Defensive Tackle Remi Ayodele To Write Children's Book Titled 'Tubbo Makes A Touchdown'

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Issue 4541

Community Gives Up Following Tragedy

FORT SCOTT, KS—"Honestly, I don't see the people of Fort Scott looking to one another for solace during this trying time, or really looking to one another for anything ever again," said mayor Thomas Dietrich.

God Introduces New Bird

THE HEAVENS—Available in two colors­—male and female—the bird reportedly combines everything God has learned from His previous works into one "new twist on an old classic."

Adorable Rockies Attempting To Win World Series

PHILADELPHIA—In an absolutely precious little press conference before the start of the NLDS Wednesday, the upstart Colorado Rockies confirmed that they would be making the most adorable effort to win the World Series this year.

Steve Smith

After four weeks, the New York Giants' Steve Smith currently leads the league in receiving. Is he any good?

MLB Playoff Predictions

With the 2009 regular season out of the way, Onion Sports runs down what to look for during the postseason.

Bank Of America CEO Resigns

Once heralded as a shrewd innovator, embattled CEO Ken Lewis is now leaving Bank Of America. Here are some key missteps from the past 18 months...

Favorite Stick Brought Inside

DENVER—Discarding a number of twigs that did not conform to his high standards, Nicholas Thompson, 5, finally selected a favorite stick from...

Struggling Museum Now Allowing Patrons To Touch Paintings

NEW YORK—"At first it just looked like a picture of a bunch of lily pads," Gerard Schmidt, a retired banker said of Monet's Water Lilies. "But then I started scraping at it with my pocket knife and the whole painting just sort of spoke to me."
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Defensive Tackle Remi Ayodele To Write Children's Book Titled 'Tubbo Makes A Touchdown'

NEW ORLEANS—Saints defensive tackle Remi Ayodele announced plans Monday to write a children's book called Tubbo Makes A Touchdown, which he says will be the heartwarming tale of an overweight hippopotamus who bravely dives on a loose ball and scores the first touchdown of his professional career. "At first nobody wanted to play football with Tubbo, and all the skinny animals teased him and told him he smelled bad," said the 318-pound Ayodele, adding that Tubbo was loosely based on a true story. "But when Tubbo scores the touchdown, he proves he can do the same things the popular animals can do, just a little slower." Ayodele said he hopes to inspire children to believe they can accomplish anything as long as they flop down on top of their opportunities.