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New 'Noveller' Allows People To Post Novels They Write During Course Of Their Day

• Department Of Needing Transportation: 'Anyone Heading To Tucson This Weekend?'

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.24.09 | News

  PHOENIX—Stressing that it would be really good to get there by Saturday afternoon, the U.S. Secretary of Needing Transportation issued a formal request Monday stating that he would "be happy" to tag along on any potential weekend trips to Tucson. more»

  

• Grandma Concerned About Dinner Roll Count

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.25.09 | News

  ROCKFORD, IL—The elderly grandmother of four told reporters that, while she would hate for anything to go to waste, she would be equally upset if one of her guests reached into her wicker basket and found nothing but crumbs. more»

  

• Gunman Thought Coworkers Would Be Back From Lunch By Now

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.27.09 | News

  NEW YORK—"Huh, I wonder where everyone is," said the emotionally disturbed publishing professional, bringing the high-powered assault weapon down from eye-level and slowly snapping the safety back on. "Definitely thought they'd be back from that sandwich place by now." more»

  

• 'The Office' Ends As Documentary Crew Gets All The Footage It Needs

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.23.09 | News in Brief

  SCRANTON, PA—After nearly six years on the air, NBC's hit show The Office ended abruptly Thursday when documentary filmmaker Ian... more»

• Boarding School Student Receives Wet William

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.24.09 | News in Brief

  DEERFIELD, MA—Deerfield Academy first-year Foster R. Poole III told reporters Monday that he had received yet another Wet William from a... more»

• Nation To Be Sterilized From 1 P.M. To 4 P.M. This Friday

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.25.09 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—The mandatory sterilization of all sexually mature U.S. citizens is set to take place this Friday from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m Eastern... more»

• Biden Pardons Single Yam In Vice Presidential Thanksgiving Ritual

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.25.09 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—In keeping with a longstanding Thanksgiving tradition, Vice President Joe Biden ceremonially pardoned a 4-pound yam today at a... more»

• Man Who Enjoys Popular Rock Songs Discovers Perfect Radio Station

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.26.09 | News in Brief

  ROCHESTER, NY—Sean Ridgeway, a 36-year-old carpenter who is fond of popular rock 'n' roll music from the late 1960s to the present, told... more»

• Prima Donna Surgeon Storms Out Of Half-Full Operating Theater

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.27.09 | News in Brief

  BALTIMORE—Midway through Friday night's quadruple-bypass procedure at the Johns Hopkins Hospital, the celebrated but moody cardiac surgeon... more»

• 'Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2' Breaking Sales Records

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.25.09 | Infographic

  During its first five days on the shelves, Activision's latest installment in the first-person-shooter video game franchise Call Of... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.24.09 | Horoscope

• Who Are We Inviting To Thanksgiving?

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.25.09 | Statshot

  

• Celebrities Seize Africa

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.22.09 | Radio News

• Miracle Powder Turns Water Into Delicious Fruity Drink

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.24.09 | Radio News

• 9 Drawn And Quartered At Renaissance Fair

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.26.09 | Radio News

• Shakira Just Not Feeling Up To Jiggling Ass Today

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.24.09 | News in Photos

  

• Coroner Excited For First Asian

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.28.09 | News in Photos

  

• Like Hell I'm Going To Let Some Black President Help Me Pay For Dialysis

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.24.09 | Commentary

  I take pride in who I am. Always have, always will. I've worked hard my whole life and have never taken anyone's charity, and I'm not about to... more»

• The Money We Waste On NASA's Space Program Would Be Better Spent On Space Programs For The Poor

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.26.09 | Commentary

  So, the United States just sent another multimillion-dollar shuttle out into space to do God knows what. Yet all the while, back here on Earth,... more»

• Does Anyone Still Have A Copy Of Last Month's Issue? We Need To Look Something Up.

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.27.09 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Editorial Cartoon - November 23, 2009

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.23.09 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Pittsburgh School District Leads Nation In Ability To Spell 'Roethlisberger'

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.26.09 | Sports News

  PITTSBURGH—Just four years ago, then-eighth-grader Heather Lawler had no idea how to spell Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger's last name. She would often eliminate the "e" after the "o," or place an extra vowel before the "l." more»

  

• Everyone In Huddle Afraid To Tell Aaron Rodgers About Turf Stuck In Teeth

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.26.09 | Sports News in Brief

  GREEN BAY, WI—Members of the Packers offense opted not to tell quarterback Aaron Rodgers about the large clump of turf wedged between his front teeth... more»

  

• Tim Duncan Calls Out Geometric Angle Needed To Make Bank Shot

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.28.09 | Sports News in Brief

  SAN ANTONIO—Immediately after releasing a 12-foot jump shot Tuesday night, Spurs center Tim Duncan called out the angle necessary for the ball to bank off the backboard and into the basket. more»

  

• Placekicker Using Practice To Work On Placekicking

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.30.09 | Sports News in Brief

