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Bald Eagle Tired Of Everyone Just Assuming It Supports War

• Nation's Strangers Decry Negative Portrayal Among Children

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.02.10 | News

  WASHINGTON—"These days, it's almost impossible for a stranger to wake up in the morning, drive to a nearby park, and spend the afternoon quietly watching from the sidelines without young boys and girls immediately jumping to conclusions," said American Strangers Coalition president Paul Hughes. more»

  

• Alzheimer's Disease Causing Baby Boomers To Misremember 1960s Even More

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.04.10 | News

  PALO ALTO, CA—Alzheimer's researchers at Stanford University published a study this week showing that the degenerative brain disease is beginning to affect the baby boomer generation, causing many to remember the 1960s even less accurately than they normally would. more»

  

• Father Still Has Complicated Series Of File Folders With Grown Son's Name On Them

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.06.10 | News

  TUALATIN, OR—"Someone's gotta keep track of this stuff," said Bill Jacobson, though he ceased having any authority over his son's life more than 16 years ago. more»

  

• Mayonnaise, Black Forest Ham To Share Top Billing In Upcoming Sandwich

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.01.10 | News in Brief

  HOLLYWOOD, CA—Lunch insiders confirmed rumors Monday that Mayonnaise and Black Forest Ham would share top billing in a highly anticipated... more»

• Hospital Paperwork Reduces Man's Reading Comprehension To First-Grade Level

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.02.10 | News in Brief

  HOUSTON—The frustrating paperwork for a routine visit to St. Luke's Episcopal Hospital reduced Kenneth Anderson's reading comprehension to a... more»

• White House Infested With Bedbugs After Biden Brings In Recliner Off The Curb

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.03.10 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—The White House suffered a severe bedbug infestation last week after Vice President Joe Biden reportedly "scored" a discarded... more»

• Supreme Court Allows Corporations To Run For Political Office

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.03.10 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision that overturned decades of legal precedent, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 5-4 Tuesday to remove all... more»

• Area Mom Issues Stern Warning On Road Where She Once Got A Ticket

  ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•05 | 02.04.10 | News in Brief

  OSHKOSH, WI—Insisting she recently received a ticket on Jackson Street, Brenda McCormick, 57, issued a stern warning to her son Justin... more»

• Unfunny Inside Joke From 5 Years Ago Only Thing Holding Friendship Together

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.08.10 | News in Brief

  SAN FRANCISCO—An unfunny private joke dating back to when they were roommates five years ago is reportedly the last remaining thread still... more»

• Apple Finally Unveils iPad

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.01.10 | Infographic

  Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled Apple's new tablet computer, the iPad, during a presentation in San Francisco last week. Here are some of its... more»

  

• Your Horoscopes

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.02.10 | Horoscope

• Top Regional Cuisine By State

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.03.10 | Statshot

  

• Prison Warden Appears On Leno With Some Of His Favorite Prisoners

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.01.08 | Radio News

• Smoking Ban Collapses Fragile Prison Economy

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.01.08 | Radio News

• The U.S. Justice System Will Be Replaced By A New Prison Lottery

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.01.08 | Radio News

• Miss Teen U.S.A. Declares Herself Miss Teen U.S.A. For Life

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.02.10 | Radio News

• Area Pie Hole Shut

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.04.10 | Radio News

• 24 Million Potential Brides Discovered In China

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.07.10 | Radio News

• Red Lobster Introduces New Mechanical Jumbo Shrimp Ride

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.02.10 | News in Photos

  

• Hometown Boy Makes Good Enough

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.06.10 | News in Photos

  

• As Much As I Hated Putting My Dog To Sleep, I Know He'll Feel Better When He Wakes Up

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.02.10 | Commentary

  Our beloved Saint Bernard, Buford, has been a part of the Brimble family for almost 16 years now. From the time he was just a puppy, he's been a... more»

• If I See A Shirt I Like, I'll Usually Just Buy It

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.04.10 | Commentary

  I'm not really the kind of person to get caught up in the latest trends or fashions or anything like that. But some days, if I get out of work... more»

• They Said I Would Never Walk Again And I Really Have To Commend Them For Their Spot-On Diagnosis

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.05.10 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Editorial Cartoon - February 1, 2010

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.01.10 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Thoughtful Nation Questioning Whether Anyone Can Really 'Win' The Super Bowl

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•05 | 02.05.10 | Sports News

  MIAMI—As the Super Bowl captures the country's attention, excitement over the NFL's championship game is muted somewhat by the persistent question of whether winning, or losing for that matter, holds any absolute value—a question that has many football fans pondering the meaning of the game itself. more»

  

• Peyton Manning Studying Saints Game Film From 1974

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.05.10 | Sports News in Brief

  MIAMI—According to his teammates and coaches, Colts quarterback Peyton Manning has been sequestered in the film room at Sun Life Stadium for the last three days reviewing game tape from the Saints' 1974 season. more»

  

• Phil Mickelson Demands Scott McCarron Publicly Apologize To Pitching Wedge

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.06.10 | Sports News in Brief

  RANCHO SANTA FE, CA—In response to accusations of cheating that he called hurtful, insensitive, and simply not true, Phil Mickelson lashed out at Scott McCarron Thursday, demanding that his fellow PGA Tour member publicly apologize for humiliating Mickelson's 20-year-old pitching wedge. more»

  

• Top Recruit Tricked Into Committing To Notre Dame

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.08.10 | Sports News in Brief

  ST. PAUL, MN—One of the most sought-after high school recruits of the year, Sean Harrisson, a 270-pound, 6-foot-2 linebacker, unwittingly signed with Notre Dame after Fighting Irish coach Brian Kelly played a series of mind tricks on the senior. more»

