved ones and finish digging his grave.