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'CSI' Set To Perform At Super Bowl Halftime Show

• 'How Bad For The Environment Can Throwing Away One Plastic Bottle Be?' 30 Million People Wonder

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.19.10 | News

  WASHINGTON—"It's fine, it's fine," thought Maine native Sheila Hodge, echoing the exact sentiments of Chicago-area resident Phillip Ragowski, recent Florida transplant Margaret Lowery, and Kansas City business owner Brian McMillan. "It's just one bottle. And I'm usually pretty good about this sort of thing." more»

  

• Friendship Between Caterpillar, Horse Exploited For Cheap Children's Book

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.21.10 | News

  BLACKSBURG, VA—The 22-page picture book, in which author Gerard Radler examines the pair's relationship, has quickly gained notoriety in literary circles, with detractors claiming the work oversimplifies the nuanced nature of the unlikely friendship and glosses over or omits a number of contentious incidents between the two. more»

  

• Good-Looking One Not Working Today

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.23.10 | News

  BROOKLYN, NY—Coffee shop patron Justin Burke was disappointed by the Good-Looking One's absence, and admitted that he initially mistook the One With The Slightly Off Face for the Good-Looking One, but quickly realized his error once she turned around. more»

  

• Struggling US Airways Introduces $100 Million Bomb Fee

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.18.10 | News in Brief

  TEMPE, AZ—With holiday traffic down almost 4 percent compared to last year and business continuing to decline, US Airways announced Monday... more»

• Jay-Z: 'On Second Thought, I Like Orlando More'

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.19.10 | News in Brief

  ORLANDO, FL—Though known for his personal homages to New York City in songs such as "Brooklyn's Finest" and "Empire State of Mind," hip-hop... more»

• Everyone Proud Of Grandma For Staying Awake

  ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•03 | 01.20.10 | News in Brief

  BLANCHARD, OK—Members of the Haggerty family expressed wonder and admiration Tuesday night when, at the surprisingly late hour of 10:30... more»

• Man Stuck In No-Man's Land Between Two Domino's Delivery Areas

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.21.10 | News in Brief

  AUBURN, WA—James Stallard, 29, experienced feelings of profound loneliness and alienation Monday upon discovering that his home lay just... more»

• Watching Faces Of Students As They Finish 'The Lottery' Highlight Of English Teacher's Year

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.22.10 | News in Brief

  CHICAGO—Ninth-grade Collins High School English teacher Melissa Hamlin told coworkers Monday that the one moment she looks forward to all... more»

• God's Wrath According To Pat Robertson

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.20.10 | Infographic

  700 Club founder Pat Robertson stated that the earthquake in Haiti, which may have killed 100,000 people, was God's punishment... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.19.10 | Horoscope

• What Are We Transferring From VHS To DVD?

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.20.10 | Statshot

  

• NATO Airdrops Condolence Cards

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.18.08 | Radio News

• Former Marine To Watch Lots Of TV

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.18.08 | Radio News

• New Defense Appropriations Bill Finally Allows Army To Buy Nice Bullets

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.18.08 | Radio News

• Half Of Japanese Legislators Admit To Undergoing Cybernetic Improvements

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.17.10 | Radio News

• Adorable Puppy Nets Owner Hand Job

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.19.10 | Radio News

• Area Idea So Crazy It Just Might Work

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.21.10 | Radio News

• Pope Announces Plan To Build Moon Vatican

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.24.10 | Radio News

• Tan Asshole Still On Island Time

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.19.10 | News in Photos

  

• Three-Year-Old Gets Carried Away

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.23.10 | News in Photos

  

• My Revenge Will Be Rushed And Unfulfilling

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.19.10 | Commentary

  Ah, yes. The time is at hand. No more shall the countless humiliations you have heaped upon me go unanswered. At last, the moment of reckoning. A... more»

• How Quickly Israel And Palestine Have Forgotten The Lessons Of 'Enemy Mine'

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.21.10 | Commentary

  Every now and then, the world is taught a profound lesson about what it means to be human; it is given a symbol, a universal tale that shines... more»

• Self-Defense Tips That Will Only Make Him Angrier

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.22.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Shaq Misses Entire Second Half With Pulled Pork Sandwich

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•03 | 01.22.10 | Sports News

  CLEVELAND—Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal suffered a frustrating setback during his team's victory over the Toronto Raptors Tuesday night, when he was sidelined for the entire second half of the game with a pulled pork sandwich. more»

  

• Vikings Criticized For Not Running Up Score High Enough On Cowboys

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.22.10 | Sports News in Brief

  MINNEAPOLIS—All corners of the sporting world sounded off against the Minnesota Vikings this week for their conduct at the end of their divisional playoff game against the Dallas Cowboys, saying that even after a late touchdown made the score 34-3... more»

  

• Lane Kiffin Leaves USC For Dream Job At GameStop

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.23.10 | Sports News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—During his introductory press conference as USC's new head coach last Wednesday, Lane Kiffin told reporters that he would be leaving the school indefinitely to pursue his dream of working at GameStop. more»

  

• Dirk Nowitzki's 20,000 Points Not Worth Nearly As Much In European League

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.25.10 | Sports News in Brief

  WURZBURG, GERMANY—According to current basketball point exchange rates, due to the weakened value of the NBA basket, Dirk Nowitzki's career 20,000-point total is worth just over half that much in Euroleague Basketball. more»

  

• LeBron James Says Complicated Enrollment Form Prevented Him From Signing Up For Slam Dunk Contest

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.26.10 | Sports News in Brief

