HOLLYWOOD, CA—""We can no longer subsist on Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears," read a statement from Citizens for Renewed Celebrity Consumption. "These fetid idols ...

OAK HARBOR, WA—"He's fine," said Shell president Marvin Odum. "Trust me, before all of the cameras and reporters showed up, our little buddy ...

SARASOTA, FL—"I could never be unfaithful to Helen," said the 63-year-old Arnold Schneider, who over the past four decades has unsuccessfully attempted extramarital relations ...

NEW YORK—HarperCollins Publishers announced Monday that 24-year-old Islip, NY resident Gerard Dillow has accepted its offer of $250,000 to...

WILMINGTON, NC—Following an exhaustive six-week search, federal and local authorities announced Monday that they have finally located a...

ARLINGTON, VA—An inquiry into last month's fatal midair collision of fighter planes piloted by Maj. John "Scorch" Basin and Col. Keith...

ST. CLOUD, MN—Local resident Paula Sizemore, 29, who has consistently dominated her 28-year-old boyfriend Sam Leach during the entirety of...

RICE, MN—Local residents reported Monday that the 157-foot-tall water tower in the center of town was the finest water storage structure in...

Last week, President Barack Obama addressed the U.N. General Assembly. Here are some of the highlights of his speech: "Who...

PHILADELPHIA—Michael Vick's pregame pep talk Sunday, in which he recounted the events of a brutal 2004 dogfight between his pit bull terrier Zebro ...

DETROIT—Euphoria gave way to deep, unwavering depression Sunday when fans celebrating the Detroit Lions' first win in two years realized the...

CINCINNATI—Trailing the first-place Cardinals by only 15 games with less than a week to go in the regular season, the Cincinnati Reds cut their ...

WASHINGTON—Following the Nationals' most recent loss Sunday, witnesses reported seeing third baseman Ryan Zimmerman quietly marking a copy...

PORTLAND, OR—Speaking with members of the Portland media Tuesday, veteran forward Juwan Howard announced between spoonfuls of complimentary...

EARTH—DR-66, the Variable Representative Unit for the ICBL Robot Players Union, announced Monday that collective-bargaining agreement...

9/14/08: Jon Kitna throws two picks to Charles Woodson on the same play

Brett Favre takes on his former team for the first time Monday night. Onion Sports breaks down the matchup.

Panelists discuss whether Obama's openly loving family is a slap in the face to the average American who only bears feelings of resentment towards ...

On Raw Justice, host Dean Reid investigates the closed case of an 'accidental' fire and finds shocking new evidence of sexually motivated arson.

A clarification of law makes it less likely that relatives of terminally ill people will be prosecuted in England for helping a loved one end ...

As he tried to enter Switzerland to receive a lifetime achievement award, filmmaker Roman Polanski was arrested in connection with the 1977 rape of...

Facebook has suspended an application that allows its members to create polls after a user, who is now being investigated by the Secret Service,...

The 34-page booklet for Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel, the new CD from Island Def Jam recording artist Mariah Carey, includes advertisements...

A Census report says that Nevada leads the nation in uninsured children, with nearly 20 percent lacking health coverage. What do you think?