• 1996
• 1997
• 1998
• 1999
• 2000
• 2001
• 2002
• 2003
• 2004
• 2005
• 2006
• 2007
• 2008
• 2009
• 2010
• 2011
• 2012

• <<
• 09.28.09 |
• 10.05.09 |
• 10.12.09 |
• 10.19.09 |
• 10.26.09 |
• 11.02.09 |
• 11.09.09 |
• 11.12.09 |
• 11.23.09 |
• 11.30.09 |
• 12.07.09
• >>

Alternate-Universe Sci-Fi Channel Show Asks What Would Happen If Germany Lost War

• Afghan Presidential Election A Celebration Of All Forms Of Government

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.11.09 | News

  KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—"This election has proved to the world that Afghanistan is capable of conducting free, barely free, and not-so-free elections in which some or all forms of government are embraced," said President Hamid Karzai. more»

  

• BREAKING: U.S. Deports Lou Dobbs

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.11.09 | News

  WANTAGE, NJ—Acting on anonymous tips from within the Hispanic-American community, U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials deported Luis Miguel Salvador Aguila Dominguez, who has been living illegally in the United States under the name Lou Dobbs for 48 years. more»

  

• Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

  ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 45•46 | 11.14.09 | News

  ESCONDIDO, CA—Provoked by a presidential administration he believes is guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 46, has become a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head. more»

  

• Nation's Fast Food Patrons No Longer Trusted To Dispense Own Ketchup

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.16.09 | News

  WASHINGTON—"We tried to treat our customers like adults, and they took advantage of our generosity," said Burger King CEO Brian Thomas Swette, who was visibly upset after hearing that Americans on average use 14 ounces of ketchup per fast food meal. more»

  

• Poll: 100% Of Grandsons Talented

  ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 45•46 | 11.09.09 | News in Brief

  ATLANTA—A Zogby poll of 1,542 American grandparents published Monday found that grandsons were described as "very" to "extremely" talented... more»

• Increasingly Horrified Man Listens To Self Explain What He Does For A Living

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.10.09 | News in Brief

  CHARLOTTE, NC—Dawning horror tinged with self-loathing crept slowly over the face of claims adjuster Robert Pettlebaum, 42, as he described... more»

• Group Of Good-Looking People All Headed Toward Same Place

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.11.09 | News in Brief

  DOWNTOWN—A procession of strikingly attractive people, tastefully dressed for an evening out and sporting high-priced yet pleasantly... more»

• H.R. 2651 Fans Storm Senate Floor After Passage Of Bill

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.12.09 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Diehard fans of H.R. 2651 charged the floor of the Senate chamber Tuesday after their bill, a 14-vote underdog nicknamed the... more»

• American Muslims To Fort Hood Shooter: 'Thanks A Lot, Asshole'

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.12.09 | News in Brief

  FORT HOOD, TX—Following Army psychologist Nidal Malik Hasan's shooting rampage on the Fort Hood military base last week that left 13 people... more»

• Man Raised By Wolves Worried He's Slowly Turning Into Father

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.13.09 | News in Brief

  INVERMERE, BC—Calling it a "real wake-up call," local claims adjuster Paul Koda'wahya told reporters Monday that he has finally reached the... more»

• Nicolas Cage Broke

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.11.09 | Infographic

  Owing $6.3 million in back taxes and facing financial ruin, Nicolas Cage, star of such hit films as Ghost Rider,... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.10.09 | Horoscope

• What's Worrying Our Parents?

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.11.09 | Statshot

  

• Fire Hot

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.10.09 | Radio News

• Beer Makes Carpet Grow

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.12.09 | Radio News

• Pentagon Engineers Develop New Diplomacy Bomb

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.15.09 | Radio News

• Congressman Boehner's Terror Alert Skin Set Back To Orange

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.10.09 | News in Photos

  

• CNBC Cameraman Can’t Believe He’s Filming Another Blog Off A Computer Monitor

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.14.09 | News in Photos

  

• Excuse Me, But I'll Be Handling The Gentleman's Discourse For The Rest Of The Evening

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.10.09 | Commentary

  Ah, pardon me, milady. May I have a word? I trust you're enjoying tonight's festivities? I should say I am. Nothing stirs the blood quite like an... more»

• I'm So Blessed To Be Surrounded By People I Can Extort Money From

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.12.09 | Commentary

  Everyone goes through a hard patch at some point. Even if you watch every penny, all it takes is an unexpected layoff or a sudden medical crisis,... more»

• AIDS: After Nearly 30 Years, It Still Looks Pretty Intense When Written In All Red And Set Against A Black Background

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.13.09 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Report: Yankees Trademarked 'Yankees Suck' Chant In 1996

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.13.09 | Sports News

  TAMPA, FL—New York Yankees team ownership revealed Tuesday that the phrase "Yankees suck," one of the most popular chants in sports, was trademarked by the 27-time World Series champions... more»

  

• Ahmad Bradshaw Still Had Pretty Good Weekend Despite Loss To Chargers

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.12.09 | Sports News in Brief

  EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Though the the Chargers dealt the Giants a crushing fourth consecutive loss Sunday, running back Ahmad Bradshaw admitted... more»

  

