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Woman Married To Fat, Emotionally Distant Vampire Escapes Into 'Twilight' Novels

• Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.12.10 | News

  LOUISVILLE, KY—"The other week, I was this close to picketing in front of an abortion clinic," the mortified teenager said, his eyes welling up with tears. "I felt so ashamed, yet, at the same time, it was all strangely titillating." more»

  

• Dubai Debt Crisis Halts Building Of World's Largest Indoor Mountain Range

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.14.10 | News

  DUBAI—Representatives from the emirate of Dubai announced with disappointment this week that its recent debt crisis has forced developers to halt construction on the city's long-planned 22-mile-long indoor mountain range. more»

  

• Roommate's Work Schedule Remains Complete And Total Mystery

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.16.10 | News

  BOSTON—"I'm not sure exactly what he does, but I think he said he works at this place where he makes these calls to people for these events," said Kyle Fisher, who added that, from what he can tell, his roommate works anywhere from 10 to 60 hours a week. more»

  

• Obama To Wait For Next Bruce Springsteen Album For Word On Economy

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.11.10 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Faced with the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, the White House announced Tuesday that a cautious President... more»

• Afghan Warlord Not Sure Which Side He Feels Like Helping Today

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.12.10 | News in Brief

  KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—As late as the third call to prayer Wednesday afternoon, Afghan warlord Najibullah Muhibi had still not determined which... more»

• That Show About The Lady Sheriff Finally Released On DVD

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.13.10 | News in Brief

  WAVERLY, NE—A comprehensive 12-disc box set containing every episode of that show about the lady sheriff is now available for retail... more»

• World's Physicists Complete Study Of Physics

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.14.10 | News in Brief

  HARIMA, JAPAN—Saying that there was no more knowledge to acquire about the physical nature of the universe, the International Union of... more»

• Make-A-Reasonable-Request Foundation Provides Sick Child With Decent Seats To Minnesota Timberwolves Game

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.15.10 | News in Brief

  MINNEAPOLIS—A dream nearly came true for leukemia patient Cody Patterson last week when the Make-A-Reasonable-Request Foundation provided... more»

• Highlights of the Consumer Electronics Show

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.13.10 | Infographic

  The 2010 Consumer Electronics Show took place last week in Las Vegas. Here are some of the must-have gadgets rolled out by the big... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.12.10 | Horoscope

• Where Are We Getting Grooming Tips?

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.13.10 | Statshot

  

• JCPenney Abandons Its 45-Second Sale

  ISSUE 46•37 ISSUE 46•02 | 01.13.08 | Radio News

• Fashion Industry Pretends To Care About Plus-Size Models

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.13.08 | Radio News

• North Face Puffy Loincloths Introduced To Equatorial Market

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.13.08 | Radio News

• E! Gives Local Masturbator Inside Scoop On This Summer’s Hottest New Swimwear

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.13.08 | Radio News

• Haggar Physicists Develop 'Quantum Slacks'

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.13.08 | Radio News

• Obama To Win Back U.S. Debt From Chinese In Double-Or-Nothing Card Game

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.10.10 | Radio News

• Giant 6-Year-Old Devastates Local Ant Community

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.12.10 | Radio News

• High Court Bans Same-Sex Friendships

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.14.10 | Radio News

• White Castle Crave Case Handcuffed To Wrist

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.12.10 | News in Photos

  

• Old Dryer Abandoned By Train Tracks Now A Vital Part Of Ecosystem

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.16.10 | News in Photos

  

• Kids, Your Mother Is Ready To Start Fucking Again

  ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•02 | 01.12.10 | Commentary

  Jordan, Tyler, come here. Sit down. I wanted to speak to you today about something that's been on Mommy's mind a lot lately. As you know, it's... more»

• If You're Ever In Florence, You Have To Visit This Mediocre Trattoria I Know

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.14.10 | Commentary

  So, I hear somebody's going on a little Italian vacation this spring. You lucky dog, you. Kelly and I were there for our 10th wedding anniversary... more»

• We Finally Get Around To Remembering Ted Kennedy

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.15.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Mark McGwire Admits It Was Really Fucking Fun Hitting Baseballs So Far

