SEC Replay Official Overturns 'Roe v. Wade'

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Issue 4544

House Haunted By Tortured Souls Of Current Residents

HARTFORD, MI—On the outside it may look like any other home, but within the walls of 6535 Maple Ave. lies a terrifying secret: Every night, when the sun goes down and the moon comes out, this suburban bungalow is haunted by the restless, tormented souls of its residents, the Davidson family.

Group Of Popular Girls Reduces Nation To Tears

NEW YORK—"It's like they don't even know I'm alive," said John Green, 91, of Miami. "I don't know why I let it bother me. I've lived a rich, rewarding life. But they're so pretty, and their hair is so perfect."

I Got Some Sweet New Digs

Hola, amigos. How's it going? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been cheek-deep in a ditch of shit. First of all, the...

2009 World Series

With the Fall Classic already underway, Onion Sports shows you what to look for in this clash of baseball titans.

Phillies Hope To End 364-Day World Series Drought

PHILADELPHIA—The last time the Philadelphia Phillies brought a World Series title back to the City of Brotherly Love, the nation's financial sector was in complete ruin, the cost of a gallon of milk was only $2.74, fans watched the Fall...

Timeless Masterpiece Liked

SANTA CLARA, CA—City Lights, the eternal Charlie Chaplin classic heralded by film scholars as a poignant and seminal work of...
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Election 2016

SEC Replay Official Overturns 'Roe v. Wade'

TUSCALOOSA, AL—A Southeastern Conference replay official conducting a video review of a sideline catch during the Alabama-Tennessee game Saturday overturned Roe v. Wade, the 1973 U.S. Supreme Court ruling granting women the right to abortions. "Well, I certainly don't know what the refs were looking at down on the field to make that call," CBS analyst Gary Danielson said moments after the controversial ruling came in. "A woman's right to choose her reproductive future is clearly covered by the constitutional right to privacy, and that guy certainly didn't have control of the ball when he went out of bounds." Confirming the conference stood by the decision, an SEC spokesperson also said that officials would be disciplined for last week's Florida–Mississippi State game, in which a "grave error" was made when a replay call upheld both a Florida touchdown in which the ballcarrier had clearly fumbled before crossing the goal line and Brown v. Board of Education.