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Massive Earthquake Reveals Entire Island Civilization Called 'Haiti'

• Science Channel Refuses To Dumb Down Science Any Further

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.26.10 | News

  SILVER SPRING, MD—"We already have a show called 'Punkin Chunkin,'" said Science Channel president Clark Bunting. "What more do you people want?" more»

  

• Al-Qaeda Claims Responsibility For Devastating Personal Attack On Illinois Man

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.28.10 | News

  WASHINGTON—The highly coordinated strike, which made light of his ample girth, lack of employment, and inability to meet single women, occurred at 9:32 a.m. more»

  

• Bunch Of Phonies Mourn J.D. Salinger

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.28.10 | News

  CORNISH, NH—In this big dramatic production that didn't do anyone any good (and was pretty embarrassing, really, if you think about it), thousands upon thousands of phonies across the country mourned the death of author J.D. Salinger, who was 91 years old for crying out loud. more»

  

• Backpack Strategically Placed In Theft-Proof Corner Of Concert Hall Floor

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.30.10 | News

  ATHENS, GA—"I'm so glad I thought to put it there," said Nick Hurley, whose iPod, house keys, and new laptop computer were made utterly secure in the corner. more»

  

• Man Who Enjoys Thing Informed He Is Wrong

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.25.10 | News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—George Himmelsbaugh, 32, was informed Tuesday that he was incorrect in enjoying a thing he had been deriving pleasure from for... more»

• Exterminator Kind Of Surprised Apartment Doesn't Have Roaches

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.26.10 | News in Brief

  CHICAGO—During his monthly visit to the building at the corner of Spaulding and Milwaukee Avenues, Pest-Away exterminator Harold Batten was... more»

• Frantic Steve Jobs Stays Up All Night Designing Apple Tablet

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.27.10 | News in Brief

  CUPERTINO, CA—Claiming that he completely forgot about the much-hyped electronic device until the last minute, a frantic Steve Jobs... more»

• Report: Guy Just Put 10 Bucks In Jukebox

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.27.10 | News in Brief

  EAST LANSING, MI—Gold Mine Bar & Grill sources report that, just as you got change back from the two pitchers you ordered, some guy walked... more»

• Burger King Looks Open

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.28.10 | News in Brief

  SCHAUMBURG, IL—Sources from within the car driving slowly past the Burger King at Roselle and Hartford report that, despite the late hour,... more»

• Best Thing That Ever Happened To Area Man Yelling At Him About Socks

  ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•04 | 01.29.10 | News in Brief

  MINNEAPOLIS—Joseph Collins, 38, who is perhaps the luckiest man alive and who certainly doesn't deserve the wonderful woman who showed him... more»

• What Cost The Democrats Massachusetts?

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.27.10 | Infographic

  Though it was considered a foregone conclusion that the seat would remain in Democratic hands, Republican Scott Brown surprised everyone by... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.26.10 | Horoscope

• What Are We Sending To Haiti?

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.27.10 | Statshot

  

• Nation's Deans Meet To Discuss Problem Of Sexy College Girls Going Wild

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.26.08 | Radio News

• Area Man Got His Tattoos While Serving In College

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.26.08 | Radio News

• Desperate U.S. Colleges Consider Emergency Bob Marley 'Legend' Ban

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.26.08 | Radio News

• No One Is Stabbed Or Anything At Off-Campus Party

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.26.08 | Radio News

• Posters Of Naked Women Fail To Lure Real Naked Women To Dorm Room

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.26.08 | Radio News

• Violent Sausage Storm Grounds Nation's Airlines

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.26.10 | Radio News

• Secondhand Smoke Linked To Secondhand Coolness

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.28.10 | Radio News

• International Community Worried For France After An Impulsive Alliance With North Korea

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.31.10 | Radio News

• Monster Truck Driver Beginning To Suspect Crowd Is Cheering For Truck

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.26.10 | News in Photos

  

• Line To Meet Sarah Palin Goes Straight Through Mall Fountain

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.30.10 | News in Photos

  

