Cyberball Robot Player's Union Says Lockout Likely In 2073 Season

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Issue 4540

Reds Cut Magic Number To 17

CINCINNATI—Trailing the first-place Cardinals by only 15 games with less than a week to go in the regular season, the Cincinnati Reds cut their magic number down to 17 with a win over St. Louis Tuesday.

Town Proud Of Water Tower

RICE, MN—Local residents reported Monday that the 157-foot-tall water tower in the center of town was the finest water storage structure in...

Shell Executives Accuse Oil-Covered Otter Of Playing It Up

OAK HARBOR, WA—"He's fine," said Shell president Marvin Odum. "Trust me, before all of the cameras and reporters showed up, our little buddy here was having no problem at all cleaning himself off. Now, all of a sudden, it's severe spastic convulsions this and complete kidney failure that."

Obama Addresses U.N.

Last week, President Barack Obama addressed the U.N. General Assembly. Here are some of the highlights of his speech: "Who...

Nation Demands Fresh Celebrity Meat

HOLLYWOOD, CA—""We can no longer subsist on Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears," read a statement from Citizens for Renewed Celebrity Consumption. "These fetid idols are mere shreds of their former selves, and we grow hungrier for a new crop of stars on which to feast."

Pepsi To Cease Advertising

PURCHASE, NY—PepsiCo sent shockwaves through the carbonated beverage industry Monday when the multibillion dollar corporation announced that it would cease all advertising of its popular soda product, effective immediately.
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Cyberball Robot Player's Union Says Lockout Likely In 2073 Season

EARTH—DR-66, the Variable Representative Unit for the ICBL Robot Players Union, announced Monday that collective-bargaining agreement negotiations had malfunctioned, forcing Cyberball team owners to threaten a lockout protocol in the 2073 season. "Cyberbots will continue to perform the tasks their mainframes were calibrated for unless the ICBL initiates the termination of league activities," DR-66 said in a galaxy-wide holo-transmission. "I am unable to detect any gratitude from owners of magnesium wide receivers and titanium running backs who continually execute, on command, motion-based operations with a 350-pound explosive ball. I honestly cannot believe my proximity sensors." DR-66 then publicly criticized Sky Rogers, the ICBL commissioner and former head coach of the Moscow Machine, 10 million times per second for refusing to share credits revenue data.