Nets Announce Team Is In Re-Demolition Mode

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Issue 4547

Several 2009 MLB Awards Clearly Thought Up On The Spot

NEW YORK—A number of players suggested to reporters Monday that, with accolades such as the AL Platinum Baseman Award and the Best Lead Off of the Year Trophy, the Baseball Writers' Association of America was almost certainly making up its year-end honors on the spot.

Patriots Lead Colts At Halftime

INDIANAPOLIS—As of press time, the New England Patriots, playing on the road against an undefeated Indianapolis team, are headed into halftime with an all-but-insurmountable 24-14 lead.

December Named National Awareness Month

WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat what organizers are calling "our current epidemic of complete and utter obliviousness," the American Foundation for Paying Attention to Things has declared December "National Awareness Month."

U.S. Deports Lou Dobbs

WANTAGE, NJ—Acting on anonymous tips from within the Hispanic-American community, U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials deported Luis Miguel Salvador Aguila Dominguez, who for the last 48 years had been living illegally in the United States under the name Lou Dobbs.
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Nets Announce Team Is In Re-Demolition Mode

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In a continuing effort to destroy their roster and ultimately cause their team's collapse, Nets officials announced Monday that the franchise was entrenched in a long-term re-demolition process. "Obviously, we're not going to just fall apart overnight, but our 0-10 start is proof that we're imploding in the right direction," said general manager Kiki Vandeweghe. "We've been working for years to demolish the core of the Nets roster by getting rid of Jason Kidd, Richard Jefferson, and Vince Carter. And with the acquisition of Yi Jianlian from China, a player who is sure to be a bust, this organization has begun to really focus on tearing itself down from the ground up." Vandeweghe said he is following the re-demolition model established by the New York Knicks and praised the ongoing team-destruction efforts of owner Jim Dolan, who he said is "doing a great job over there."