• I Don't Even Want To Be Alive Anymore

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.25.10 | Commentary

  I know there are a lot of people out there who are upset about some of the things I've been saying on my radio program lately. My comments about... more»

• Our Most Frustrating Redesign Ever

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.29.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Ask A High School English Teacher Pressed Into Duty As The JV Basketball Coach After The Previous Coach Abruptly Resigned

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.28.10 | Advice

  We have a problem at my house. I know these are tough economic times, but my wife pinches too many pennies when she buys groceries. more»

• Saints, Colts Hoping To Resolve Super Bowl Through Diplomacy

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•04 | 01.29.10 | Sports News

  MIAMI—Team officials from the New Orleans Saints and Indianapolis Colts emerged from a tense, 12-hour negotiating session Thursday and told reporters that, while they had yet to reach a settlement that would prevent a massive on-field conflict, the AFC and NFC champions were committed to resolving the Super Bowl through diplomatic channels. more»

  

• While Cheering On Brother, Eli Manning Struggles To Follow Football Game

  ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•04 | 01.29.10 | Sports News in Brief

  INDIANAPOLIS—Clapping randomly as he struggled to follow the action on the field, a confused Eli Manning attempted to cheer for his older brother Peyton in the AFC Championship Sunday. more»

  

• Vikings Stand Behind Brett Favre's Decision To Jerk Team Around For Months

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.30.10 | Sports News in Brief

  EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Players, coaches, and front-office personnel are united in their support of Brett Favre's decision to waffle, demur, delay, beat around the bush, and generally yank them around for months on end while they wait for him to make a decision about his retirement. more»

  

• Saints Trip To Super Bowl Actually Best Thing That Has Ever Happened To New Orleans

  ISSUE 46•04 | 02.01.10 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW ORLEANS—City officials confirmed Monday that the Saints' historic first-ever trip to a Super Bowl would in fact be the best thing that had happened to the city in its long and tragic history. more»

  

• Players Giddy As Football Hall Of Fame Representative Rumored To Be Attending Super Bowl

  ISSUE 46•04 | 02.02.10 | Sports News in Brief

  MIAMI—Giddiness overtook the locker rooms of both Super Bowl teams Thursday when members of the New Orleans Saints and Indianapolis Colts caught wind that a representative from the Pro Football Hall of Fame might be attending the game next Sunday. more»

  

• Colts, Saints Blinded By Natural Sunlight Upon Arrival At Stadium

  ISSUE 46•04 | 02.03.10 | Sports News in Brief

  MIAMI—Members of both Super Bowl teams, who played the majority of their regular season and playoff games in domed stadiums, squinted in pain and sought refuge from the sun Thursday after walking onto the field at Miami's Sun Life Stadium. more»

  

• The Saints' Hapless History

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•04 | 01.29.10 | Sportsgraphic

  The Saints' road to their first Super Bowl wasn't an easy one, as for years they were one of the unluckiest, most bumbling franchises in sports. We review their tale of football woe. more»

  

• SUPER BOWL XLIV: New Orleans Saints Vs. Indianapolis Colts

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.29.10 | Keys To The Matchup

  It's a tale of high-powered passing games as the Super Bowl returns to Miami. more»

  

• Colts Upgrade Aerial Attack With F-22 Raptor

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.29.10 | Photo Finish

  

• Crime Reporter: Man Had Sex With Wife Thousands Of Times Before Killing Her

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.25.10 | Newsroom

  In this episode of 'Raw Justice,' a depraved sex fiend violated his wife's body almost weekly for ten years before finally murdering her. more»

  

• Rep. Seeks Retroactive Immunity For Anyone Who Hit On First Lady Last Night

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.28.10 | O-SPAN

  Rep. Bruce Durant proposes a bill protecting anyone who who may have had a little too much to drink at a White House event and called Michelle Obama a "beautiful queen." more»

  

