KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—"We've spent a lot of time and money fostering the turmoil and despair necessary to make this a sustainable quagmire, and we ...

NEW YORK—"It's like they don't even know I'm alive," said John Green, 91, of Miami. "I don't know why I ...

HARTFORD, MI—On the outside it may look like any other home, but within the walls of 6535 Maple Ave. lies a terrifying secret: Every ...

GARRETT, MD—After airing four consecutive days of programming devoted to mulled cider, antique weather vanes, and changing foliage, the...

WASHINGTON—In a rare display of bipartisanship, senators on both sides of the aisle set aside their differences Tuesday and passed off...

POMPANO BEACH, FL—Following a breakfast of shredded wheat and grapefruit juice, 76-year-old Martin Schoenfeld shaved, tied his shoes, and...

SANTA CLARA, CA—City Lights, the eternal Charlie Chaplin classic heralded by film scholars as a poignant and seminal work of...

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the president was preying on the public's fear of contracting a fatal disease last week when he declared the H1N1...

SCHAUMBURG, IL—A deep, drawn-out, world-weary sigh emanated from an occupied bathroom stall at a local office building Monday, witnesses...

WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, first daughter Sasha Obama, 8, issued a direct order to Special Agent James Warren of the...

TUSCALOOSA, AL—A Southeastern Conference replay official conducting a video review of a sideline catch during the Alabama-Tennessee game...

As the economy continues to falter, states are finding it difficult to remain solvent. Here are some of the new taxes being...

Taurus: The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.

PHILADELPHIA—The last time the Philadelphia Phillies brought a World Series title back to the City of Brotherly Love, the nation's financial sector was ...

LONDON—Despite their lack of experience watching American football and their unfamiliarity with all but the most basic principles of the...

NEW YORK—Alex Rodriguez's first World Series appearance and the Philadelphia Phillies' attempt to repeat as champions may have emerged as...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Frightened by the deafening music, the frenzied laser show, and the announcer's booming voice, panicked Charlotte Bobcats...

ST. LOUIS—After being named hitting coach by Cardinals manager Tony La Russa, Mark McGwire told reporters...

An American football team in London would offer unique opportunities but not without posing singular problems. We list the most prominent of both.

With the Fall Classic already underway, Onion Sports shows you what to look for in this clash of baseball titans.

An honors student died in the crash today, leaving the nation to wonder why the grisly experience of burning alive was not reserved for Glenn ...

Expert stops by Today NOW! to show parents of girly sons costume tips to survive Halloween without accentuating their child's obvious homosexuality.

People are breathing a sigh of relief today for the long-suffering spectators' sudden deaths, and for the total elimination of the Clippers' roster off the ...

Paleontologists have uncovered fossil evidence of a progenitor of the Tyrannosaurus Rex that was no larger than a human being. What do you...

Former Smiths singer Morrissey is in stable condition after developing breathing problems and falling to the ground during a performance in Swindon,...

Federal safety investigators are citing use of laptop computers among the factors that caused a Northwest Airlines pilot and copilot to become...

A Latvian mobile phone company has admitted it staged a meteor strike outside the town of Mazsalaca as a publicity stunt. What do you think?

Iceland's three McDonald's locations are closing because of the collapse of the island nation's currency. What do you think?