Batting Doughnut Creator Still On Cutting Edge Of Making-Bats-Feel-Lighter-Than-They-Are-For-A-Few-Seconds Technology

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Batting Doughnut Creator Still On Cutting Edge Of Making-Bats-Feel-Lighter-Than-They-Are-For-A-Few-Seconds Technology

ST. LOUIS—At a press conference Wednesday, James Santangeli, inventor of the 16-oz. batting doughnut, assured reporters, baseball players, and general weight enthusiasts that he and his team of engineers continued to lead the way in the field of using something heavy to make something else feel briefly lighter by comparison. "We've got some exciting new doughnuts coming out, including a blue one that that makes the bat feel 0.1-oz. lighter for about 0.3 seconds longer," said Santangeli, adding that a typical batting doughnut makes a bat feel lighter for 8.74 seconds. "We're also working on a green model, a yellow model, a striped model, and even a purple one for softball. When it comes to doughnut-shaped weights and their important role in the heaviness-displacement paradigm, none of our competitors even come close." Santangeli admitted that his firm has also experimented with a reverse weight that would make bats feel heavier, but it tested poorly with players.

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