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United Airlines Exploring Viability Of Stacking Them Like Cordwood

• Congress Approves $500 Billion For Monument To Human Folly

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.03.09 | News

  WASHINGTON—"Our goal is to create a structure that, like the human race itself, is doomed from the outset and plagued by innate flaws that can never be corrected," said Sen. George Voinovich. more»

  

• Entire Office Unsure What To Do About Bawling Coworker

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.06.09 | News

  FINDLAY,OH—The entire office staff of Altman & Hanson Accounting remained utterly baffled as to what, if anything, should be done in response to the prominent sobbing coming from the cubicle of 36-year-old clerk Jack Underwood, sources reported today. more»

  

• College Freshman Makes Triumphant Return To High School

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.07.09 | News

  COCONUT CREEK, FL—"I'm back, Bayshore High," 18-year-old Henry Doyle announced as he pulled his mother's Toyota Camry slowly into the parking lot normally reserved for faculty, emerging with a knowing grin. "Bet you never thought you'd see the likes of me again!" more»

  

• Rude Guy Unfortunately Says Something Funny

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.02.09 | News in Brief

  LOWELL, MA—Coworkers having a drink Friday at the Blue Shamrock Pub reported feeling disgusted with themselves for laughing—and in... more»

• Cherokee Nation Makes Headlines As Fraction Of Actress's Bloodline

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.03.09 | News in Brief

  CHICAGO—The proud and ancient Cherokee Nation was thrust into the spotlight during a taping of The Oprah Winfrey Show this week,... more»

• Barack Obama Names Alan Moore Official White House Biographer

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.04.09 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—At a press conference Monday, President Obama announced that he had appointed legendary comic book writer Alan Moore as the... more»

• 1999 Collaboration Between Carlos Santana, Rob Thomas Somehow Standing Test Of Time

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.05.09 | News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—Sources reported Monday that "Smooth," the 1999 collaborative effort of guitarist Carlos Santana and singer-songwriter Rob... more»

• Just Area Man's Luck

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.06.09 | News in Brief

  KENOSHA, WI—Amid questions as to why this kind of shit always happens to him, area resident Patrick Kennedy told reporters Monday it was... more»

• Defense Bill Features Less Waste

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.04.09 | Infographic

  The defense spending bill that President Obama signed last week eliminated several programs deemed wasteful, including a presidential... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.03.09 | Horoscope

• What's On Our Accident Reports?

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.04.09 | Statshot

  

• Bucket Of Rags This Year's Must-Have Christmas Item

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.02.09 | Radio News

• Coroner To Work From Home Today

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.03.09 | Radio News

• Heaven To Return 3.6 Billion Souls For Rejudging

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.04.09 | Radio News

• Dept. Of Defense Locked Out Of Pentagon Again

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.05.09 | Radio News

• Scientists Dissect Coworker To Find Out More About Scientists

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.06.09 | Radio News

• Pigeon Trying To Act Nonchalant About Fresh Vomit On Sidewalk

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.03.09 | News in Photos

  

• Sexualized Octogenarian Flapper Girl Still Earning Living For Someone

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.07.09 | News in Photos

  

• If I'm So Crazy, Then Why Do People Keep Having Sex With Me?

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.03.09 | Commentary

  You know, I'm getting really sick of this. I am a perfectly normal, fully functioning adult, and yet it seems like every other day someone tells... more»

• Inside The Mind Of A Perfectly Sane Person

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.04.09 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Ask The Online Reviews Of A New Tex-Mex Restaurant

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.05.09 | Advice

  Dear The Online Reviews Of A New Tex-Mex Restaurant, For the past six weeks, my husband and I have been remodeling our master... more»

• New York Marathon Winner Tests Positive For Performance-Enhancing Horse

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.05.09 | Sports News

  NEW YORK—Officials from New York Road Runners stripped American Meb Keflezighi of his 2009 ING New York City Marathon victory Wednesday after a blood sample taken from his fetlock was found to contain high levels of performance-enhancing horse. more»

  

• Brett Favre Avenges Storied 16-Year Career With Packers

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.05.09 | Sports News in Brief

  GREEN BAY, WI—Brett Favre beat the Green Bay Packers on Sunday for the second time this season, his decisive 38-26 victory exacting some... more»

  

• 95-Year-Old Yankees Fan Afraid He'll Never Get To See Team Win 27 More World Series

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.06.09 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK–Michael Grippo, a 95-year-old Bronx native, told reporters Wednesday that he is "worried sick" that he won't live to see the Yankees win another 27 World Series titles. more»

  

• Shaq, Cavaliers Start To Bond After Rollerblading Around Cleveland

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.07.09 | Sports News in Brief

  CLEVELAND—After strapping on inline skates for the first time ever Monday, Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal and his new teammates bonded while Rollerblading through the streets of Cleveland. more»

  

• Oversensitive Quarterback Reads Too Much Into Defense

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.09.09 | Sports News in Brief

  OMAHA, NE—Nebraska State coaches said quarterback Joshua Adams was reading far too much into the positioning and schemes of the opposing... more»

  

• Tim Duncan Makes Citizen's Foul Call

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.10.09 | Sports News in Brief

  SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan took officiating into his own hands Saturday when he made a citizen's foul call on Kings guard Kevin... more»

  

• Early-Season NBA Power Rankings

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.05.09 | Sportsgraphic

  With the NBA season underway, scouts have made their first team rankings. Exhaustive capsule evaluations follow. more»

  

• Derek Jeter

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.05.09 | Strongside/Weakside

  The living Yankee legend has had a magnificent showing in the Fall Classic. Is he any good? more»

  

• 40,000 Revenge-Seeking Bats Descend Upon Manu Ginobili

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.05.09 | Photo Finish

  

• Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.05.09 | O-SPAN

  Ford says the '93 Taurus is the only car to drive in 2010, and they think Americans will have no other choice but to agree. more»

  

• Bill May Have Cost Hillary VP Slot

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.02.09 | American Voices

  In the new issue of Time magazine by former Obama campaign aide David Ploufe indicates that Hillary Clinton was a serious contender for the VP... more»

• Karzai Rival Pulls Out Of Race

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.03.09 | American Voices

  Afghan presidential contender Abdullah Abdullah withdrew his candidacy six days before a scheduled runoff election, calling into question the... more»

• First Female Tower Of London Guard Bullied

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.04.09 | American Voices

  The bullying of Moira Cameron, the first female "Beefeater" guard in the Tower of London's history, has resulted in the suspension of two Beefeaters... more»

• AT&T Claims Verizon Lied About Coverage

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.05.09 | American Voices

  Telecommunications giant AT&T is suing Verizon Wireless for ads Verizon ran suggesting AT&T had gaps in its network. What do you think? more»

• Ohio Legalized Casinos

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.06.09 | American Voices

  Voters in Ohio approved a plan to open casinos in the state's four largest cities. What do you think? more»

• On Andre Agassi Admitting He Used Crystal Meth

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.05.09 | Fan On The Street

• Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks

  ISSUE 45•45 | 11.10.09 | Tech Trends

  Designers say the new game explores the endless paperwork, routine patrolling a modern day soldier endures in photorealistic detail. more»

  

• smoggy

  Night sky gets a 4 out of 1,552 stars

• Elder Whisperer

  CBS

  8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST

  Nina Jerome (Keri Russell) possesses the preternatural ability to pay attention to senior citizens and actually listen to what they have to say.

• Man's Recycling Ideals Abandoned During Move

• Current Resident

  Dear The Onion,

  Enjoy OUTRAGEOUS autumn deals at The Smog Doctor! Take $10 off your State of California Smog Inspection during our SMOGTOBERFEST blowout! Remember: If you catch YOUR CAR smoking, then come see the Doctor!

  The Smog Doctor, Santa Clarita, CA

• Metaphor

  Despite his director's wishes, this morning screenwriter John Scarpello, 31, was married to the use of the main character's car as a metaphor for life.

  

• PERRY, NE—Harold Trudor, 84, finally fixed the doorbell, just in time for no one to ever ring it again.

• Ability To Drum 'Wipeout' On Tabletop Passed Down To Son

• Hannah Montana

  DISNEY

  7:30 p.m. EST/6:30 p.m. CST

  When Miley Cyrus adopts the identity of a cockney chimney sweep, her multiple personality disorder finally begins to spiral out of control.

• Catholic

  Max Meyer and Abigail Crenshaw are proud to announce they will be married in the beautiful church they could only reserve after a year of attending mass and pretending to be Catholic.

  

• Pardon The Interruption (ESPN) 5:30pm EDT/4:30 pm CDT

  Tony Kornheiser really gets into this week's Role Play, completely fooling Michael Wilbon with his Michelle Wie impersonation.

• Steinbrenner's Heart Monitor Flatlines As Yankees Make Final Out Of World Series

• MINOCQUA, WI—Sheila Boyke, 47, spent two hours searching for the perfect gourd color combination before taking a cider break.

• The Pizza Hut Legal Drama

  CBS

  9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST

  Don't bitch to us; you're the one who TiVo-ed past all the ads.

• Stripper

  Dear The Onion,

  Thanks for keeping the whole DUI/stripper incident on the DL and off the front page. I owe you one.

  J. Biden, Washington, D.C.

• Sir, Time Warner Cable Operator Realizes You're Upset

• Blood

  Miriam Kutz and Rodger Juniper have the same weird blood type, so it sort of makes sense for them to get married.

  

• JCPenney (JCP)

  $33.7 $1.04 (+3.2%) As the hour of the wolf approaches and the fallow land begets stillborn crops, the slaving caste finds comfort only in great deals on Arizona jeans.

• ATHENS, GA—Jake Marino returned from the depths of the Orient bearing gifts: a baseball hat that says, "Japan," and a novelty necktie that says, "Japan."

• Trainwreck Academy

  VH1

  12 p.m. EST/11 a.m. CST

  Series premiere.Thirty-five contestants, ranging from rational to boring, must change their modest, reasonable ways to make the cast of the next VH1 reality show, or else face elimination.

• 3-D Movie One-Dimensional

• BREAKING: Afghan Presidential Election Winner Hamid Karzai Receives Consolatory Phone Call From White House