  HOUSTON—Texans placekicker Kris Brown used a three-hour practice Thursday to work on placekicking, sources reported. more»

  

• Former Orlando Breakers Coach Michael 'Dauber' Dybinski Adjusts To New GM Duties

  ISSUE 45•48 | 12.01.09 | Sports News in Brief

  ORLANDO, FL—Dismissing questions regarding his lack of executive experience, his willingness to make tough personnel decisions, and rumors that his team may soon move to Los Angeles, two-time Super Bowl champion coach... more»

  

• Thanksgiving Football Highlights

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.26.09 | Sportsgraphic

  Though watching the Cowboys and the Lions has become a big part of the holiday, the NFL's Thanksgiving Classic hasn't been all bad. We look back at a century of tradition. more»

  

• Jim Brown

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.26.09 | Strongside/Weakside

  In his nine seasons with Cleveland, Jim Brown established himself as perhaps the greatest running back of all time. Was he any good? more»

  

• Kevin Garnett Out 3-4 Months With Pounded Chest

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.26.09 | Photo Finish

  

• Costco Nixes Coke Sales

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.23.09 | American Voices

  Due to a disagreement over pricing, big box wholesale club Costco is not carying Coca Cola. What do you think? more»

• Oprah To End Her Talk Show

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.24.09 | American Voices

  Oprah Winfrey announced last week that she would end her talk show in 2011. What do you think? more»

• 'Old Dogs' Opens Today

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.25.09 | American Voices

  Old Dogs, starring John Travolta and Robin Williams, opens today. What do you think? more»

• Thanksgiving Today

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.26.09 | American Voices

  While the rest of the world goes about its business, the United States ill celebrate its traditional day of thanks today. What do you think? more»

• Drug Found To Boost Female Libido

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.27.09 | American Voices

  Flibanserin, a drug developed unsuccessfully as a treatment for depression, was shown to increase and enhance sex drive in women. What do you... more»

• On What We're Thankful For In Sports:

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.26.09 | Fan On The Street

• A Rampage On Hold

  ISSUE 45•48 | 11.19.09 | Slideshow

  

• sun

  A clear night for stargazing at the Mayborn Planetarium and Space theater

• Congressional Soup

  CSPAN

  10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST

  Host Dave Coulier presents his humorous take on today's verbal fumbles by Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA).

• Sunday, Nov. 29

  The Bookmobile will not make its usual appearance this week, as it continues to undergo a retrofitting that will make it run on fryer grease instead of gasoline and smell like doughnuts all the time.

• Sesame Street

  PBS

  7 a.m. EST/6 a.m. CST

  Hungover from a roaring 40th anniversary party, Oscar puts on a Pokémon DVD and heads back to bed.

• Reality Show

  In last week's article about the reality show America's No. 1 Dancer, we described the sequence of contestant Casey Mendez's dance as step, kick, twirl, step, slap, clap, down, swivel, turn, step, snap, cha-cha, stomp, step, shimmy, and split, when in fact we actually made that show up to fill space. The Onion regrets the error.

• Trophy Wife Slowly Becoming Regular Wife

• UPPER SADDLE RIVER, NJ—On the first day of writing their new health textbook, My Body And Me, authors Ira Neuss and Stephanie Kocher agreed that "vagina" should be a vocabulary word and typed in bold.

• Sarurday, Nov. 28

  Get ready for the goddamn farmer's market this Saturday, people. There's gonna be tons of piece of crap corn and all kinds of stupid apples.

• 90210

  CW

  8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST

  The gang gets snowed in at a ski lodge and spends their time wondering if the very same thing will happen to better-looking, thinner versions of themselves someday.

• Everyone At Bar Wondering How Everyone Else At Bar Has The Energy

• Camels

  The Onion correctly stated that camels have three eyelids per eye to protect themselves from blowing desert sand; however, it should not have been the only item in last week's Weddings section.

• MT. LEBANON, PA—Now that they have a name for their band, the Moody Twos just have to learn how to play a single Moody Blues song.

• Friday, Nov. 27

  This Friday's demolition of the old Regional Hospital will be announced by one long horn blast, three short horn blasts, 300 perfectly sequenced explosions, and the loud rumbling collapse of several hundred tons of concrete.

• Wendy's/Arby's Group (WEN)

  $-4.7 $.10 (-2.1%) Fools who believed an alliance of the vermilion-haired witch and the speaking oven mitt would achieve total dominion gnashed their teeth upon realizing that all are held in the palm of a darker gauntlet.

• MONTPELIER, VT—Sean James, 33, was unable to go to work today because he really wanted to make a stew.

• Red Bull Playhouse

  SPIKE

  6 p.m. EST/5 p.m. CST

  Eight snowboarding guys put on a production of The Crucible in which a guy runs through a wall and three beautiful women in Red Bull swimsuits always wave in the background.

• Overheard Music Indicates New Upstairs Neighbor Either Interesting Woman Or Intolerable Man