• Saints Completely Satisfied With 8-0 Start

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.13.09 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW ORLEANS—Sources within the Saints organization confirmed Wednesday that players, coaches, and executives alike are all "perfectly... more»

  

• Memphis Grizzlies Continue To Insist They Have 5 Players Better Than Allen Iverson

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.14.09 | Sports News in Brief

  MEMPHIS, TN—Though Allen Iverson has taken an indefinite leave of absence and even threatened to retire because of his current bench role,... more»

  

• Kansas City Fails To Pick Up Option On Royals

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.16.09 | Sports News in Brief

  KANSAS CITY, MO—In an expected move Wednesday, the City of Kansas City declined to pick up their 2010 option on the Royals baseball club,... more»

  

• Mickey Mouse Noticeably Avoids A-Rod During Trip To Disney World

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.17.09 | Sports News in Brief

  ORLANDO, FL—Members of the Yankees couldn't help but notice that the resort's iconic mascot Mickey Mouse made a special effort to avoid Alex... more»

  

• 2009 Midseason NFL Highlights

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.12.09 | Sportsgraphic

  At the midpoint of the regular season, we take a look back at the NFL's highlights and notable moments. more»

  

• JaMarcus Russell

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.12.09 | Strongside/Weakside

  So far in 2009, the struggling Raiders quarterback has two TDs, nine interceptions, and a rating of 48.3. Is he any good? more»

  

• People Probably Affiliated With Hockey In Some Way Inducted In Hockey Hall Of Fame

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.12.09 | Photo Finish

  

• Berlin Wall Came Down 20 Years Ago

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.09.09 | American Voices

  On Nov 9, 1989, the East German government announced that it would allow free travel between East and West Germany, an act that eventually led to the... more»

• Cash For Clunkers Resulted In Trucks For Trucks

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.10.09 | American Voices

  Analysis of federal data shows that a substantial number of the participants in the federal "Cash for Clunkers" program merely swapped an older truck... more»

• Pabst Up For Sale

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.11.09 | American Voices

  The Pabst Brewing Co., owners of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Schlitz, is on the market for around $300 million. What do you think? more»

• Obama Visiting Asia

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.12.09 | American Voices

  President Barack Obama leaves for Japan Thursday, kicking off a nine-day diplomatic visit to Asia that will include four days in China. What do... more»

• Lou Dobbs Leaves CNN

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.13.09 | American Voices

  The outspoken CNN anchor announced Wednesday that he was resigning, effective immediately. What do you think? more»

• On Sammy Sosa's Strangely Lightening Skin:

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.12.09 | Fan On The Street

• The Week In Review

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.10.09 | Slideshow

  

• The Week In Review

  ISSUE 45•46 | 11.15.09 | Slideshow

  

• sun

  How about you go report your own weather for a change

• Monsters Inside Me

  HEALTH

  10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST

  A 10-year-old gets parasites from freaking grass, underscoring the fact that we should all be terrified and are probably already infected by and dying from parasites.

• Food vs. Man

  Travel

  8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST

  Nine pounds of Dallas rib eye takes a shot at fame by attempting to escape from Adam Richman.

• Man Who Did Something Wrong Now Hates Cops

• Date

  Yesterday we incorrectly printed the date Thursday, Nov. 12, instead of Friday, Nov. 13. The Onion apologizes to those who thought they were getting a second chance.

• Waitress

  Risking her dignity, her reputation, and her career, Elizabeth Walsh went ahead and sat five of the six O'Keefes at their table, even though their entire party was not yet present.

  

• Culmination Of Entire Life’s Work A Fragile 47.2 KB

• WAUSAU, WI—Loretta Grimes, 51, urgently called her husband into the living room because that hilarious talking-baby commercial was back on.

• Terry

  Terry Clarke, 23, checked the score of the Penn State football game online before he called his dad, 52, so they would have something to talk about.

  

• 2009 World Series of Solitaire (ESPN2) 9:00pm EST/8:00pm CST

  Returning champ Rob Turner gets desperate and starts flipping cards over one at a time.

  

• Girlfriend Tossed Into Pile Of Leaves A Little Less Gently This Year

• Abraham Lincoln

  Given history's mostly favorable judgment of Abraham Lincoln, The Onion would like to rescind its 1864 endorsement of George B. McClellan for president of the United States.

• V

  ABC

  9 p.m. EST / 8 p.m. CST

  Government officials refuse to take seriously warnings of an impending alien invasion, confident something in the earth's environment—like beetles or a common bacteria—will wipe the invaders out.

• BRANDON, MS—Neil Spath hoped the pretty girl at the laundromat didn't figure out that he only owns two towels.

• Citigroup (C)

  $4.15 $.16 (+4.0%) Markets reacted positively to CEO Vikram Pandit's announcements that the troubled financial titan would soon repay bailout money to the government in the form of a $45 billion prepaid Visa gift card.

• Jeff

  Jeff Ruppenthal totally ignored a "Don't Walk" light, giving drivers the opportunity to swerve and speed off in different directions instead of proceeding in a boring straight line.

  

• BOWIE, MD—In an attempt to rein in his alcoholism, Bryan Delong decided that from now on he will only have a drink if it's out of a fancy glass.

• Let's Make A Baby

  ABC

  9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST

  Contestants conceive children.

• Neti Pot Genie Grants 3 Mucus-Related Wishes