Nation Growing Increasingly Distrustful Of NFL Experts

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Issue 4603

Lane Kiffin Leaves USC For Dream Job At GameStop

LOS ANGELES—During his introductory press conference as USC's new head coach last Wednesday, Lane Kiffin told reporters that he would be leaving the school indefinitely to pursue his dream of working at GameStop.

Good-Looking One Not Working Today

BROOKLYN, NY—Coffee shop patron Justin Burke was disappointed by the Good-Looking One's absence, and admitted that he initially mistook the One With The Slightly Off Face for the Good-Looking One, but quickly realized his error once she turned around.

Sidney Rice

Vikings receiver Sidney Rice has been all but unstoppable in the playoffs, tying a team record with his three-TD game against the Cowboys. Is he any good?

The Perils Of Fan All-Star Voting

It's looking like a troubled All-Star Game for the NBA, with fans favoring Allen Iverson and Tracy McGrady even though both players have had subpar seasons. But it's not the first time fan involvement has muddied the All-Star waters.

Friendship Between Caterpillar, Horse Exploited For Cheap Children's Book

BLACKSBURG, VA—The 22-page picture book, in which author Gerard Radler examines the pair's relationship, has quickly gained notoriety in literary circles, with detractors claiming the work oversimplifies the nuanced nature of the unlikely friendship and glosses over or omits a number of contentious incidents between the two.

'CSI' Set To Perform At Super Bowl Halftime Show

MIAMI—While details of the show are a closely guarded secret, inside sources maintained that football fans would be treated to the same exciting twists and turns they have come to expect from the hit CBS drama, including the discovery of a semen stain just feet from the goal line that will leave viewers "on the edge of their seats."
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Nation Growing Increasingly Distrustful Of NFL Experts

NEW YORK—Football viewers across the nation announced Tuesday that a lackluster performance, inaccurate predictions, and a failure to acknowledge shortcomings have led to an increased distrust in so-called NFL experts. "First they had Green Bay over Arizona, then Dallas over Minnesota, and of course they just couldn't see the Jets winning," said 46-year-old New Jersey resident Tom Nicholson, who called on authorities to investigate how long NFL experts have been misleading the American public. "I don't know who to believe. The more I think about it, the more I realize that these self-appointed 'experts' are wrong a staggering percentage of the time. Why, I ask you, does all that pregame analysis become inconsequential once the game actually begins?" A majority of Americans also noted that in instances where analysts are correct, as is often the case with Cris Collinsworth and Merril Hoge, the commentators are so insufferably smug that it makes them unwatchable.