  

• New Orleans Moves To No. 3 In NFL Power Rankings

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.08.10 | Sports News in Brief

  MIAMI—On the heels of their 31-17 win over the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl XLIV, the New Orleans Saints rose to the third spot in the most recent NFL team power rankings more»

  

• Huge Chunk Of Nation You'd Never Want To Meet Excited For Daytona 500

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.10.10 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Although you are more interested in the pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training in a few days, or even the upcoming Winter Olympics, a significant chunk of society that you are aware of but would rather have nothing to do with is very much looking forward to the Daytona 500, NASCAR's season-opening race. more»

  

• 2010's Top College Football Recruiting Prospects

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.05.10 | Sportsgraphic

  With Signing Week upon us, Onion Sports runs down the prep stars who will soon make an impact on the college football scene. more»

  

• Phil Mickelson

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.08.10 | Strongside/Weakside

  Due to the vagaries of current events, Phil Mickelson is currently the best golfer on the PGA tour. Is he any good? more»

  

• Budget Cuts Force CBS To "Mic Up" Jonathan Vilma With Handheld Microphone

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.05.10 | Photo Finish

  

• How To Put The Spark Back Into Your Relationship With Your Cat

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.04.10 | Today Now!

  Melissa Donley, author and cat relationship expert, visits Today NOW! with some tips for people in long term relationships with their cats. more»

  

• Packers Fan Announces He Will Return To Drinking For Another Season

  ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 46•05 | 02.01.10 | OSN Video Vault

  Chris Lukawski, a longtime devotee of the Packers and beer, is confident his battered liver and family can handle another NFL season of unrestrained alcohol consumption. more»

  

• Future Of Moon Mission In Doubt

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.02.10 | American Voices

  Due to financial constraints, NASA's plans to return to the moon are no longer in the Obama budget. What do you think? more»

• Amazon Stock Falls In E-Book Dispute

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.03.10 | American Voices

  After a dispute between Macmillan and Amazon over e-book pricing resulted in the retailer briefly removing all the publishing house's books from its... more»

• Pentagon Brass Supports Gays In Military

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.04.10 | American Voices

  Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Mike Mullen both spoke out in favor of Obama's call to lift the "don't ask, don't... more»

• 'Lancet' Retracts Autism Paper

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.05.10 | American Voices

  Citing the study's bad methodology, the British medical journal The Lancet retracted a 1998 paper that linked autism with the... more»

• Missionaries Charged With Kidnapping In Haiti

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.08.10 | American Voices

  Ten American missionaries were charged with kidnapping after trying to take 33 Haitian children—some orphans, some not—across the border to the... more»

• On The Slumping Celtics

  ISSUE 46•05 | 02.05.10 | Fan On The Street

• snow

  Due to budget cuts, The Onion is only able to list today's low

• Blowhole High

  ANIMAL PLANET

  8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST

  In tonight's episode, Finny nails her choir solo, Big Blue wakes up on the day of the homecoming dance with a giant barnacle on his forehead, and Humpy cries herself to sleep wishing she had beautiful teeth instead of her ugly baleen.

• Museum

  Art museum docent Lynn Celek waited until after the fourth-graders' tour to laugh out loud at their callow, unsophisticated questions.

  

• NACO, AZ—Border agents pried open a shipping container filled with 65 legal U.S. citizens who wanted to know what the problem was.

• Repurposing Lines From The Hangover

  SPIKE

  10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST

  "Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon" is used ad infinitum near a keg at a University of Wisconsin–Eau Claire house party.

• Shampoo Salon Quality

• MLB Tonight (MLB Network) 6:00pm EST/5:00pm CST

  Hosts Bob Costas and Victor Rojas analyze which pitchers and catchers will get through airport security the easiest and which will struggle on their way to spring training in the coming weeks

  

• Correctional

  Longtime Greendale Correctional Facility resident Wilson McMullen taught new inmate Justin Teller how to make improvised mascara from pool cue chalk.

  

• Bedford, IN—Mary Therese Flanagan, 53, shouted a message on her son's voice mail to pick up if he was home.

• DirecTV Dish Shoots 'Cougar Town' Right Back At Orbiting Satellite

• Rapist

  Monday's article on the Fourth Avenue rapist contained a number of hasty presumptions. The assailant could have been wearing any kind of dark shoes, not necessarily chocolate-colored Converse high-tops, and even if he was, anybody can order those online. The so-called "writer's callus" on his right middle figure might actually be something that Mexican guys get from firing guns a lot. Lastly, Police Chief Harris' advice to victims to fight back and injure the rapist's groin would probably just make him madder. Don't make it worse by trying to be Wonder Woman.

• Clean Your Computer Desktop!

  BRAVO

  7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST

  Expert desktop cleaner Abra Tabak comes in to help a busy single mom clean up the unnecessary icons on her Dell.

• DUI

  Rather than having his wealthy father cover up his DUI and vehicular homicide arrest, Henry Thornton III just had him hire an expensive lawyer instead.

  

• Norfolk Southern (NSC)

  $53.4 $.54 (-1.0%) Public reaction was lukewarm to the rail-freight giant's new passenger service in all of its half-filled coal and corn-syrup containers.

• BREAKING: Goldman Sachs Forced to Legally Change Name to 'Goldman Sachs, Those Bastards'

• Antiques Roadshow

  PBS

  7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST

  A Nebraska man is disappointed to learn that the real value of his grandfather's watch is the memories it holds.

• Google Wants To Know If 'Phoenix Hotel' Search Was In Reference To Time You Cheated On Sarah

• HUNTSVILLE, AL—That creepy overturned tricycle is still out front of the Patterson's.