Shrewd Umpire Not About To Be Fooled By Catcher Moving Glove Into Strike Zone

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Issue 4538

Troy Polamalu All Over Orthopedic Clinic

PITTSBURGH—Steelers safety Troy Polamalu reportedly wreaked havoc on the Tri-State Orthopedics Clinic Monday, flailing around wildly on his crutches and violently knocking over unsuspecting physical therapy patients while rehabilitating the sprained medial collateral ligament in his left knee.

Melting Ice Caps Expose Hundreds Of Secret Arctic Lairs

ZACKENBERG RESEARCH STATION, GREENLAND—According to oceanographers, the Arctic Circle has been devastated by the effects of global warming in recent years, threatening hundreds of men and women who use the frozen tundra as a place to conduct bizarre experiments in human-animal grafting or carry out massive government cover-ups.

Outrageous Pictionary Drawing To Go Down In Area Family Lore

IONIA, MI—At the time, no one predicted the dramatic finish that many now expect will be permanently chronicled in the annals of Anderson family lore, perhaps surpassing in its tellings the legendary occasion upon which Grandma Florence did the chicken dance at Cousin Marcia's wedding.
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Shrewd Umpire Not About To Be Fooled By Catcher Moving Glove Into Strike Zone

SAN FRANCISCO—In a statement issued after Wednesday night's Rockies-Giants contest, home plate umpire Laz Diaz warned all catchers around the league that he is "onto their little game," and is easily able to tell when they slyly move their glove into the strike zone after catching a pitch off the plate. "You catchers seem to think that I was born yesterday," the statement, which called the catchers' tactics "dishonest, immature, and tantamount to cheating," read in part. "Some of you even believe you can fool me by holding your glove there for an extra long time, as if to say, 'See, I'm holding it here like this because it was a strike.' Well, this umpire is not falling for that. Not today, not ever." Diaz further stated that a batter who removes his elbow protector, drops his bat, and begins heading to first base will never coax him into calling ball four.