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Man Signs Up For PumpkinZonia.com, Seeing As There's Free Prismatic Pumpkin Points In It

• Obama Tells Nation He's Going Out For Cigarettes

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.01.09 | News

  WASHINGTON—Following the unexpected announcement, a solemn Obama reportedly grabbed his keys, hugged his two daughters for what witnesses called an extended period of time, kissed his wife on the forehead, and quietly whispered, "I love you." more»

  

• New Device Desirable, Old Device Undesirable

  ISSUE 46•52 ISSUE 45•49 | 12.03.09 | News

  SEATTLE—"The new device is an improvement over the old device, making it more attractive for purchase by all Americans," said Thomas Wakefield, a spokesperson for the large conglomerate that manufactures the new device. "The old device is no longer sufficient. Consumers should no longer have any use or longing for the old device." more»

  

• Labor Dept: Available Labor Rate Increases To 10.2%

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.05.09 | News

  WASHINGTON—"This is such an exciting time to be an employer in America," said Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, adding that every single day 6,500 more citizens join America's growing possible workforce. "There's such a massive and diverse pool of job-ready Americans to choose from. And each month the number only gets higher." more»

  

• Nation's Poor Bastards Never Even Saw It Coming

  ISSUE 45•49 | 11.30.09 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—According to a report published Tuesday by the Center for the Study of Goddamn Fucking Shames, 96 percent of the nation's sorry... more»

• Physics Teacher's Car Accident Would've Made Perfect Example For Class

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.01.09 | News in Brief

  ASTORIA, OR—The deadly auto wreck that claimed the life of local high school science teacher Donald Vaughan, 47, would have neatly and... more»

• Shared Memory Of Children's Television Show Leads To Sex

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.02.09 | News in Brief

  PHILADELPHIA—A shared memory of the Nickelodeon series You Can't Do That On Television resulted in the act of sexual intercourse... more»

• Karzai Vows To Crack Down On Self

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.02.09 | News in Brief

  KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—In his first major policy speech since being sworn in for a second term, Afghan president Hamid Karzai made a solemn... more»

• Senator Chuck Grassley Hurting GOP's Chances With Women At Bars

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.03.09 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—According to Beltway sources, the recent actions of Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) have severely, and perhaps irrevocably, damaged... more»

• 'Sesame Street' Turns 40

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.02.09 | Infographic

  The public broadcasting mainstay Sesame Street celebrated its 40th anniversary last month. Here are some highlights from... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.01.09 | Horoscope

• Where Are We Going For Our Anniversary?

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.02.09 | Statshot

  

• Russia Finds Missing St. Petersburg

  ISSUE 45•49 | 11.29.09 | Radio News

• MIT Mad Scientists Say Corpse-Reanimation Still 10 Years Away

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.01.09 | Radio News

• Church Canceled Due To Lack Of God

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.03.09 | Radio News

• Area Woman Morbidly Fit

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.01.09 | News in Photos

  

• My Friend, You Will Love This Narrow Moroccan Alley

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.01.09 | Commentary

  Excuse me, but I noticed that you were looking at a carpet a moment ago. You were wise to walk away from that one. I have carpets of much finer... more»

• Promise Me You'll Never Tell Anybody This Unless You Get Uncomfortable And Need Something To Talk About

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.03.09 | Commentary

  I really need you to keep this a secret, okay? You cannot tell another living soul. Really, this is extremely personal, so before we go any... more»

• Three Eminent Biologists And 'Growing Pains'' Kirk Cameron Weigh In On Evolution

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.04.09 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Investigators Still Piecing Together Weird-Ass Clues In Fucked-Up Tiger Woods Crash

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.04.09 | Sports News

  WINDERMERE, FL—A spokesman for the Windermere Police Department told reporters Thursday that investigators have gathered enough weird-ass evidence to officially classify Tiger Woods' recent car accident as pretty fucking strange. more»

  

• 36-10 Game Analyzed

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.04.09 | Sports News in Brief

  BRISTOL, CT—Despite the clear dominance the Vikings displayed in their definitive 36-10 week 12 victory over the Bears, ESPN analysts compared the teams' offensive and defensive performances, and scrutinized slow-motion highlights of the game for nearly five minutes during Monday's broadcast of NFL Live. more»

  

• Christ Turns Down 3-Year, Multimillion Dollar Deal To Coach Notre Dame

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.05.09 | Sports News in Brief

  SOUTH BEND, IN—Jesus Christ, the Son of God, Savior of All Mankind, and current defensive coordinator at Middle Tennessee State, said Monday... more»

  

• Sports Illustrated Sportsman Of The Year Award Important, Sports Illustrated Reports

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.07.09 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—The Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year Award is a crowning life achievement for the player whom it honors, and the award's announcement is a landmark event highly anticipated by aficionados across the world... more»

  

• Ravens Coach Shows Movie About Michael Oher To Inspire Michael Oher

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.08.09 | Sports News in Brief

  BALTIMORE—In an attempt to energize starting tackle Michael Oher for last Sunday's game against the Pittsburgh Steelers, Ravens head coach John Harbaugh screened a copy of the inspirational sports movie The Blind Side... more»

  