  CLEVELAND—Though Cavaliers forward LeBron James stated last year that he intended to participate in the 2010 Slam Dunk Contest, the All-Star told reporters Monday that a complicated enrollment form prevented him from signing up. more»

  

• Nation Growing Increasingly Distrustful Of NFL Experts

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.27.10 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Football viewers across the nation announced Tuesday that a lackluster performance, inaccurate predictions, and a failure to acknowledge shortcomings have led to an increased distrust in so-called NFL experts. more»

  

• The Perils Of Fan All-Star Voting

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.22.10 | Sportsgraphic

  It's looking like a troubled All-Star Game for the NBA, with fans favoring Allen Iverson and Tracy McGrady even though both players have had subpar seasons. But it's not the first time fan involvement has muddied the All-Star waters. more»

  

• Sidney Rice

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.22.10 | Strongside/Weakside

  Vikings receiver Sidney Rice has been all but unstoppable in the playoffs, tying a team record with his three-TD game against the Cowboys. Is he any good? more»

  

• Brad Childress Consoles Self Over Loss With A Little Pedophilia

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•03 | 01.22.10 | Photo Finish

  

• Everclear Faces Iowa Ban

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.19.10 | American Voices

  Following a hazing incident in which a freshman was hospitalized with a blood-alcohol content of 0.5 percent, Iowa is considering banning the... more»

• Former Fugee's Haiti Charity Under Scrutiny

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.20.10 | American Voices

  In the wake of the recent earthquake, a Haiti charity run by rapper Wyclef Jean is under fire for its unusually high administrative costs and... more»

• Taco Bell Founder Dead

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.21.10 | American Voices

  Glen W. Bell Jr., who started the Taco Bell franchise in 1962, died Sunday at 86. What do you think? more»

• Bible Verses Encoded On U.S. Military Gun Sights

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.22.10 | American Voices

  ABC News reported that, since 2005, military contractor Trijicon has been engraving coded Bible passages on sniper sights supplied to soldiers in... more»

• Air America Ceases Operations

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.25.10 | American Voices

  As of Thursday, liberal radio network Air America stopped all live programming and announced it was filing for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. What do... more»

• New All-White Basketball League Launched

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.26.10 | American Voices

  Augusta, GA boxing promoter Don "Moose" Lewis has announced the creation of The All-American Basketball League, comprised entirely of all-white,... more»

• On Lane Kiffin Leaving Tennessee For USC

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.22.10 | Fan On The Street

• The Week In Review

  ISSUE 46•03 | 01.24.10 | Slideshow

  

• snow

  It's snowing today and Abundant Life Christian Academy is the only one with the balls to stay open

• Narrative Voice

  You are outraged by The Onion's recent shift in narrative voice and have sent in many angry letters of complaint. You accept The Onion's heartfelt apology and look forward to its promised return to third-person narration.

• Scientist

  Supervillain Dr. Megawatt was killed in a battle with the Forces of Good Saturday. Though his death was witnessed from afar and was partially obscured, it's perfectly reasonable to assume he has been vanquished once and for all and will never return to terrorize our city.

  

• BOISE, ID—Fifty-two-year-old sales manager Ken Retherford returned from the office supplies room with a suggestive grin, claiming to have just sent his wife a 'sax,' otherwise known as a sexually explicit fax message.

• Lonely Magician Catches Bullet In Head

• The O-Line (ABC) 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST

  With its realistic dialogue and faithful portrayal of the NFL, producer Aaron Sorkin's new drama illustrates the life of offensive linemen for the few seconds between the huddle and the start of the play.

  

• Floyd

  Floyd Dever, 18, was killed when his car struck a telephone pole. In lieu of flowers, the Dever family requests that donations be made to replace their car.

  

• Perspiring Man Welcomes Convention Center Audience To Future Of Sheet Metal

• The Celebrity Sorcerer's Apprentice

  NBC

  9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST

  Not yet fully trained in sorcery, former Hangin' With Mr. Cooper–star Mark Curry enchants a boom mic to perform his water-fetching challenge for him, only to find that he cannot break the spell when things go horribly awry.

• NORTHAMPTON, MA—Having snatched an iPod from the handbag of an unsuspecting student a week earlier, petty thief P.J. Kane is really beginning to get into Dar Williams' Mortal City.

• Internship

  The information printed last week about The Onion's college internship program contained a number of errors. Firstly, the internships are unpaid. Secondly, the criteria for acceptance are based not on academic achievement but on gender, physical measurements, and ignorance of labor laws. The Onion apologizes for the error.

• Monsanto Company (MON)

  $78.7 $6.12 (-7.2%) A sharp sell-off pretty much confirms that the world is not yet ready for flavorless, self-aware corn.

• Secret

  Persey Hallman, 61, passed away this weekend in his sleep. Hallman was a family man and a secret-family man.

  

• BREAKING: George W. Bush Manages To Look Pretty Presidential

• Don't Spill The Beans

  ION

  5 p.m. EST/4 p.m. CST

  Competing families of four must all hold the same can of beans for as long as possible. The family that drops its can first must pay to send the winners' children to college at the expense of sending their own.

• Jersey Shore

  BBC

  10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST

  Forced to stay in one house, eight urbane polyglots discuss the prudence of admitting Turkey to the European Union as they sip wine in their villa off the Normandy Coast.

• Sounds Like A Plan,' Says Man Who Is Already Thinking Of Way To Cancel

• CHAMPAIGN, IL—After 30 years on the job, animal groomer Jan McCollum finally snapped, shaved a swear word into Mrs. Drost's poodle, and stormed out.