Huge Chunk Of Nation You'd Never Want To Meet Excited For Daytona 500

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Issue 4605

Phil Mickelson

Due to the vagaries of current events, Phil Mickelson is currently the best golfer on the PGA tour. Is he any good?

Top Recruit Tricked Into Committing To Notre Dame

ST. PAUL, MN—One of the most sought-after high school recruits of the year, Sean Harrisson, a 270-pound, 6-foot-2 linebacker, unwittingly signed with Notre Dame after Fighting Irish coach Brian Kelly played a series of mind tricks on the senior.

Peyton Manning Studying Saints Game Film From 1974

MIAMI—According to his teammates and coaches, Colts quarterback Peyton Manning has been sequestered in the film room at Sun Life Stadium for the last three days reviewing game tape from the Saints' 1974 season.

Nation's Strangers Decry Negative Portrayal Among Children

WASHINGTON—"These days, it's almost impossible for a stranger to wake up in the morning, drive to a nearby park, and spend the afternoon quietly watching from the sidelines without young boys and girls immediately jumping to conclusions," said American Strangers Coalition president Paul Hughes.

Apple Finally Unveils iPad

Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled Apple's new tablet computer, the iPad, during a presentation in San Francisco last week. Here are some of its...

Bald Eagle Tired Of Everyone Just Assuming It Supports War

THE OREGON WILDERNESS—"I think World War II was justified, and I got behind the first Gulf War [in 1990]," said the bird, who has served as the national symbol of the United States since 1782. "But the recent war in Iraq, with its shifting rationale and poor planning, was clearly a huge mistake."
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Huge Chunk Of Nation You'd Never Want To Meet Excited For Daytona 500

NEW YORK—Although you are more interested in the pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training in a few days, or even the upcoming Winter Olympics, a significant chunk of society that you are aware of but would rather have nothing to do with is very much looking forward to the Daytona 500, NASCAR's season-opening race. "Man, it'll sure be good to see them hitting the banking on that tri-oval," said a man in a camouflage jacket and an advertising-emblazoned mesh-back cap who made you feel less intelligent just by speaking aloud. "Looks like Jimmie Johnson has a good chance of gittin' 'er done again this year." Sources close to you said that, while NASCAR itself does seem to be targeting the three-toothed sister-humping illiterate demographic, it may be a bit elitist to write off every one of its fans as such.