• 16-Year-Old Attempts Sailing Record

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.27.10 | American Voices

  Abby Sunderland, 16, is attempting to set a world record by becoming the youngest person to sail alone around the world. What do you think? more»

• Obama Gives State Of The Union

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.28.10 | American Voices

  After a full year in office, President Barack Obama delivered his first State of the Union address. What do you think? more»

• Truck Drivers Barred From Texting

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.29.10 | American Voices

  The U.S. government will no longer allow drivers of large trucks and buses to text while they are driving. What do you think? more»

• Disney Shutters Miramax

  ISSUE 46•04 | 02.01.10 | American Voices

  The Walt Disney Company is closing down its indie-film arm Miramax, the home of such films as The Piano and Pulp Fiction. What do... more»

• On Favre Ending Yet Another Season With A Crucial Interception:

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.29.10 | Fan On The Street

• The Week In Review

  ISSUE 46•04 | 01.31.10 | Slideshow

  

• Higher Education

  ISSUE 46•04 | 02.02.10 | Slideshow

  

• sun

  Please go to theonion.com for answers to today's weather.

• So You Think You Can Hold A Job?

  FOX

  10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST

  Operations at American Office Solutions grind to a halt when none of the contestants shows up for work.

• Girl

  Dear The Onion,

  I've been seeing this girl for about six months and the relationship seems too good to be true. Should I stab my girlfriend just to reassure myself and give both of us a little wake-up call about how life can be? Sincerely,

  Jared Price, Frederick, MD

• Can Your Aunt Do This?

  ABC

  9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST

  Competition heats up as Aunt Linda faces Aunt Jennie in a seemingly-compliment-your-niece-but-then-somehow-turn-it-into-a-blatant-insult showdown.

• Batteries Loaded Into Remote Control Like Shotgun Shells

• Die Alone

  Justin Dressler, 38, and Michelle Powell, 32, were married this weekend. The couple met during a costume party at which they tied for first place. They were both dressed as pirates desperate not to die alone.

  

• Australian Open Men's Final Repeat (ESPN 2) 10am EST/9am CST

  Perfect for finding out who won the Australian Open in case you've never heard of the internet and don't have a job during the day.

  

• HOLLYWOOD, CA—With the entertainment industry still hurting from the economic downturn, Paramount Pictures was finally forced to fire Gerald Hardy, the guy who decides if a movie should be a comedy or a drama.

• How I Met Your Mother

  CBS

  8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST

  Tonight: The narrator loses his train of thought and has to start the whole story over from the beginning.

• Weed

  Dear The Onion,

  Could you introduce a section in your classified ads for people selling weed and a little coke, but don't call it, you know, anything shady. (But don't make it too tricky, either.) Thanks a lot,

  Mike Parmentier, Philadelphia

• Assholes

  Sara Christopher and Jarad Champion sadistically forced all of their friends and family members through a hellish gauntlet of formal events, chartered shuttle rides, and endless speeches at their "event wedding," which consumed nearly every moment from last Friday evening through Sunday morning.

  

• Wind Whispers For A Taco

• JACKSONVILLE, FL—Absentminded mason Lucas Tremble has continued to chisel MMIX into the cornerstones of all his projects.

• Poor

  Emily Stevenson and Aaron Chambers kept referring to their wedding as "casual" and "low-key," even though it was clearly just a poor-person wedding.

  

• Apple (AAPL)

  $198. $7.39 (-3.6%) Panicked investors dumped shares in this leading tech company on word that CEO Steve Jobs had delivered a trade-show speech in a heather-gray crewneck sweatshirt instead of his trademark black mock turtleneck.

• Hitchhiker With Machete, Driver With Machete Can't Help But Laugh

• DUNKIRK, NY—Local weather service bureau director James Byers decided it was safe to let the new guy in on the secret that you can make up snowfall data anytime you need to get away for a few days.

• Paying The Bills With Dad

  A&E

  8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST

  A camera crew follows around pharmacist Harold Bennett as he tries to work in peace.