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•02 | 01.15.10 | Sports News

  NEW YORK—Former St. Louis Cardinals slugger, onetime single-season home run record holder, and admitted steroid abuser Mark McGwire came clean Monday, confessing that it was really fucking fun being able to hit baseballs so hard and far. more»

  

• New Hulk Hogan Autobiography 300 Pages About The Psychology Of The Leg Drop

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.12.10 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Reviewers of Hulk Hogan's recently released autobiography My Life Outside The Ring were surprised to find that, aside from three... more»

  

• Tom Brady: 'I'd Have Booed Us Too, But Patriots Fans Are Still Ungrateful Front-Running Shitheads'

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.15.10 | Sports News in Brief

  FOXBOROUGH, MA—Following a 33-14 drubbing at the hands of the Baltimore Ravens, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady admitted that his team deserved to be booed, but said that "to suffer jeers from shortsighted brainless front-runners like Patriots fans was both laughable and pathetic." more»

  

• Vick Calls Fumble In Cowboys Game 'The Worst Thing I've Ever Done'

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.16.10 | Sports News in Brief

  ARLINGTON, TX—Eagles backup quarterback Michael Vick apologized to fans immediately after his team's 34-14 wild-card loss to the Cowboys Saturday, saying his fumbled handoff attempt late in the first half was "absolutely the most damning and hurtful act of [his] life." more»

  

• Dusty Baker Destroys Aroldis Chapman's Arm Within Minutes Of Arrival

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.18.10 | Sports News in Brief

  CINCINNATI—Within just a few minutes of Cuban pitcher Aroldis Chapman's arrival in the United States, Reds manager Dusty Baker had already overused and mangled the 21-year-old's arm beyond recognition, team sources reported Sunday. more»

  

• CBS Producers Ask Shannon Sharpe To Use At Least 3 Real Words Per Sentence

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.19.10 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—In an effort to clear up the confusion caused by terminology such as "unconsistentical" and "splosiverance," CBS producers made a formal request Monday that NFL Today commentator Shannon Sharpe use a minimum of three real words in each sentence. more»

  

• Redskins Claim They Left Stacks Of Head Coach Applications In Major Inner Cities

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.20.10 | Sports News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—Redskins officials maintained Wednesday that the organization made a conscientious effort to find a minority candidate to lead the team by distributing bundles of head-coaching applications in the slums and ghettos of major inner cities. more»

  

• The Troubled Life Of Jayson Williams

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.15.10 | Sportsgraphic

  Former Nets star Williams has pleaded guilty to aggravated assault in the 2002 accidental shooting death of his chauffeur, capping a years-long saga of depression and violence. We break down his troubled tale. more»

  

• Pete Carroll

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.15.10 | Strongside/Weakside

  Relentlessly positive championship-winning coach Pete Carroll will leave USC to coach the Seahawks. Is he any good? more»

  

• ESPN Viewers Imagine What Stuart Scott’s Eyeball Will Look Like In 3-D

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.15.10 | Photo Finish

  

• New Law Requires Women To Name Baby, Paint Nursery Before Getting Abortion

  ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•02 | 01.14.10 | In The Know

  In The Know panelists say more states should make decorating a nursery and choosing a baby name required steps in obtaining access to an abortion. more»

  

• Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy Ads

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.11.10 | Newsroom

  Citing White House Pressure, Hennessy pulled the Biden ads saying "Joe will always epitomize the smooth, original style of our world class cognac." more»

  

• Final Season Of 'Lost' Promises To Make Fans More Annoying Than Ever

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.18.10 | Newsroom

  Producers say the last season of 'Lost' will contain an unprecedented number of twists and turns for fans to endlessly debate around people who don't care at all. more»

  

• State Of The Union Could Coincide With 'Lost' Premiere

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.11.10 | American Voices

  Fans of the show Lost were up in arms when it was announced that President Obama's State of the Union address might preempt the show's season... more»

