Issue 4547 - 11.12.2009 | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

U.S. Deports Lou Dobbs

WANTAGE, NJ—Acting on anonymous tips from within the Hispanic-American community, U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials deported Luis Miguel Salvador Aguila Dominguez, who for the last 48 years had been living illegally in the United States under the name Lou Dobbs.

…

December Named National Awareness Month

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.17.09 | News

WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat what organizers are calling "our current epidemic of complete and utter obliviousness," the American Foundation for Paying Attention to Things has declared December "National Awareness Month." more»
Montessori School Of Dentistry Lets Students Discover Their Own Root Canal Procedures

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.20.09 | News

NEW YORK—"At Montessori, we believe dentistry to be more than just the medical practice of treating tooth and gum disorders," said school director Dr. Howard Bundt. "It's about fostering creativity." more»
Nation's Music Snobs Protest Predictable Use Of Metallica, Pantera To Torture Prisoners

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.21.09 | News

WASHINGTON—"What those poor people have had to suffer through is a terrible, shameful travesty,” said Rolling Stone's David Fricke. "Can you imagine being forced to listen to Deicide and Drowning Pool all day long?" more»
Greyhound Now Offering Direct Service From Kansas To L.A. Porn Director's Driveway

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.16.09 | News in Brief

DALLAS—In an effort to reduce travel times for thousands of customers every year, Greyhound Lines announced Monday that it will now offer... more»
Report: Fiber Optics Not A Real Thing

ISSUE 46•52 ISSUE 45•47 | 11.17.09 | News in Brief

BOSTON—Members of the world's engineering and telecommunications communities admitted Tuesday that fiber optics, the supposed technological... more»
Middle East Small Talks To Focus On Getting Israel, Palestine To Discuss Weather

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.18.09 | News in Brief

LONDON—According to State Department officials, the violently clashing peoples of Israel and Palestine have agreed to resume small talks... more»
Heroin Addicts Pressure President To Stay Course In Afghanistan

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.19.09 | News in Brief

LOS ANGELES—As the White House considers sweeping strategic shifts in the war in Afghanistan, heroin addicts across the nation called on... more»
Obama Weighs Options In Afghanistan

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.18.09 | Infographic

Pressure is mounting on President Obama to make a decision on the future of Afghanistan. Here are the options currently being... more»
Your Horoscopes

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.17.09 | Horoscope
Who Do We Think We Are?

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.18.09 | Statshot
Local Teen To Explore Own Body

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.17.09 | Radio News
Who Swoons Over 'New Moon'?

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.17.09 | Commentary

Item! Guess which vampire franchise is…hold on. I'm going to let you finish, but first let me say that Jackie... more»
This Would Be The Best Mental Hospital Ever If Elliott Gould Weren't Hiding In The Toilet

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.19.09 | Commentary

I've been a patient at the Sunhaven Mental Health Center for about six months now, and I honestly can't say enough about what a fantastic... more»
Editorial Cartoon - November 16, 2009

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.16.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Patriots Lead Colts At Halftime

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.19.09 | Sports News

INDIANAPOLIS—As of press time, the New England Patriots, playing on the road against an undefeated Indianapolis team, are headed into halftime with an all-but-insurmountable 24-14 lead. more»
LeBron James Encourages NBA To Stop Jumping In Honor Of Michael Jordan

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.20.09 | Sports News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Prior to Wednesday's game against the Washington Wizards, Cleveland Cavaliers all-star LeBron James announced that he would stop jumping during professional basketball games in order to properly honor recent Hall of Fame inductee Michael Jordan. more»
Several 2009 MLB Awards Clearly Thought Up On The Spot

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.21.09 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—A number of players suggested to reporters Monday that, with accolades such as the AL Platinum Baseman Award and the Best Lead Off of the Year Trophy, the Baseball Writers' Association of America was almost certainly making up its year-end honors on the spot. more»
Bengals' Uniforms No Longer Look Stupid Now That Team Is Good

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.23.09 | Sports News in Brief

BRISTOL, CT—By wearing their brightly colored orange-and-black tiger-print uniforms during a victory over the Steelers, the division-leading 7-2 Cincinnati Bengals made their team gear appear far less stupid Sunday. more»
Nets Announce Team Is In Re-Demolition Mode

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.24.09 | Sports News in Brief

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In a continuing effort to destroy their roster and ultimately cause their team's collapse, Nets officials announced Monday that the franchise was entrenched in a long-term re-demolition process. more»
Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.16.09 | Newsroom

Officials say the President's home teleprompter is simply a tool to make sure pillow talk with Michelle or conversations with his Mother-In-Law go smoothly. more»
Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.19.09 | Today Now!

