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New Study Reveals Most Children Unrepentant Sociopaths

• U.S. Finally Gets Around To Prosecuting Mastermind Behind 9/11

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.08.09 | News

  WASHINGTON—Attorney General Eric Holder said that although the years since the brazen attacks had been painful ones that forced all Americans to rethink their place in a complex and terrifying new world, people were also just insanely busy. more»

  

• Alphabet Updated With 15 Exciting New Replacement Letters

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.10.09 | News

  NEW YORK—Dynamic, sleek, and sexy is how a panel of typographic and marketing experts described the 15 new replacement letters they unveiled Monday in an effort to reinvigorate the faltering English alphabet. more»

  

• Everyone In Dream Smells Smoke

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.12.09 | News

  DAYTON, OH—Every single person, historical figure, and anthropomorphic talking object from Brian Jensen's dream Sunday night was suddenly struck by the unusually powerful smell of smoke, subconscious sources reported. more»

  

• Rat-Shit-Covered Physicians Baffled By Spread Of Black Plague

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.15.09 | News

  According to recently discovered journals, the 14th century's rat-feces-smeared men of science were at a total loss to explain how the Black Death was able to spread so quickly across Europe. more»

  

• Uninformed Buffoon Barely Comprehends Conversation About Taylor Swift

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.08.09 | News in Brief

  PHILADELPHIA—According to sources, local dullard Peter Merriam, 34, struggled pitifully Saturday evening to keep up with a simple... more»

• Last Minute Of Man's Sexual Prime Expires During Routine Visit To Dry Cleaner

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.09.09 | News in Brief

  WICHITA, KS—At 8:42 p.m. Thursday, Wichita resident Cody Dixon, 29, reportedly spent the final seconds of his peak period of virility... more»

• New Bug Spray Forces Insects To See People As Human Beings With Feelings

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.10.09 | News in Brief

  MIDLAND, MI—The Dow Chemical Company has developed a new bug deterrent that, unlike harsh deet-based repellents, forces insects to realize... more»

• Holiday Music Aficionado Urges Friends To Check Out 'Frosty The Snowman'

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.11.09 | News in Brief

  SAN DIEGO—Calling it one of the "true overlooked gems" in the American Christmas-song canon, holiday music aficionado Steve Robinson... more»

• Revisiting White House Security Protocols

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.09.09 | Infographic

  After an embarrassing incident in which a husband and wife crashed the White House state dinner for Indian prime minister Manmohan Singh, the... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.08.09 | Horoscope

• Must-Have Gifts, 2009

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.09.09 | Statshot

  

• President Obama Frustrated By Repairs To Dirt Bike One

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.06.09 | Radio News

• Massive Oil Spill Results In Improved Wildlife Viscosity

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.08.09 | Radio News

• Local Harlot Exposes Face, Neck

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.10.09 | Radio News

• Corporate Merger Renders Thousands Of Coffee Mugs Obsolete

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.08.09 | News in Photos

  

• Rod Stewart Mistaken For Elderly Aunt

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.12.09 | News in Photos

  

• Let Us Identify The Faggots And Then Inform Them Of Their Status

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.08.09 | Commentary

  I'm certain I'm not telling you anything you don't already know when I say that the world is full of faggots. Be they wimps, pussies, or dorks,... more»

• What Kind Of Sick Fuck Would Put A Hook In A Juicy Squid Where A Fish Could Easily Eat It?

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.10.09 | Commentary

  I've been swimming for quite some time now, and I gotta tell you, I've seen a lot of shit in my day. I've seen orcas eat defenseless cod,... more»

• This Lamp: Is The Switch On The Cord Or By The Bulb?

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.11.09 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Editorial Cartoon - December 7, 2009

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.07.09 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• New Harlem Globetrotter Rudy 'Rude Dude' Williams Not Working Out

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 45•50 | 12.11.09 | Sports News

  HARLEM, NY—Globetrotters coaches announced Monday that, due to his shockingly inappropriate on-court behavior—including taking trick shots designed to injure opponents... more»

  

• Royals GM Didn't Know He Was Allowed To Make Moves During Offseason

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.11.09 | Sports News in Brief

  KANSAS CITY, MO—During a Monday conference call with the media, Royals GM Dayton Moore confessed he had "no idea" he was permitted to make player transactions between baseball seasons. more»

  