• Reid Under Fire For Racially Charged Comments

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.12.10 | American Voices

  In a new book about the 2008 presidential campaign, Harry Reid is quoted as saying that Obama could be elected because he was "light-skinned" and did... more»

• Cowell Leaving 'American Idol'

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.13.10 | American Voices

  Acerbic British talent-show judge Simon Cowell is leaving the program he has helped make popular over the past eight years. What do you... more»

• Conan May Leave 'Tonight'

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.13.10 | American Voices

  Saying that he doesn't want to take part in the destruction of the Tonight Show legacy, Conan O'Brien announced he will step down from the... more»

• U.S. Obesity Levels Out

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.15.10 | American Voices

  According to statistics collected by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, obesity rates in the United States have remained constant over... more»

• Obama Consults CEOs About Modernizing Government

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.18.10 | American Voices

  President Obama met with CEOs from 50 companies, including UPS and Microsoft, to consult with them about how to streamline government and improve... more»

• On the Cowboys First Playoff Win Since 1996

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.15.10 | Fan On The Street

• The Week In Review

  ISSUE 46•02 | 01.17.10 | Slideshow

  

• sun

  New consecutive sunrise record

• Horse-Drawn Carriage Confessions

  HBO

  11 p.m. EST/10 p.m. CST

  Hidden cameras record the gooey declarations of love and clichéd marriage proposals you'd expect of couples riding through Central Park behind a Clydesdale and a guy in a funny hat.

• UPC

  Dear The Onion,

  Included are five UPCs, a 3-by-5 index card with my name and address, and $5.95 for shipping and handling. I can't wait to receive my Onion Features Editor plush doll in six to eight weeks!

  Jimmy Hwong, Chicago, IL

• Community

  NBC

  8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST

  The students at Greendale Community College all ignore one another the way real community college students do and nothing happens.

• MOJAVE, CA—Ted Haskill, 19, cleaned out puke from the inaugural flight of SpaceShipTwo and told himself he'd have his own suborbital tourist vessel one day.

• Jack White’s Mom Listens Politely

• Live in the house where you probably lost your virginity!

  Just about everybody hooked up at the high school parties Ron Haase threw at his folks' place. Now they're packing up and moving to a retirement community in Charlotte. So why not make love to your wife in the same room in which you awkwardly penetrated that weird girl from AP Chemistry? Reference #83484567

  

• Around The Horn (ESPN)

  5 p.m. EST/4 p.m. CST

  J.A. Adande breaks Mark Schlereth's all-time record by appearing in his 39th consecutive hour of ESPN programming.

  

• Home…at last!

  Profoundly warm and inviting, this perfect residence has everything you desire. Sounds expensive, right? Well, rejoice, for your true home is not an opulent building of brick or wood, but rather a state of mind: comfortable, secure, and forever welcoming. Reference #22218734

  

• Shaolin At Home

  TLC

  1:30 p.m. EST/12:30 p.m. CST

  Yin-Fan makes 10-minute chi balls, while Lien brightens up her living space with lightning. Dr. Wing has tips on how to positively, but assertively, deflect spears.

• UNION CITY, NJ—Today, 23-year-old Jessica Rubio put out a candy jar, instantly bending the flow of office traffic and power around her desk.

• Other Salesman Also Has Ponytail

• Wizards

  Dear The Onion,

  Why is it that wizards can just point a wand at something and turn it into something else, but I can't? And why did you stop running your weekly Hometown Heroes section?

  Bryce Richardson, Grapevine, TX

• Staples (SPLS)

  $6.45 $18.0 (-73.0%) Invoking the office supply retailer's famed price-match guarantee, prospective investors forced the company to slash the cost of its shares by nearly three quarters today in order to match that of archrival Office Depot.

• We Don't Have That

  BRAVO

  7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST

  More bad luck as the guys try to get a wok in Cheyenne, WY, a bialy in Jackson, MS, and a tin of chewing tobacco in Times Square.

• PARK RIDGE, IL—Nine-year-old Samantha Lim sang the entire Wicked soundtrack for her grandmother's friends at the facility.

• Second-Grade Terrorist Sneaks Baking Soda, Vinegar Onto International Flight