• Charlie Weis' Most Notable Notre Dame Moments

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.04.09 | Sportsgraphic

  Charlie Weis has been fired as head coach of the Fighting Irish after five mostly troubled seasons. We look back on his tumultuous Notre Dame career. more»

  

• Vince Young

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.04.09 | Strongside/Weakside

  After a difficult start to his NFL career, Vince Young has led the Titans to six consecutive wins. Is he any good? more»

  

• Fired Charlie Weis Cleans Out His Desk

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.04.09 | Photo Finish

  

• Report: Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.03.09 | In The Know

  Panelists discuss whether there is an epidemic among young people today who get stoked over everything from free keychains to tacos. more»

  

• Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP

  ISSUE 45•49 | 11.30.09 | Newsroom

  Republicans say they have found their fresh new face in the corpse of Ronald Reagan, recently back from the dead. more»

  

• Cameron Distributing Darwin

  ISSUE 45•49 | 11.30.09 | American Voices

  Actor Kirk Cameron, best known for his work on the television program Growing Pains, is touring college campuses to hand out copies of Charles... more»

• Swiss Vote Down New Minarets

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.01.09 | American Voices

  Voters in Switzerland passed a referendum banning the construction of new Muslim prayer towers. What do you think? more»

• Chelsea Clinton Engaged

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.02.09 | American Voices

  Chelsea, the daughter of former president Bill Clinton and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, is engaged to her longtime boyfriend Marc Mezvinsky.... more»

• Humans Biologically Disposed To Help

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.03.09 | American Voices

  In his new book Why We Cooperate, Dr. Michael Tomasello writes that 18-month-old infants will attempt to help when they see an unrelated adult... more»

• Meredith Baxter Comes Out

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.04.09 | American Voices

  Former Family Ties actress Meredith Baxter came out as a lesbian on The Today Show. What do you think? more»

• Comedians

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.01.09 | Slideshow

  

• Celebrations

  ISSUE 45•49 | 12.08.09 | Slideshow

  

• tornado

  Weather fans are going to go nuts this afternoon

• rain

  Now, weather and traffic together: raining and backed-up.

• I Didn't Know I Wasn't Pregnant

  TLC

  9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST

  This week's shocking true-life story introduces viewers to Linda, a 33-year-old housewife who had no idea how many calories are in a single can of soda.

• Teacher

  Dear The Onion,

  My teacher is making my class write letters to a newspaper because she is hopelessly stuck in 1985.

  Caitlin Pierce, Mrs. Meyer's fifth-grade class, Macon, GA

• CHAPPAQUA, NY—Ira Bergman, 59, quietly shook his and his dummy's heads as they wondered what Jeff Dunham has that they don't.

• Dexter

  SHOWTIME

  9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST

  Dexter meets his match in Leonard, a serial killer who kills serial killers who kill serial killers.

• Area Man Not Leaving Rockettes Gift Shop Without Something With Leg On It

• SportsPerimeter (ESPN) 1:00 a.m. EST/12:00 a.m. CST

  SP anchor Howard Parnell thinks he might have heard from a guy about a possible story break in the Allen Iverson–76ers talks.

  

• Baby's First Apartment

  This newly renovated space is a great place for your baby to go out on its own before becoming too clingy. Knives and kitchen appliances are included and were made much smaller so your baby can use them. REF#2140839189

  

• Recipe

  Dear The Onion,

  You printed a recipe for marshmallow Jell-O salad in one of your issues in the 1950s or possibly early '60s. Could you remind my friend Eunice and I how many teaspoons of lemon juice the recipe called for?

  Annabelle Turner, Dubuque, IA

• SWANTON, VT—Mechanic Gus Richards took a few moments to compose himself before stepping back into the Swanton Auto Body waiting area and notifying the Gauthier family that their Buick Skylark wasn't going to make it.

• Cougarton

  NBC

  8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST

  In this honest look at returning to the dating scene, 41-year-old divorcée Julie Kobb (Lisa Kudrow) shoves her chest in a postal worker's face but ends up with her tits stuck in a mailbox.

• Internet Video Goes Popular

• Radio Shack (RSH)

  $19.5 $.79 (+4.2%) In a recession, people like to feel like they're cutting back, and Radio Shack does a great job of making people feel like that.

• 'If At First You Don’t Succeed, You Are My Daughter Sheila'

  

• Living Room Floor

  Hardwood floor seeking a guy who's a friend of a friend of other roommates to crash on it for much longer than expected. Would prefer the kind of guy who's around a lot for no reason, doesn't own towels, and shows up with random girls occasionally. Shouldn't give any more than two days warning as to when he'll show up. REF#726348

  

• TULSA, OK—Rather than listen to one more pale, gaunt kid's half-assed story, pharmacist Jerry Martin decided to just go ahead and refill the young man's Adderall prescription three weeks early.

• Parking Garage Surveillance Camera

  DISC

  12 a.m. EST/11 p.m. CST

  A tight advertising market has caused the Discovery Channel to lay off its overnight security guards, so if you spot anything suspicious happening in tonight's live feed from the network's parking garages, please call the number at the bottom of your screen.

• Celebrity Look-Alike Agency Not Taking Applications For Any More Diddys