• Browns Caught Trying To Sneak Girl Into Huddle

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 45•50 | 12.12.09 | Sports News in Brief

  CLEVELAND—During the fourth quarter of their game last Sunday, the Cleveland Browns offense was caught attempting to sneak a 23-year-old female fan into their huddle. According to head referee Ed Hochuli, officials were informed of the hoax... more»

  

• College Football Highlights 2009

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.11.09 | Sportsgraphic

  As the national championship game approaches, we take a moment to reflect on the standout moments of the 2009 NCAA football season. more»

  

• Mark Ingram

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.11.09 | Strongside/Weakside

  The Alabama halfback may become the first Crimson Tide player ever to win the Heisman. Is he any good? more»

  

• Man With Rare Purple-Yellow Skin Condition Tired Of Being Mistaken For Vikings Fan

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.11.09 | Photo Finish

  

• DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All Drugs In Mexico

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.07.09 | Newsroom

  The DEA says Lil Wayne is an indispensable weapon against Mexican drug cartels having eradicated 40 tons of marijuana alone by smoking it himself. more»

  

• Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Children's Picture Book Series

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.10.09 | Today Now!

  Adult readers say they are drawn to the 'Green Man' children's book series by the complexity of its characters ranging from yellow to blue. more»

  

• George Stephanopoulos Offered 'Good Morning America' Job

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.07.09 | American Voices

  Former adviser to President Clinton and television host George Stephanopoulos has been offered a job as co-anchor of Good Morning America.... more»

• New Cell Phone Device Processes Credit Cards

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.08.09 | American Voices

  Twitter cofounder Jack Dorsey has introduced the Square, a device that plugs into an iPhone or iPod Touch's headphone jack and allows the user to... more»

• 'The Blind Side' An Unexpected Hit

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.09.09 | American Voices

  The Blind Side, a drama in which Sandra Bullock takes in and tutors a future all-American offensive tackle, has smashed box office... more»

• Weezer Cancels Concerts

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.10.09 | American Voices

  Following a bus accident in which lead singer Rivers Cuomo cracked three ribs, the band Weezer has canceled its December tour dates. What do... more»

• On The Two Non-BCS Teams Meeting In A BCS Bowl Game:

  ISSUE 45•50 | 12.11.09 | Fan On The Street

• pouring_rain

  Regulation-size hail

• Area Friendship Just A Series Of Missed Calls

• Teacher

  Teacher Joanna Dupuis passed away last Thursday at age 57. If her students do not read the last three chapters of The Brothers Karamazov, she will haunt their prom.

  

• BANGOR, ME—Spring is only six months away!

• Homoerotic

  Last week we forgot to include homoerotic undertones in our piece on high school wrestling. The Onion regrets the omission.

• 1st and 10 (ESPN 2) 2:30 EST/1:30 CST

  While improbable, every episode of 1st and 10 has the potential to be the one where Skip Bayless drops dead on live TV.

  

• Whereabouts Of Hanger Steak The Real Mystery, Dinner Theater Patron Reports

• Maria

  After a series of failed suicide attempts, Maria Trotter, 28, was killed last night in a car accident. The other driver should know not to feel too terrible about the whole thing.

  

• WASILLA, AK—Sarah Palin, 45, put Going Rogue on her Amazon wish list and plans on reading it as soon as she can.

• UPC Code

  The UPC code sequence on last week's print issue read thin black line, thin white line, thin black line, thick white line, thick black line, thin white line, even thicker black line, thin white line, thick black line, thin white line. There should have been two thick black lines at the end. The Onion apologizes to everyone who was charged for broccoli.

• Lawrence

  Lawrence R. Stratton, 48, is not dead, but many people who know him will enjoy seeing his picture in the obituary section.

  

• Energizer (ENR)

  $56.3 $4.00 (-6.6%) Share prices took a hit following the revelation that one out of every four batteries is just an empty tube.

• Yosemite Sam Blows Last Of Mud-Flap Endorsement Money

• SHEBOYGAN, WI—Just when Chris Nonhof was starting to like his new neighbors, they brought him cookies with nuts in them.

• A Cafferty File Christmas

  CNN

  9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST

  Jack Cafferty reads aloud from "'Twas The Night Before Christmas" because he didn't want to go to Wolf Blitzer's stupid holiday party anyway.

• 'Heart,' 'Bullet' Typed Into WebMD