11 year old Thomas Demming visits Today NOW! with the magical friend he hid for weeks in his bedroom closet. more»
ABC Cancels 'Hank'

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.16.09 | American Voices

After airing five episodes, ABC has canceled the Kelsey Grammer disgraced-CEO-returns-to-small-hometown sitcom Hank. What do you... more»
Scientists Replace Penile Tissue In Rabbits

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.18.09 | American Voices

Researchers from North Carolina's Wake Forest University successfully engineered a replacement erectile tissue that, when implanted in the penises of... more»
Senator Byrd The Longest-Serving Lawmaker

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.20.09 | American Voices

After more than 56 years in office, 92-year-old Sen. Robert C. Byrd (D-WV) has become the longest-serving member of Congress. What do you... more»
On Titans Owner Bud Adams Being Fined For Flipping Off The Crowd:

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.19.09 | Fan On The Street
The Week In Review

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.23.09 | Slideshow
Tree Planted In Your Name 9 Years Ago Shows Up At Doorstep

ISSUE 45•47 | 07.06.09 | Newswire
very_sunny

High tide at 12:47 p.m., which means nothing for you
Yankees

Dear The Onion,

The Yankees won the World Series. So what? Go fuck yourself.

Todd Baines, Philadelphia, PA
Retired Guy Working At A Hardware Store

HGTV

8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST

Donny tells some chump right where to get off when the idiot doesn't even have the sense to bring in the lid of the paint he wants another can of.
See The Splendor Of The Grand Canyon (Of Oklahoma)

Ask the 3.6 hundred tourists who visited the Grand Canyon (of Oklahoma) this year, and they will tell you that it is more than a great chasm carved out more than 13 years ago by Oklahoma residents Steve and Brian Metzner. With a span of 227 yards and an average depth of 15 feet, the Grand Canyon (of Oklahoma) is one of the Eight Wonders of Oklahoma.
MLB's Ground Rule Double (MLB Network) 11:00pm EST/10:00pm CST
Though the title of the show is catchy enough, co-anchors Bobby Valentine and Tino Martinez struggle to enjoy themselves as they are forced to show every clip twice.
Police Officer Uses Ultraviolet Light To Track Down Clean Underwear
Cancelling

Dear The Onion,

I am canceling my subscription to your paper because I am getting together with my friends this week and we will need something to talk about.

Wendy Pallow, Ann Arbor, MI
Kathy Griffin: Same Old Shit

BRAVO

10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST

The relentless comedienne once again takes on Paris Hilton, Dr. Phil, and Paula Abdul.
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The swirling crimson vortex of ones and zeroes above Google's corporate headquarters turned a bloodier shade of red after swallowing a fifth-grade math whiz visiting on a school field trip.
It's Me Or The Dog

ANIMAL

10 a.m. EST/9 a.m. CST

The owner of an out-of-control Doberman must make the difficult decision between solving her problems like a normal person or going on TV to have experts tell her that dogs need discipline.
Guy With Own Pool Stick Taking Off His Leather Coat
BREAKING: Report: Iran Seven To Eight Years Away From Admitting They Have Nuclear Weapon

very_sunny

Yankees

Retired Guy Working At A Hardware Store

See The Splendor Of The Grand Canyon (Of Oklahoma)

MLB's Ground Rule Double (MLB Network) 11:00pm EST/10:00pm CST Though the title of the show is catchy enough, co-anchors Bobby Valentine and Tino Martinez struggle to enjoy themselves as they are forced to show every clip twice.

Police Officer Uses Ultraviolet Light To Track Down Clean Underwear

Cancelling

Kathy Griffin: Same Old Shit

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The swirling crimson vortex of ones and zeroes above Google's corporate headquarters turned a bloodier shade of red after swallowing a fifth-grade math whiz visiting on a school field trip.

It's Me Or The Dog

Guy With Own Pool Stick Taking Off His Leather Coat

BREAKING: Report: Iran Seven To Eight Years Away From Admitting They Have Nuclear Weapon

Featured Issues

Onion News Network On IFC »

Facebook

MLB's Ground Rule Double (MLB Network) 11:00pm EST/10:00pm CST
Though the title of the show is catchy enough, co-anchors Bobby Valentine and Tino Martinez struggle to enjoy themselves as they are forced to show every clip twice.